the 25th of August.

August.

August is a difficult month. I dread it every year. First there’s the impending doom and then there’s the realization of said doom.

And it’s all about today… August 25th.

Dad.
Today is my father’s birthday. After many months of conflicting conditions with conflicting treatments, my dad died in 2012. It was not a surprise but that didn’t make it any easier. I’m forever grateful for my mom’s updates and her intuition because she (amazingly) told me I should come down and visit dad that one weekend… and two days later, he was gone. Somehow, she knew. And I think he knew, too. The night before he died, he didn’t want to let go of mom’s hand. She is convinced it was because he knew.

Dad and I were never close. I’m sure that’s part of the reason his death hit me so hard. We disagreed on many things… and he never understood me. But we laughed together and visited interesting places together and had some really amazing talks. He was always full of stories from his earlier life in Italy. And stories about moving to the US to finish medical school – but first, traveling all over this country. In a car. Which he also slept in. After removing the front passenger seat to create a makeshift bed. He taught himself how to speak English by watching television. He was kind of a genius. Mom says that’s where I get it.

——

The Bitch.
Today is also my eldest sister’s birthday. I always that that was pretty cool – born on Dad’s birthday. So today also makes me think of her. But the thing is… she is a colossal bitch. We shall call her B. Ever since I can remember, she’s been a bitch. She ruined Christmas for me when I was six. She always teased me about anything she could think of – just me, not my other two sisters. I don’t know how she managed to make me feel so terrible… I was smarter, more talented, and hell, more popular and prettier, too. And she has small boobs.

Yet through it all, I was nice to her… even going out of my way to do things for her – things she didn’t even ask for. Big things, little things. And she never thanked me for anything. Instead, she made me miserable.

When I was a kid, my parents would say, ‘she doesn’t mean it… she’s just teasing.’ As the years passed, though, the real reason became obvious. She was jealous. And that blows my mind since currently, my life is a disaster!

Mom and I came to realize that B’s first marriage was a hurried decision because she was afraid my then-boyfriend and I might get married before she could. And she’s the oldest… she had to be first. Months before her second wedding, I had my first child. She resents me for that. Apparently, I was supposed to put my life on hold until she did everything first. How could I be so heartless?

Almost seven years ago… she stopped speaking to me. It was a family gathering. I greeted her when I arrived but she walked away without a word. And that was it. (Oh, but when she left that day, she made a scene… blaming me for her not speaking to me.)

A day or two later, I received an email from her… the most horribly cruel email I’ve ever received in my life. It detailed everything about me she hated. And it was ridiculous. She mentioned stuff like me interrupting her in conversation, for fuck’s sake! She mentioned my “overreaction” to her announcing her pregnancy at my son’s first birthday party. (By the way, she basically took over the whole event, talking about herself for the rest of the afternoon. She is such an attention whore she stole attention from a BABY.)

She said she was tired of having to walk on eggshells around me to spare my feelings. (Pot, kettle, black.) She has never spared my feelings in her life! Hell, one of her problems with me was ‘I interrupted her’! Fucking eggshells. Suck it! She was cruel to me. No eggshells there (except the ones up her ass). In fact, me and Mom and my other sisters – we had to be careful around her!

She concluded her email with, “Don’t bother to respond because I’ve already blocked your email.” Yeah, dumbass, I can create a new email address whenever the fuck I want. But I wasn’t going to play. Fuck her. She never came to another family gathering again. Such a relief! I didn’t have to look at her bitch face. This remains the nicest thing she’s ever done for me. Yet she thought she was hurting me. Moron. She was only hurting Mom and Dad and Grandma. Bitch.

I’ve seen her twice since her self-imposed exile. My dad’s funeral and my grandma’s funeral. I tried to say hello… but the moment she saw me coming, she turned away. Honestly, a relief.

Oh… she doesn’t speak to my younger sister anymore either. No idea why. It’s got to be some petty, insignificant shit. Because she is petty.

——

Stephen.
When I was 15 years old, my cousin Stephen took his own life. On August 25th. He was 16 years old. I wrote a post about this but never published. But I will. I think it’s important. For me. And maybe for others, too. But I will leave it at this for now.

——

So… I’m not a huge fan of August. This isn’t about sympathy or anything like that. But maybe it explains why, lately, I’ve been having some writing struggles… and having meltdowns… and being such a bitch. My apologies… on all counts…

swirl.
sandra
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About what sandra thinks

Sandra is a writer, blogger, poet, artist, emotional disaster. She thinks far too much and sleeps far too little. Sandra lives in the Northeastern U.S. but dreams of an oceanfront home in Hawaii where she could learn to surf. She loves music, brutal honesty, coffee, and the color black. She hates insincerity, beer, whipped cream, and facebook. And she is uncomfortable talking about herself in the third person.
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91 Responses to the 25th of August.

  1. tarnishedsoul says:

    You are dealing with so much, all I can do is offer you a hug.
    You are a sweet person and obviously your heart is tender (which is a good thing).
    I’ve come to realize, in life, that you can’t control assholes, but you can sure ramp up the use of air fresheners.

