Maybe I’m wallowing. But I haven’t been completely miserable. But I do have too many things weighing on me right now. More than I’ve posted. (You’re welcome.) I’ve had moments of inexplicable breakdown… yet moments of genuine laughter. I know I’m broken. I’ve given up the idea of ‘fixing’. Instead, I’m trying to figure out how to live with myself… because it has become clear to me that there is no ‘fix’.
The balance isn’t there… or when it is… it’s fragile… it’s delicate. And it breaks.
And then there’s the matter of trust. How can anyone expect it to remain when it’s been betrayed? It doesn’t just regenerate when it’s been severed. Why would someone bother pretending to be a friend only to tell me half-truths? Why keep me in his/her life at all? Just to have someone to lie to? Just to have a human doormat?
I don’t know about you, but I want friends I can trust… and who trust me. If I wanted secrets and lies and dishonesty, I’d go into politics. [Shudder] So don’t pretend to care… or pretend to be sincere. Be honest… be true to me… or don’t bother with me at all.
So why’d you fill my sorrow
With the words you’ve borrowed
From the only place you’ve known?
And why do you sing Hallelujah
If it means nothing to you?
Why’d you sing with me at all?