unstable.

A long time ago on this blog, I posted about a time I screwed up a relationship because I was so worried that I wasn’t actually special… so paranoid that the relationship was going to end that I caused the very ending I feared.

I couldn’t just enjoy it. I couldn’t ‘live in the moment.’ Instead, I thought about the future and became so concerned about what was going to happen… about what could go wrong… that I made everything go wrong.

That post is gone, just in case you’re looking for it. I removed it because the person with whom I ruined the relationship said these words to me:

You should take that post down. It makes you look unstable.

I was offended… insulted… belittled. And I took down the post.

I have days of heightened anxiety and sadness. I’ve not kept that a secret. But through it, I live my life. As well as I’m able. I do what I have to do… and usually more. I take care of my children, my home, my health. I am not perfect at any of those things… or at anything. (Who is?) But I do the best I can.

Maybe it’s not good enough. Who’s to say? I’m usually my harshest judge… and even I wouldn’t use the word ‘unstable’. I may not be up all the time… but I’m not down all the time either. And that’s normal. Ups and downs. Everyone has them.

Maybe we’re all ‘unstable‘…

 

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©2018 what sandra thinks

 

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About what sandra thinks

Sandra is a writer, blogger, poet, artist, emotional disaster. She thinks far too much and sleeps far too little. Sandra lives in the Northeastern U.S. but dreams of an oceanfront home in Hawaii where she could learn to surf. She loves books, brutal honesty, coffee, and the color black. She hates insincerity, beer, whipped cream, and facebook. And she is uncomfortable talking about herself in the third person.
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39 Responses to unstable.

  1. Marquessa says:

    This post made me smile. You are strong and I can hear that clear in this post. Yes, everyone has their ups and downs but the only important thing as that we keep getting up and dusting ourselves off. Unstable? No.

    Liked by 3 people

  2. Considering the many things we all have to face in this life, who is anyone to say we are not good enough or stable in our journey. I defy anyone to say they have everything under control.
    As you have said, you are doing the best you can with what you have been dealt. And yes, we in fact all create the very thing we all fear…so that we can ‘see’ what built those same fears, understand them…and be free.
    Which means you are probably doing better than most others because of what you are going through.
    Have faith my friend, in you. That heart is stronger than diamond, trust it ❤

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Claudette says:

    The post probably helped you process the situation. Taking it down was a choice….your choice.

    I would like to say ‘don’t give another person the power’ but I am insecure myself and probably would have done the same…

    Either way, keep blogging! I mean, if you want to. 😊

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thanks. I think you’re right… the post helped me make sense of what happened. And I think I just hated that word… unstable… so much that I ditched the post. I should probably have ignored him but my brain doesn’t seem to want to work that way! 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

  4. Juli Hoffman says:

    HUGS!!!! For what it’s worth, I’ve enjoyed reading about your journey: its ups, downs, and everything in-between. I’ve found inspiration. I thank you!

    Liked by 1 person

    • I’m so glad to hear that! And thank you! Sometimes I wonder if I’m just whining away… and if people think I should shut up. But I think I know somewhere in my head that I might be helping someone… even if only by letting them know they’re not alone… ♥

      Liked by 1 person

  5. I think you’re probably right in that we are all unstable to a certain degree, we just don’t admit it.
    We certainly act out different personas according to circumstances, one (or more) for work, one for social, one for family, one for parents.
    Unstable? Us? Never!

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Meg says:

    Yes, we are all unstable. But it is part of what drives us to be creative. Stable can be stationary, unmoving, inflexible. Sorry that doesn’t work for me! Though you go through the lows, you still keep moving forward, Sandra. Don’t let those words get to you! But I would’ve deleted the post too. Because it would always remind me when I’d want to forget about it.

    Liked by 1 person

  7. Miriam says:

    Of course we’re all unstable. We’re all a work in progress but we’re also all strong and capable of anything, just as you are. Hugs to you Sandra. xo

    Liked by 2 people

  8. Eric says:

    Everyone is broken, Lady. You are in good company. I wish you all my best. ❤

    Liked by 2 people

  9. Hunida says:

    Oh fuck that person!

    Liked by 1 person

  10. Oh, our entire existences are unstable…no matter what we convince ourselves of otherwise. All of us. 😊

    Liked by 1 person

  11. draughtrider says:

    who are we to judge ourselves, let alone judge others.
    i’ve always thought sanity was a wonderful concept, something ideal that we all view from a distance, some from further than others.
    ‘stable’ feels related but while our concept of sanity is within, stable feels much more external …
    what seems to matter to me is my ability to balance, or maybe react in the short term, adapt in the long term to the instability.
    i’m cautious in restraining my thoughts and my posts – i might retract something or take something back after serious consideration, but i’m allowed to feel how i do, and so is everyone else.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Yes… exactly. We are allowed to feel our feelings… whether others can handle that or not is their issue… not ours. Not that I don’t worry about what others think of me… because I do, more than I should. But I tell myself all the time that if people can’t deal with me… my thoughts… my feelings, that’s their loss…

      Liked by 1 person

  12. I know I am. Sometimes. And sometimes I’m not. Crap.

    Liked by 1 person

  13. visionsbyjoe says:

    Some people find that being open about mistakes is a flaw in character. I, on the other hand, find it to be very much a positive attribute. ‘Birds of a feather flock together’… I choose the strength of an eagle rather than run with turkeys.

    Liked by 1 person

  14. kennileigh says:

    I think a lot of people don’t understand how therapeutic it is to share feelings, especially through writing, or they aren’t comfortable acknowledging their own. And for some reason, a lot of people like to make others feel bad about their feelings in order to control them. I say, just keep being you! And you’re right, no one is perfect and we all have a bit of instability.

    Liked by 1 person

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