    Liked by 2 people

  2. stephieann8 says:

    I am so sorry about your August troubles. My aunt hates December because my uncle was killed on the job. I am also sorry about your sister. She sounds like a real narcissistic tool. I always get upset when family fights or doesn’t get along because I grew up being told family first. Sometimes though it is not possible and it makes me really sad.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. VictoryInTrouble says:

    Wow, that is certainly a lot to deal with, and on one single day. Huge hugs, my friend! You have not been acting like a bitch at all! Too bad you don’t drink, this day could use a bottle of wine…or whiskey. I’m sorry for your losses. Except your sister- that might be a gain. 😬 I hope you have some smiles throughout today. Hugs!! ❤️

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Meg Sorick says:

    Wow, that’s a lot of stuff on one day. No wonder you feel the weight of it on you. Isn’t it amazing how deeply imprinted negative stuff becomes? I don’t think we remember happy events as organically… as physically. You never feel euphoria creep up on you the way gloom does. Then when it settles on you it’s harder to shake. No wonder you needed some birthday cake yesterday. 😦

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Eric says:

    Sandra,

    I’m sorry for everything that is hurting you today. I hope this time passes quickly and I hope you will remember that there are hearts out here that care for you a great deal.

    All my love,

    Eric

    Liked by 1 person

  6. I hope that someday, something REALLY AFUCKINGMAZING happens on August 25 so you can mourn your losses AND celebrate the good that life has to offer. Terrible and Wonderful happen every single day. I hope your wonderfuls will win. 😊

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thanks so much. I hate to be super negative… but I really don’t see anything so great happening today. (Lately, I don’t see that happening any day!) Currently, the kids are fighting, I have a terrible headache that will probably get worse when my husband comes home from work! Because he’s a tool. 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

  7. It’s almost over. I know how ya feel. I dread January, for multiple reasons. 😕

    Liked by 1 person

  8. Kay says:

    Wow, that’s a lot to deal with! I’ve got a hug, too. And I thought I’d offer some distraction and possibly a laugh….did you know…August is full of many ridiculous holiday/special days??

    August is National Catfish Month
    August is Romance Awareness Month
    August is Foot Health Month
    August 1 is…National Raspberry Cream Pie Day
    August 3 is…National Watermelon Day
    August 4 is…Twins Day Festival
    August 6 is…Wiggle Your Toes Day
    August 7 is…Sea Serpent Day
    August 8 is…Sneak Zucchini Onto Your Neighbor’s Porch Night
    August 10 is…Lazy Day
    August 12 is…Middle Child’s Day
    August 13 is…Blame Someone Else Day
    August 15 is…National Relaxation Day & National Failures Day
    August 18 is…Bad Poetry Day
    August 25 is…Kiss-And-Make-Up Day
    August 28 is…World Sauntering Day
    August 30 is…National Toasted Marshmallow Day
    August 31 is…National Trail Mix Day

    So today is kiss a catfish day. Or eat catfish and kiss all day day. Or make up sex day after eating catfish. And buying lots of air freshener. 😜

    Liked by 3 people

  9. A few comments: keep hating August. At the least, it’s the armpit of summer. Second, I hate March bc that is the month I lost my dad (oh and we hadn’t spoken in 7 months). And lastly, thoughts on posting sister Lucifer’s email? That way we can rip it apart to support you? I’m sorry you had to deal with that.

    Liked by 1 person

  10. Tikeetha T says:

    Sending you happy thoughts and hugs for this difficult month.

    Liked by 1 person

  11. Sending big hugs! Now at least August is almost over and you can move on. And your sister? Definitely her loss not spending time with you and your children. xoxo

    Liked by 1 person

  12. gjmasterton says:

    Wow. Just wow…

    Liked by 1 person

  13. mandibelle16 says:

    I’m sorry August sucks. Sad for you, that your Dad had passed on, and now you have to deal with B. There is one in many families, I have this Aunt, and there’s a reason my family (her oldest brother’s family) has never been close to her. Quite honestly, we like her husband more and he’s been in jail. Prayers for you, getting through it 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  14. Miriam says:

    Firstly, you’re not a bitch! Secondly, you’re better off without that so called “sister” of yours in your life. With blood ties like that who needs enemies. I’m sorry August is such a hard month for you Sandra. Here’s hoping for happier days ahead for you. Hugs to you my friend. xo

    Liked by 2 people

  15. Apologies not necessary. I would love to punch your sister in the Vjay-Jay. Pisses me the fuck off. What a selfish and arrogant piece of shit. She needs help. I’m sorry about your Dad and your cousin. This is a tough month for you. If we lived closer I would take you out for drinks. Hugs Sweetie!

    Liked by 1 person

  16. humerareads says:

    hey sandra..i share birthday wd your DAD..:)
    btw well written..:)

    Liked by 1 person

  17. Marquessa says:

    That’s some difficult stuff you’re dealing with. Sending you huge hugs.

    Liked by 1 person

  18. Fuck off, August! Get out of here with your ridiculous mind games and bullshit!

    Liked by 2 people

  19. magarisa says:

    You have NOT been acting like a bitch, and September is just around the corner! 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  20. Pingback: school and the end. | what sandra thinks

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