it’s just me.

me.


I have certain characteristics… and a very particular set of skills…

particular

 No, seriously. Specific traits and abilities come to mind when I think of myself… and I imagine when others think of me, too. (Assuming anyone other than ‘me’ ever thinks about ‘me’.) Some things have become so closely associated with me that they’ve become expectations… they’ve become who I am.

Creative. Intelligent. Funny. Talented. Sarcastic.

Coffee addict. Writer. Artist. Baker. Wearer of all things black.  

These things are me. I embrace them.

And then there are these…

Negative. Sad. Lonely. Hopeless. Anxious. Cynical.

These things are also me. I think part of me embraces these, too. Which, I know, sounds totally nuts.

It’s not intentional. Not really. But they have become a part of me. And much like losing my brains or my coffee addiction, losing these feels like I’m losing me. It feels like I’m going to disappoint someone who thinks they know me.

What the hell kind of fucked up is that? Truly. If there is anyone out there who isn’t going to like me anymore because I’m no longer sad or hopeless or negative… fuck them! Right?

So why does it feel like I’m not being ‘true to myself’ if I feel good? What the hell is that?!?

I don’t understand me. I am messed up. I don’t want to be sad and hopeless.

cynical cat.

Cynical… well, that’s different. That’s never going away.

dots

©2017 what sandra thinks
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About what sandra thinks

Sandra is a writer, blogger, poet, artist, emotional disaster. She thinks far too much and sleeps far too little. Sandra lives in the Northeastern U.S. but dreams of an oceanfront home in Hawaii where she could learn to surf. She loves music, brutal honesty, coffee, and the color black. She hates insincerity, beer, whipped cream, and facebook. And she is uncomfortable talking about herself in the third person.
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63 Responses to it’s just me.

  1. Exactly people should love you for who you are. And if some good changes take place in you. By good changes I mean those changes that make you truly more happy then people around you should be able to accept it! And even more so they should be able to appreciate that!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Connecting with my post from yesterday – LOOK AT YOU! 10 good things about yourself! (I’m going to consider coffee addict and wearing of all things black something to like about yourself. Cos coffee? Awesome! Black clothes? Awesome)

    I think we all need to embrace the good and the bad in ourselves. Don’t lose that part of you, because you’re right – it’s part of what makes you who you are. 🙂 And I personally like who you are! Even if some days are harder than others, you’re still you, and who else could be you? (good Lord! I’m going to stop before this turns into a Dr. Seuss book)

    Liked by 3 people

  3. I think anyone who’s not cynical just isn’t paying attention. 😃

    Liked by 3 people

  4. Meg Sorick says:

    I know what you mean about embracing the negative… there’s this cruel irony that sparks creativity – we’ve talked about it before. It’s too bad you can’t turn the volume down, or shut it off when you need to. Because fro that fount springs some inspired writing and art.

    Liked by 2 people

    • But that’s not even the issue. I’m never going to be all sunshine and roses. There will always be a certain level of darkness… and I agree — I need it for creativity.

      The issue, though, is that if the depression or anxiety or hopelessness goes away, I feel like it’s not me… so I have to keep them forever. I don’t get why I think that way… because if that’s true, then why bother trying to get better? Those things are part of me. I feel like I’m actually disappointing people if I’m not my sad, hopeless self… because those things are me. And they shouldn’t be! I will always feel them but I’ll feel them AT TIMES… they shouldn’t be my identity… my trademark.

      Know what I mean?

      I wonder if no one understood this post. Now I question it… and updating it is pointless… no one’s going to read it again!

      Liked by 2 people

  5. Wow, love the discussion!

    Liked by 1 person

  6. I love your style. Great post.

    Liked by 1 person

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