Is this song to me… or from me? I think both.
It reminds of ‘friends’ who disappeared when I needed them most. I know, that means they weren’t real friends, right? Yeah, people tell me that. Of course, then some of the people who tell me that magically vanish, too. So none of them were ever real friends? Fuck if I know. What’s true? What’s real? What’s right? Maybe ultimately everyone goes… maybe I’m just that awful.
After all, according to one old ‘friend’, sharing my personal struggles makes me ‘look unstable’. Is it really a surprise that I so often feel that I have to hide what’s inside me? That I have to pretend?
I know this all sounds melodramatic… But I played the song and started typing. And this is what came out… and I’m in no mood to edit, hide, or otherwise censor myself. So fuck it… I won’t. Take me as I am… I’m tired of faking it.
Damn, even my subconscious is a bitch. So stop listening to me. Listen to Beck.
No one left to watch your back now
No one standing at your door
That’s what you thought love was for
[…]
Baby you’re a lost cause
[…]
I’m tired of fighting for a lost cause
Obviously I am not the owner of any rights to this song, this video, or these lyrics… just everything else… which isn’t much… © 2016 what sandra thinks
what sandra thinks 
You should never have to pretend among friends. Ever.
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That’s a frightening thought even though it shouldn’t be… Because, as pathetic as it sounds (and it really does sound pathetic), if I’m not pretending at all… I find myself alone. Not sure what that means…
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Ok, ready for a favorite cliche of mine? Being alone doesn’t have to mean being lonely. Sometimes I can be in a room full of people and feel alone, while other times I am physically alone but don’t feel lonely. But then there are those days that I am tempted to call Farmers only dot com. 😉
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Well, you know how much I loooove cliches. 😋 It’s not the alone… it’s the alone. 🙂 What I mean is… I like to be alone, physically. Not always, but you know. But when I feel emotionally, psychologically alone… people around or not? That’s the alone that is miraculously there when I let all of me out… So then the hiding. Maybe I’m just too scary… And alas, Halloween is over….
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It’s over, but you have yummy candy still. So there. And let it out and let it go.
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Dude… I’d like to throw it all out here… But if I make one more post about my fucked up head… well, someone is going to send the men in white coats to get me. And I don’t mean strippers dressed as doctors. (Although that might be more helpful than the other kind…)
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I do have a toy stethoscope…
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Of course you do. Is it from your previous gig as Dr. Rob the Naughty MD?
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Exactly. No prescriptions needed. 😉
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In that case, I’m pretty sure I’m in need of some extensive medical attention. 😋
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Extensive, comprehensive, thorough. I’m there.
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Thanks. I think this treatment could be enormously helpful. I’ll undress and cover myself with this sheet while I wait for you.
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I think that the sheet will only impede the examination. Off it comes.
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It’s a little chilly in here. But you’re the doctor… you should be able to fix my chills… unless you only give me more.
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I can see that you’re chilly. And yes, some more chills followed by elevated cardio vascular activity, followed by a cigarette, or some suitable replacement.
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I certainly wouldn’t put a cigarette between my lips in the presence of my Dr… but I’m sure we can come up with something else.
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What do you have in mind? Do tell!
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A lollipop? Whatever you’ve got under that white coat?
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Hmmm. All of that sugar can be bad for you.
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Got a hot dentist friend? If not, I guess we’ll have to go with your under-the-coat treat.
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But I’m not wearing a coat.
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I’ll just have to poke around until I find something satisfying to put in my mouth.
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I’m sure that you’ll find something to your liking. Now, lets start by taking your temperature…
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It seems to be rising…
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There’s one way to tell..
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Just one?
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Initially. That’ll set up the rest of the exam. BTW, Giggling Fattie has a post that you’ve commented on, and I’ve blamed you for stuff over there. 😀
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Oh? I will have to take a look. Well, I will take a look when I can get it… my computer freaked out the other day and I can’t find the password…
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Nothing quite like a PC that’s freaked out. Now, say AAHHHH.
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Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh.
