song of the day. #8

song of the day.

Is this song to me… or from me? I think both.

It reminds of ‘friends’ who disappeared when I needed them most. I know, that means they weren’t real friends, right? Yeah, people tell me that. Of course, then some of the people who tell me that magically vanish, too. So none of them were ever real friends? Fuck if I know. What’s true? What’s real? What’s right? Maybe ultimately everyone goes… maybe I’m just that awful.

After all, according to one old ‘friend’, sharing my personal struggles makes me ‘look unstable’. Is it really a surprise that I so often feel that I have to hide what’s inside me? That I have to pretend?

I know this all sounds melodramatic… But I played the song and started typing. And this is what came out… and I’m in no mood to edit, hide, or otherwise censor myself. So fuck it… I won’t. Take me as I am… I’m tired of faking it.

Damn, even my subconscious is a bitch. So stop listening to me. Listen to Beck.

No one left to watch your back now
No one standing at your door
That’s what you thought love was for
[…]
Baby you’re a lost cause
[…]
I’m tired of fighting for a lost cause

song of the day

Obviously I am not the owner of any rights to this song, this video, or these lyrics… just everything else… which isn’t much… © 2016 what sandra thinks

song of the day

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About what sandra thinks

Sandra is a writer, blogger, poet, artist, emotional disaster. She thinks far too much and sleeps far too little. Sandra lives in the Northeastern U.S. but dreams of an oceanfront home in Hawaii where she could learn to surf. She loves music, brutal honesty, coffee, and the color black. She hates insincerity, beer, whipped cream, and facebook. And she is uncomfortable talking about herself in the third person.
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75 Responses to song of the day. #8

  1. The V Pub says:

    You should never have to pretend among friends. Ever.

    Liked by 3 people

  2. Halycon Prana says:

    This is how I feel right now. And yeah it sucks when friends disappear. They say it passes and it gets better… I’m looking forward to that day. Hugs.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. We are all unstable, to varying degrees. Life, by its very nature, is tenuous and rife with unknowns and potential perils. Anyone who thinks they’ve got it all figured out is merely in denial. You be you. If they don’t like it, fuck off. Just my opinion though. 😃

    Liked by 2 people

    • Well, I like your opinion. It does seem, though, that if I get too close and there’s too much “me” showing… well, things begin to turn…

      Liked by 1 person

      • Well, I guess some people don’t deal well with others’ troubles. It’s all good when it’s party time and things are all rainbows and butterflies. Life has a way of making changes to that Utopian nebulan dream world. If they can’t have things perfect and rosy, they don’t want to deal with it. I have patients whose family are this way. In my mind, the patient, and you, are better off without that shit. I’d rather they just stay away instead of selectively being there, out of convenience or guilt. Friends like this? Not friends at all.

        Liked by 1 person

        • I know it’s true. My brain knows, logically, it’s true. But it’s really hard to believe it when I’m feeling kind of desperate for someone to talk to and there’s no one. If that makes sense…

          Liked by 1 person

          • Absolutely it makes sense! I feel ya’ on this. But when I was in that state, I didn’t have the benefit of ether-connections and “cyber friends”. If you open up, talk it out, I’d bet you’ll get lots of encouragement and ears and shoulders from those of us who enjoy your company. Not live and in person necessarily, but real people nonetheless. 😊

            Liked by 1 person

            • Lately I’m a bit worried it’s too much. What I mean is, I’ve had a lot of really low lows lately… So while part of me wants to write it so I don’t feel alone with it… another part of me is worried that people must be SO sick of me and all my crap. (God knows I’m sick of me and all my crap.)

              Liked by 1 person

              • It’s entirely up to you, of course. But, from my point of view, I’ve lost a friend to “really low lows”. I wish he’d have talked it out or written it out or sang it out or whatever’d it out. Not implying anything about you, at all, in any way. But if you’re down, and writing it out helps you, then by God, you should. Readers and “friends” possibly checking out on you is not what matters. Like you said, if they aren’t there for you in a time of need, what’s the point of them being around. Those that do care and have some level of compassion will ride it out with you.

                Liked by 2 people

  4. Kay says:

    People are afraid, and not of you.

    Liked by 1 person

    • I think maybe it is of me. But how can I even say? I don’t really feel like I know anymore.

      Liked by 1 person

      • Kay says:

        Maybe it doesn’t matter? Either way, the ones who don’t stay aren’t worth having. Period. I agree with sonofbeach…be you. Write if it helps. The ones who leave, leave because they make a choice, and that choice benefits both parties (even if it sucks and/or hurts). Bottom line – be real you. It’s your blog. It’s your life. Anyone worth having will be right there. Here. Wherever!

        Liked by 1 person

        • Thank you, Kay. I do understand everything you’re saying. And I know it’s right. But as ridiculous and illogical as it is, I fear losing people… even the ones I shouldn’t worry about. I know… it’s so stupid!

          Liked by 1 person

          • Kay says:

            No, it’s not. I am too, always have been. But I try very hard to remember that I’m a person worth loving. I give my all to the ones I love. I know clichés are stupid, but I’ve heard and read this so many times ….we only accept the love we feel we deserve. I’ve thought so much about that. Still do. Because I know I have not accepted and received love from people who tried like hell to show me they cared. I’m not saying that’s what your doing at all. I’m just saying that issues of worth can create a viscous cycle and it sucks. Good thing is there really are people who get that. Who understand and won’t be pushed away and will not think you’re needy (or whatever else you tell yourself) because they just love you. Period. Just gotta leap, be yourself, and know that there will be misses along the way. And they will hurt. 😞

            Liked by 1 person

            • I am so glad you understand and don’t think I’m totally crazy. And I think maybe sometimes I don’t accept what someone is offering me because I am convinced it can’t be real because I don’t deserve it or, you know, who would want to ‘deal with’ me? I’m trying so hard… to stop thinking such awful things about myself. Because I haven’t quite gotten there, I feel like it makes people think I’m not trying.

              Liked by 1 person

  5. Kay says:

    I couldn’t possibly convey how much I understand. For me, feeling like ‘enough’ is an uphill battle that will likely be lifelong, chipping and chipping away. I will say this – the single thing that has made the hugest impact is complete honesty with the people with whom I’ve developed friendships. They know about this issue and all the rest. I share my feelings in regards to the relationship no matter how trivial it seems and instead of pushing away it only deepens them.

    Be real. That alone will help you find the ones you are meant to be friends with.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Meg Sorick says:

    This totally slipped by me yesterday. I hope your crisis has passed or eased a little at least? It’s a really pretty day here. I’m ignoring the news and tapping away at the keys… Did you trash Dan’s clothes, yet? xoxo

    Liked by 1 person

    • Nice day here today, too. Trying desperately to ignore the news because it makes me anxious… and nauseated. And… the kids are off today (most of the schools are used as polling places)… so they are a huge distraction… especially when they try to kill each other. I had to take them with me to vote. They weren’t torturing each other then, though. Thankfully. I did not trash Dan’s clothes yet… and I need to go shred some chicken for dinner… 😛 I don’t feel like it. Anyway, with any luck I will be able to write tonight… maybe. I wonder if the news-anxiety is replacing the giant pink elephant. That may be helping. But as always, denial can’t be forever… Oh poop.
      xoxo

      Liked by 1 person

  7. One of my all time favorite songs…

    Liked by 1 person

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