so… to sum up…

As ‘promised‘ (or merely mentioned), here’s that birthday recap I know you’ve been waiting for.

Warning: I’m probably going to go into too much detail so this might be long. Oh, who am I kidding? It is definitely going to be long. Sorry.

My daughter did not want to wake up for school this morning. She hates when I stand there waiting for her to get out of bed before leaving her room, but I have to make sure she actually gets up. And she usually gets mad at me for it. Sigh.

Mom called to wish me a happy birthday as she always does. My mom is the best. But inevitably, we talk about how much my life sucks… and I cry. I hate that there’s nothing good to talk about, but there just isn’t. Confession: This is why sometimes I get anxious when talking to Mom… because I know I will end up crying. Not her fault at all… but it happens. Of course, crying happens most days whether I talk to her (or anyone else) or not. Besides… it’s Mom… she always manages to say the right thing.

One of my daughter’s friend’s moms included me on a group text with three other moms from my daughter’s class (about a group gift for their teacher). This doesn’t sound like a big deal… but I struggle with making friends… even with making conversation… so I was a little surprised but happy that she thought of me.

My new friend Mel posted a very sweet birthday party message for me on her blog. I was touched, especially since we just recently ‘met‘. Thank you, Mel.

My long time friend Lennon also posted a beautiful birthday message. I don’t know how I managed to land such a great friend (and not just her… so many others, too… you know who you are), but I’m so grateful. She also sent me a wonderful gift… because she is amazing.

My perhaps longest time friend (one of the longest anyway!) Meg sent me a very sweet and generous gift. Thank you for thinking of me… but, then, you always do. And thanks for being such a wonderful person and caring friend.

And someone else mentioned something about a late birthday gift… but as I don’t yet know what I’m thanking her for, I’m going to have to make another post at a later date… just for her.

I am left a bit speechless because of that whole thing where I think I’m not so great of a person and I don’t get why people like me. I mean, I get what they tell me (and they have told me because these are truly wonderful people) and I love them for it, but I still think the disaster that is my life can’t be fun for them… god knows it’s not fun for me.

I got two (real paper) cards in the mail. One from Mom (see below) with what she called a ‘birthday bonus‘… and one from my very generous sister who included her own version of a ‘birthday bonus‘. My father-in-law gave me a card, too. He lives just a couple of streets away so his cards are hand-delivered. He also gave me a ‘birthday bonus‘ which was really more than he should have done since he already does so much for us.

Yes, my mom has a sense of humor much like mine.

I wish I felt that I could take these ‘bonuses‘ and do something for me. Pedicure, massage, etc. But there are two issues. (1) I feel incredibly guilty spending money on frivolous things for myself when we are not in a great financial place… and (2) I don’t have a regular place to go for any of those sorts of things so it would mean finding a place and going to a new place and dealing with other humans in that place… and with my social anxiety and everything else, I probably couldn’t do it anyway.

I hate to end on a depressing note, so I’m going to shove this really bad part in right here before I get to the rest…

I got a call from the pain doctor’s office. They want to try one other injection for my back that’s a little different than the others, but they are concerned that the insurance company won’t approve it because of what they’ve already tried (none of which has helped). If I can’t have this one or if it doesn’t work, they are out of injection options. The PA mentioned that they/I could consider more aggressive things like a spinal implant that interrupts the pain receptors to the brain… or I could see a surgeon even though they don’t see anything that would indicate surgery is an option. I’m really not okay with either of those options. I really thought some sort of injection would at least help… but no. I have been afraid of having this pain forever and it seems like I will. So… this is terrible news. Again. This has, unfortunately, overshadowed my whole day.

My daughter really is the sweetest kid on earth. I’m not just saying that. She was nearly in tears yesterday when she thought my husband wasn’t going to have time to take her out shopping for my birthday. I told her she didn’t need to get me anything, but it was so important to her. The husband did take her… and she picked out some sweet little things. One of them was a tiny notebook… one for me and one for her… and an envelope full of random words. Every day, we pick one and draw a picture of it. She even got balloons.

In the interest of eating as much junk and as many carbs as I’ve eaten in the last six months combined all in one day, I went to the fancy muffin shop this morning and bought myself a carrot cake muffin with cream cheese frosting. I love them and haven’t had one for years. And obviously I got coffee with that.

To that same end, for dinner (because I sure as fuck was not cooking), I sent my husband to Five Guys. It’s been a long time since I treated myself to that super-healthy meal. Hey, they use only the freshest of ingredients. And we don’t have In-N-Out Burger here on the East Coast.

Oh, I almost forgot… earlier this afternoon, I had a craving for potato chips, so I figured what the hell! I got some. Hey, at least I shared with the kids.

