moody monday. #6 #supportorlackthereof

moody monday.

I had an uneventful weekend… which is both good and bad. Nothing especially bad happened… so that’s good. But nothing really happened at all… so that’s bad.

I feel like I should be doing more stuff with my kids over the weekends, but it’s really hard coming up with things to do that don’t cost anything… and that I’m not too messed up to do (like because of my stupid foot pain that acts up sometimes, for example). Maybe they’re getting too old to hang out with Mom anyway. I know my son is. And… maybe I’m lazy… but that’s probably my moodiness talking… and taking over at times… and I wish it would leave me the hell alone.

I’ve been wondering if I should limit my emotional disaster posts to this one… once a week. But I don’t know that I can make (or keep) that promise. When something happens and I need a friend (or 20), I write… and I post here. Because I have no real-life friends… I have no support. God, that’s even more pathetic in writing than it is in reality. Okay, maybe not more pathetic. But at least as pathetic.

I was about to say, ‘I wonder why I can’t make friends’, but I know why. I’m not around people enough because it freaks me out. (And because I’m unemployed.) But even if I was around people more (like when I was working… or anywhere else), I don’t know how to make small talk. I never know what to say. I end up silent or making jokes, often at my own expense, because that’s all I’ve got. And none of that is winning me any friends.

And really, where would I even go? People don’t talk to strangers at coffee shops or the library or any other places I might go. People are in their own worlds… doing their own thing. Most people already have friends… why would they want me? I’m mostly a nuisance with all my emotional-disaster-ness. (Which is also why I’m often afraid to email those of you who’ve said you’re there for me. I believe you and I appreciate you so much… but I don’t want to drive you away…)

One might think I have a good, if not best, friend in my husband or one of my sisters.

I am close to the two sisters who speak to me. (Someday, maybe I’ll post about the third.) But despite being close with those sisters, they really don’t get me. They don’t understand the anxiety and depression I live with. They think ‘snap out of it’… ‘cheer up’… ‘think positively’… or other such things. Don’t people know that if I could do those things, I obviously would? Those things are exactly what I’m incapable of doing (along with ‘love yourself’). Fuck… I wish I could just do those things!

And my husband. Well, he’s useless with this stuff. I know I say some shit about him. And it’s all true. But he’s not a bad guy. He’s not mean or anything like that. He’s just not… there for me, I guess. He used to be. Maybe he got sick of me. But it’s not like I ever hid who I was. I’ve always been a disaster… from the moment we met. He loved me anyway. But now… I really can’t talk to him when I’m in crisis… when I need someone. If I try, I usually come out of it feeling worse. Mostly because he says pretty much nothing… and it doesn’t even feel like he’s listening. I might as well talk to a brick.

So. I don’t know where I was going with any of this. I guess this is what came out when I thought about my mood. And this week… I can actually describe my mood in one word…

Final assessment: lonely


©2017 what sandra thinks

Advertisements

About what sandra thinks

Sandra is a writer, blogger, poet, artist, emotional disaster. She thinks far too much and sleeps far too little. Sandra lives in the Northeastern U.S. but dreams of an oceanfront home in Hawaii where she could learn to surf. She loves music, brutal honesty, coffee, and the color black. She hates insincerity, beer, whipped cream, and facebook. And she is uncomfortable talking about herself in the third person.
This entry was posted in personal, writing and tagged , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

57 Responses to moody monday. #6 #supportorlackthereof

  1. drainbrainx says:

    I’m with you….Mondays suck fucking ass

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Man. That last line got me. Lonely. Such a sad word. Givin’ me the feels today, girl. 😔

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I think you and I have a lot in common…

    But, I work a job that doesn’t have weekends…I work days on days for weeks at a time and then when I’m off work, I go days and days without working, so I sometimes do not know when Monday happens. Maybe that’s when of those silly little blessings I should feel gratitude, but don’t…huh?

    Well, I do find some release in posting online and relinquishing some sort of faux-control over my emotions. So, I think you don’t have to keep these kinds of posts to just one day…especially, since it’s your blog and you can do whatever the eff you want. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you… and I feel the need to say I’m sorry… that we have lots in common because I wouldn’t wish the way I feel on anyone! But I’m glad that you understand.

      Honestly, it doesn’t matter if it’s Monday or not. “Moody Monday” was just catchy. Haha 🙂 I could write a post about my mood daily… and it would never be exactly the same!

