I accept the bad
but question the good.
Have I become
so warped…
so twisted?
Have I lost trust
in all that is right
to believe only
in all that is wrong?
How do I
reverse the switch
when I don’t know
how it flipped
in the first place?
Liam Sullivan's Ideas and Reflections
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what sandra thinks 
Good question. This one resonates with me, and the trust issues I’ve had since childhood. Matters of trust are confusing sometimes….and the wall one builds as protection can be impenetrable. Just ask my wife. 😏
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Okay… put her on. 😀 I’m not pleased, at the moment… because I don’t under stand why, while I’ve been feeling better, I start to doubt it… like it can’t possibly be real because I am not one who feels better… that just doesn’t happen. Seriously, what the hell is that thought??
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If I had to venture a guess, I’d say it’s merely conditioning. If you feel or believe something long enough, it’s hard to trust what’s become a new normal. Trust yourself. Enjoy feeling better and more positive. It’s what you wanted, right? Don’t sabotage it. As for my wife, I can tell you what she’d say: getting me to trust, even her, whom I trust more than anyone, was like trying to break into a vault, finding a brick wall to bust through, then cracking open a walnut wrapped in barbed wire…with one hand. It wasn’t easy. For her or me.
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I certainly have trust issues… even with myself. Especially with myself. As far as conditioning… I think there’s truth to that. My brain has worked this way for so long it doesn’t know how to function any other way. But I cannot remember ever not being this way. Like, even as a child. Maybe I really was just born this way… which makes it a lot harder (or impossible?) to change.
Regardless of any of this… I am now angry with myself because I have been feeling better… but today I literally sat there for about ten minutes staring at the tv (which is off) as tears poured out of me. Why? About what? I have no fucking idea. These are the times I really question my sanity.
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Oh, my dear. Old habits are so hard to break. I know. Hell, I still fall into it at times. I liken it to watching the news. 95% of the stories are negative. That’s what’s easy to pay attention to. The one feel-good story feels…cheesey and unrealistic. Not how the world works. Our brains are similar. Again, we’ve been conditioned to be jaded by this crazy fucking world…and crazy fucking people. Don’t give in to it. You can change. Just takes some effort to recondition, ya’ know? Nonetheless, hugs sent your way. 😊
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Interesting question. This resonates with me. 💟
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♥
I wonder if the answer is… I was born this way… and I have no switch?
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Hmmm…were you an unhappy child?
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No… I don’t remember feeling unhappy when I was a kid. Not at all. That came later… starting around 13-ish. I just always tended to trust bad things that happened and question good ones. Not anything like I do now… but I think there’s always been a touch of it. I kind of feel like it’s my ‘nature’… and my ‘nurture’ never got that out of me. Not that my parents weren’t great parents because they were wonderful to my sisters and me. I just always felt a little darker than everyone else. The black sheep, if you will…
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I can really relate to that. I started feeling ‘dark’ at around age 10, when I hit puberty. My mom is the total opposite.
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My mom is very upbeat and outgoing. I inherited none of that! My dad, the doc, was much quieter… super smart. I inherited that. 🙂
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Sounds like my parents, except my dad’s not a doc. We could be sisters! 😉
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We could! 🙂 It was funny with my dad… we grew up in a small-ish town and he was everyone’s doctor. (Well, that’s an exaggeration… but it seemed that way)… And people used to call him “the doctor”… like Doctor Who. Haha. 😀
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Haha, “the doctor”! 😁
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Very easy to relate to this, this is a great piece.
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Thanks very much!
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I like this and I do agree with Beach that it is like conditioning. Focusing on what is wrong, and I admit, that is the easiest to see when it feels like everything else is going to hell, makes it more and more important. Focus on your talent, your creativity, your humor…<3
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It’s not so much that I can’t find the good stuff… it’s that even when I have it… when I feel good… I don’t believe it or trust it. I assume it can’t be real because I don’t get to feel good… it’s just not something that happens to me. So if it does… or if it starts to… I don’t trust or believe it. And I’m not sure how to condition myself in the better direction since I’ve never been there. Know what I mean? I’m messed up!
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