My mom has a boyfriend. And it makes me feel… weird.
There’s nothing wrong with her having a boyfriend. My dad died over five years ago. I want Mom to be happy. And she is super-friendly and outgoing. People like her. (Yeah, I don’t know what the hell happened with those genes because I didn’t get them…) So the boyfriend thing is not a surprise.
But let me back up a little.
A couple of months ago when I first heard that Mom had a ‘friend,‘ as she calls him, I immediately got this lump in my throat and an overwhelming feeling of sadness and even jealousy.
I was the last of Mom’s four girls to find out that she was dating. It feels incredibly odd typing that. Dating. She didn’t set out to meet someone. Since Dad’s been gone, Mom has lived alone (still does) and she has grown much closer to her neighbors/friends. Her ‘friend‘ is one of these neighbors.
Sadness. It totally weirded me out to think of Mom with anyone other than Dad. I know divorce is widespread and people pass on and kids have been watching their parents ‘get back out there‘ forever. But I’m a little fucked up anyway… and my parents were together and happy for over 45 years. This feels… awkward. And sad. And strange. And almost wrong… which it’s not. And even though Dad and I weren’t that close and often butted heads, this makes me miss him… a lot.
I’m sure some of you are thinking that I sound like a 13-year old freaking out about Mom’s new boyfriend. And maybe I do sound like that. But this is new territory for me despite my not being 13 anymore.
Jealousy. This is much weirder. It makes me feel like there is something wrong with me (like, in addition to everything else that’s wrong with me). It’s not that I want Mom to be alone and unhappy… of course I want her to be happy. I guess the thing is… I also want me to be happy. Like, with love. My husband and I love each other. But there’s no spark. There were never huge fireworks, but there was something… and I can’t find it anymore. [And I think a lot of what was between him and I in the beginning was in my head, not in reality… but that’s another story that I kind of told though the end is faulty.]
I know those beginning-of-a-new-relationship feelings usually mellow over time, but they shouldn’t disappear completely, should they? I don’t have unrealistic expectations. (Unrealistic fantasies and unrealistic fictional relationships in my stories… yes. Unrealistic expectations… no.) But I long for those feelings. At least a little. And I’m jealous that Mom gets to have that again. I can’t have that. Who the hell would want me, the walking disaster? And I’m not going to leave my husband anyway… and it sure as hell isn’t going to happen with him.
But that’s all just to explain the jealousy part. Back to Mom.
I’m wondering if these awkward feelings are ever going to pass… or will her new relationship always feel strange to me? Because it still does. Feel strange. Mom’s ‘friend‘ came up in conversation this weekend and I felt unsettled again.
And the thing is… I haven’t even met this guy! And I’m super-awkward meeting new people anyway. But I’m sure at some point… I’m going to meet him. What the hell is going to happen then?
©2017 what sandra thinks