And finally, after dinner, I had half of a cheesecake. No! I’m just kidding. I didn’t eat half of it. That would be crazy. Unless I had skipped dinner. Which I clearly did not.

My body may go into shock but I’ll get through it.


Couldn’t resist adding this…

Obviously I am not the owner of any rights to this song, video, or lyrics… just everything else…

©2018 what sandra thinks


About what sandra thinks

Sandra is a writer, sometimes blogger, poet, artist, emotional disaster. She thinks far too much and sleeps far too little. Sandra lives in the Northeastern U.S. but dreams of an oceanfront home in Italy, but she would settle for a non-oceanfront home in Italy. She loves books, brutal honesty, coffee, and the color black. She hates insincerity, beer, whipped cream, and facebook. And she is uncomfortable talking about herself in the third person.
This entry was posted in life, music, writing and tagged , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

51 Responses to so… to sum up…

  1. foodzesty says:

    Happy Belated Birthday Wishes…..Sophie 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Meg says:

    Carrot cake muffin with cram cheese frosting ,,,, yummmmmmm! And Five Guys! Sounds like an awesome fun food day! You deserve a bonus or two or three or a hundred, Sandra! I’m glad you got some! 😘

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thanks. ♥ I just wish I would stop getting bad news about my back pain. That really took over yesterday. And I woke up in pain so it’s all I can think about today. 😦

      Liked by 1 person

      • Meg says:

        I can imagine… Man, I hope the new approach works. ❤️

        Liked by 1 person

        • I don’t even know that it’s really a new approach. This thing they want to try probably won’t even get approved by the insurance company (because, you know they should decide what I need… not a doctor… ugh)… and the other things they mentioned? I do not see myself doing the implant or surgery. I’m going to just have to live with the pain and all the things I can’t do with my kids because of it. Another reason I shouldn’t have had kids…

          Liked by 1 person

  3. Juli Hoffman says:

    Happy birthday month!!!

    Liked by 1 person

  4. The V Pub says:

    I hope that you saved some cheesecake for me, birthday girl. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  5. gigglingfattie says:

    Im so glad you had so many good things happen for your birthday!! And I really do think you should treat yourself a little with some of that birthday bonus you mentioned. It doesn’t have to be something big or expensive or cause you anxiety, but just a little something ☺ you totally deserve it!

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Mel Gutiér says:

    “I hate that there’s nothing good to talk about, but there just isn’t.”

    So you say… (I’m sorry for the pain) but you talked about a lot of good things here! 😉

    Hugs! This whole thing made me want to hug you! 😘

    Liked by 1 person

    • I accept all hugs. ♥

      I just mean when Mom asked me yesterday how things are going… at that point, all I had was my daughter being mad at me for waking her up… and a lot of pain. I didn’t have anything good to report. And then more bad news about the pain. I’m scared because I don’t think I can live with this pain forever. It upsets me so much every single day. I’m crying just thinking about it and feeling it right now. I can’t focus on anything else because of it but I also can’t fix it. It ruins every part of my life.

      Liked by 1 person

  7. So, Sandra, I have what may be a stupid question, but you know, I’m brave aka stupid, so I’ll ask — is there an email address that I can contact you — like an email address for your blog site? It has to be an email address and I promise, it’s not for any nefarious reasons. If not, I understand — but if you do have an email address you don’t mind sharing with me, could I please have it? If you don’t want to post it on your site, you could send it to my email address at

    Liked by 1 person

  8. Okay, so I’m confused — did you get the birthday card — or did it not go through? Mona


  9. I think you should treat yourself to at least a little something. New card stock, pens, graphic design software? Something. 😊

    Liked by 1 person

    • I have enough cardstock and pens to open my own store… 🙂 what I should do if I spend any money is something I really want… like a pedicure or a massage. But I don’t have a place where I go for those things since it’s been so long and going to a new place gives my massive anxiety. 🙁 And I’d feel guilty spending the money anyway.

      What I wish I got for my birthday is relief for this awful pain. But that’s probably never thing to happen…

      Liked by 1 person

  10. Hunida says:

    So many sweet people in your life! So glad you got the carrot cake muffin, potato chips, & cheesecake! You deserved it all ♡

    Liked by 1 person

  11. Bill says:

    I hope the next is a wonderful year for you and yours.

    Liked by 1 person

  12. jrvincente says:

    It sounds like there were at least some bright spots to your day! Happy belated birthday!

    (And I’m sorry about the bad news. I hope that something comes of the other injection and your insurance covers it!)

    Liked by 1 person

thoughts? talk to me.

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.