      You’re right… I can do whatever I want here… but I can just picture people reading and shaking their heads thinking, “oh man, not again…” and I hate that vision!

      Liked by 1 person

      • Moody Monday
        Terrible Tuesday
        Weeping Wednesday
        Torturous Thursday
        Furious Friday
        Self-deprecating Saturday
        and
        Sullen Sunday
        😉

        But I get it. It’s why I deleted my last blog…I just felt like I was going on and on about the same B.S. and now I feel like I’m starting it off again.

        Liked by 2 people

        • I started my blog with the intention of saying whatever I wanted to say… whatever I needed to say. But when I realized people were actually reading, I started to pull back. Laying it all out there would scare people off… make them think less of me… etc. But that crumbled months later. I needed to get it out there. And it turns out people understood and I finally felt like I had some support… which is seriously lacking in my ‘real life’…

          Liked by 2 people

          • Oh, I totally get it…
            that was me with my last two blogs. I was able to express myself in ways I was always too terrified to do in my real life and then I began feeling like it was so real but knew nothing about it could ever be real…
            and squashed my blogs.

            Liked by 1 person

  4. The V Pub says:

    Do something different. If what you’re trying isn’t working for you, change it up. Don’t look back when your husband used to be there for you. He still is, but chances are you both have changed since. It’s not good, it’s not bad, it just is. He’s dealing with someone just a little bit different from who you used to be. You probably are, too. Embrace it, own it, and do something different. ❤

    Liked by 2 people

  5. Meg says:

    Oh Sandra, I wish I could help too. I’ll send you a hug at least. ❤

    Liked by 2 people

  6. You know you can always email me, right? Just because I worry about abusing my friendships doesn’t mean I don’t want to hear from anyone. Hell, maybe that would make it easier for me to feel like it is okay for me to talk to them… know what I mean?

    Anyway… that being said, I’m going to reply to this comment in an email. 🙂

    Liked by 2 people

  7. I feel for you. I don’t know the answer really. No other parents of your kids that you could just start with saying hi to at school or martial arts or something? I’m still not good in front of a crowd but I’m great talking one on one. Seems like many of our friends when we were younger were parents of other kids on sports teams or from school. And daycare when they were littler. I think you would be a great friend to talk with over coffee or lunch. You are so fun and funny and sensitive! I need to make a trip out to see you 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  8. Aww, I understand this completely. I just work on being my own friend and reaching out to who I can. I used to long for a BFF that actually felt like one, but last year when the longest friendship I had ended, I just gave up on that. People come and go, friends come and go, but at the end of the day, I’m stuck with myself. I might as well make something good out of it.

    Anyway, if you ever want to talk to someone, I’m available via email (spnsnark at Gmail) or whatever else. I would say here, but I am slowly learning that I am useless at WordPress. 😂

    Liked by 1 person

    • Aww, you are not useless at WP! I never would have met you if not for this place… so there’s that. Then again, I’m no ray of fucking sunshine. 😀

      I really miss having friends. Or… one friend. But it’s just too hard to make friends at this point in my life. It seems I can only do it online.

      Thanks so much for your thoughts. I definitely need to be a better friend to myself. I kind of fail there. And by the way, the same goes for you… email me anytime… (whatsandrathinks at gmail) 🙂

      Like

  9. Lovely, Sandra,
    As a introverted extrovert (if that even makes sense) I do understand what it’s like to not know what to say to people to engage them in conversation long enough to become friends. I get it. I used to be far more extroverted, but as time and life has chipped away my veneer, I find that I struggle with connection. (Except with male gardners of course)
    I don’t feel like I spend enough time doing things with my kids either. There are many things I would change, if I could.
    But looking over these comments, you have such an amazing support system on here. I know it’s not in the flesh, but I guarantee, it is all from the heart.
    Love and light to you, Lovely.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you ♥
      Even here online, there are times I struggle with what to say to people. I’m terrible at saying the right things… or doing the right things!
      I’ve always had trouble talking to people (until I get to know them) but it has gotten worse over the years. I don’t think I’m ever going to have a friend offline. But I am so grateful for every wonderful person here. I’m amazed every day that anyone puts up with me. And I always question whether I deserve it.
      Thank you again. ♥

      Liked by 1 person

  10. You do deserve it.❤️

    Liked by 1 person

thoughts? talk to me.

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s