(By the way, I’m easily lured when someone calls me amazing… 😛 )
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Don’t let it go to your head. The compliment, that is. 😉
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Oh sure, take it away from me! (The compliment, that is…)
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No, you get to have both. Now, where were we?
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Checking my fever?
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Oh, yes. Now, many people think that checking the forehead is the best place. I have had a different experience. Now, hands behind your head…
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Uh oh. Of course, I will do as you wish.
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Now, let me pull up my chair and check you out..errr….check for a fever.
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You may be making the chills worse. Am I going to be okay, Doc?
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I can see that you’re chills are getting worse. Not a bad sign. At least the outward symptoms are pleasing…err..a healthy sign.
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This is how I feel right now. And yeah it sucks when friends disappear. They say it passes and it gets better… I’m looking forward to that day. Hugs.
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Yeah, when the fuck does that happen? I’m going to need some evidence… some proof…
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We are all unstable, to varying degrees. Life, by its very nature, is tenuous and rife with unknowns and potential perils. Anyone who thinks they’ve got it all figured out is merely in denial. You be you. If they don’t like it, fuck off. Just my opinion though. 😃
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Well, I like your opinion. It does seem, though, that if I get too close and there’s too much “me” showing… well, things begin to turn…
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Well, I guess some people don’t deal well with others’ troubles. It’s all good when it’s party time and things are all rainbows and butterflies. Life has a way of making changes to that Utopian nebulan dream world. If they can’t have things perfect and rosy, they don’t want to deal with it. I have patients whose family are this way. In my mind, the patient, and you, are better off without that shit. I’d rather they just stay away instead of selectively being there, out of convenience or guilt. Friends like this? Not friends at all.
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I know it’s true. My brain knows, logically, it’s true. But it’s really hard to believe it when I’m feeling kind of desperate for someone to talk to and there’s no one. If that makes sense…
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Absolutely it makes sense! I feel ya’ on this. But when I was in that state, I didn’t have the benefit of ether-connections and “cyber friends”. If you open up, talk it out, I’d bet you’ll get lots of encouragement and ears and shoulders from those of us who enjoy your company. Not live and in person necessarily, but real people nonetheless. 😊
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Lately I’m a bit worried it’s too much. What I mean is, I’ve had a lot of really low lows lately… So while part of me wants to write it so I don’t feel alone with it… another part of me is worried that people must be SO sick of me and all my crap. (God knows I’m sick of me and all my crap.)
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It’s entirely up to you, of course. But, from my point of view, I’ve lost a friend to “really low lows”. I wish he’d have talked it out or written it out or sang it out or whatever’d it out. Not implying anything about you, at all, in any way. But if you’re down, and writing it out helps you, then by God, you should. Readers and “friends” possibly checking out on you is not what matters. Like you said, if they aren’t there for you in a time of need, what’s the point of them being around. Those that do care and have some level of compassion will ride it out with you.
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I most definitely see your point. I, too, have lost someone. I think there’s a truth here that I’ve pretty much always known… I care too much what other people think of me. But I think that’s a self-confidence issue. If I think I suck, I’d better put on my best face so people will like me. Wow… I’m fucked up!
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People like people who are themselves. Real. Just be you, if only here. And, who are you worried about chasing off?!? You’re pretty fucking great from what I can tell. 😃
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Now you’re just saying things to make me feel good and cry! (Not the bad cry…)
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Well, I wasn’t trying to make you cry, but I don’t mind making someone feel better. 😊
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People are afraid, and not of you.
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I think maybe it is of me. But how can I even say? I don’t really feel like I know anymore.
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Maybe it doesn’t matter? Either way, the ones who don’t stay aren’t worth having. Period. I agree with sonofbeach…be you. Write if it helps. The ones who leave, leave because they make a choice, and that choice benefits both parties (even if it sucks and/or hurts). Bottom line – be real you. It’s your blog. It’s your life. Anyone worth having will be right there. Here. Wherever!
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Thank you, Kay. I do understand everything you’re saying. And I know it’s right. But as ridiculous and illogical as it is, I fear losing people… even the ones I shouldn’t worry about. I know… it’s so stupid!
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No, it’s not. I am too, always have been. But I try very hard to remember that I’m a person worth loving. I give my all to the ones I love. I know clichés are stupid, but I’ve heard and read this so many times ….we only accept the love we feel we deserve. I’ve thought so much about that. Still do. Because I know I have not accepted and received love from people who tried like hell to show me they cared. I’m not saying that’s what your doing at all. I’m just saying that issues of worth can create a viscous cycle and it sucks. Good thing is there really are people who get that. Who understand and won’t be pushed away and will not think you’re needy (or whatever else you tell yourself) because they just love you. Period. Just gotta leap, be yourself, and know that there will be misses along the way. And they will hurt. 😞
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I am so glad you understand and don’t think I’m totally crazy. And I think maybe sometimes I don’t accept what someone is offering me because I am convinced it can’t be real because I don’t deserve it or, you know, who would want to ‘deal with’ me? I’m trying so hard… to stop thinking such awful things about myself. Because I haven’t quite gotten there, I feel like it makes people think I’m not trying.
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I couldn’t possibly convey how much I understand. For me, feeling like ‘enough’ is an uphill battle that will likely be lifelong, chipping and chipping away. I will say this – the single thing that has made the hugest impact is complete honesty with the people with whom I’ve developed friendships. They know about this issue and all the rest. I share my feelings in regards to the relationship no matter how trivial it seems and instead of pushing away it only deepens them.
Be real. That alone will help you find the ones you are meant to be friends with.
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♥ Thank you so much. Everything scares me lately… everything about my life and my relationships. I have such a huge fear of being alone that I make mistakes… Or what feel like mistakes to me. (Of course I don’t realize I’m doing that until is too late…) But my God, I’m so tired of constantly worrying about losing people. I’m so tired of feeling like I have to pretend. I wish I could just let that go… I wish I could believe that if they go, I don’t need them… and shouldn’t even want them.
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The love of the right people will help. And risk on your part, too. And you’re welcome. It’s my pleasure, Sandra.
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I’m so bad at finding people… I hope some of the right people find me. I’m having a crisis of faith in someone right now and I’m scared to death to ask what’s going on… is it all in my head so it’s pathetic to even ask? …do I even want the answer (depending what it is, of course)?
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I’m actually having a similar issue. But I’m being honest and open about my feelings. Fuck does it hurt, but I know I need to.
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I hate it! I feel sick over it… And still haven’t had the courage to say anything… so it lingers…
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I understand. I dreamt about it last night and the sick feeling woke me up! But I’m taking about it with her today. Try?!?!
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I feel exactly the same… woke up feeling sick over it… I need to try… But I’m so damn scared…
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I know. But it’s a risk that’s important to take…
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You’re not bad at it. I think maybe you’re afraid. It’s not easy and there’s going to be some misses and hurts. No doubt about that.
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This totally slipped by me yesterday. I hope your crisis has passed or eased a little at least? It’s a really pretty day here. I’m ignoring the news and tapping away at the keys… Did you trash Dan’s clothes, yet? xoxo
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Nice day here today, too. Trying desperately to ignore the news because it makes me anxious… and nauseated. And… the kids are off today (most of the schools are used as polling places)… so they are a huge distraction… especially when they try to kill each other. I had to take them with me to vote. They weren’t torturing each other then, though. Thankfully. I did not trash Dan’s clothes yet… and I need to go shred some chicken for dinner… 😛 I don’t feel like it. Anyway, with any luck I will be able to write tonight… maybe. I wonder if the news-anxiety is replacing the giant pink elephant. That may be helping. But as always, denial can’t be forever… Oh poop.
xoxo
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I know! I think the lesser of two evils will prevail. Just in case, I am researching emigration. I hear its really cheap to live in Costa Rica. And you can make money by teaching English online! Actually you can do that here…. Hey…. But yeah, Costa Rica. Let’s go!
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I’m in. But I think I have to bring everyone with me… 😛
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Ha! No problem!
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One of my all time favorite songs…
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Cool. Somehow, you and I liking the same songs doesn’t surprise me at all…
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