the truth is…

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The truth is… I’ve been hiding again.

The truth is… I don’t know if posting this is a good idea. (Oh, hell, I’m sure it’s not. But apparently, I’m an idiot.)

The truth is… sometimes talking about certain things make me feel worse… so hiding is okay… it’s the answer.

But the truth is… I wish I had someone to hide with. I need to get out of my own head — the really screwed up part. But when I hide, I’m alone. And with no one or nothing to wake the rest of my brain, the screwed up part takes control and does all it can to slay the rest of me. The rest of me… There is far more to me than the screwed up part! I don’t want it crushed. I’m already worried no one sees it.

last nightThanks, Morrissey.

The truth is… I know I have friends here, but I cannot shake the feeling that no one wants to hear my crap… or have anything to do with me when they read it.

And I understand completely.

The truth is… even when I need to vent, as I always tell my (thick-headed) husband, I’m not looking for answers or solutions (I need to find those on my own). I just need support.

[Although, hey… if someone has a miracle solution, lay it on me.]

Hell, the truth is… often, I don’t even want to vent! I want to forget! But, see above. Being alone, the wrong pieces of my brain take charge… and I can’t forget. I can’t escape. I want to hang out with a friend and have fun. I want to have a nice conversation with someone who cares if I smile. I want to be silly (and sometimes dirty because that’s how I roll). I want to laugh. I want to rip on others (I know, I’m a bitch, but come on, that can be loads of fun. Or I am truly just a bitch). I want a hug when I need it… and when I don’t.

But the sad truth is… I’m pretty sure I’ve already driven friends away with my messed up head. And I really do understand. I blame no one… except me. I’m going through a bit of hell right now. But I’m still me. And the rest of me… the non-fucked-up part… is still pretty fucking cool. I wish the fucked-up part didn’t cancel that out.

The ironic truth is… I have been trying to look on the bright side! Trying to look for the positive. Trying not to let it all get to me. Fake it until it feels real. [Ugh… so many clichés… ugh… gross.]

However, the truth is… that doesn’t work. Mostly, it feels worse. And it feels wrong… because a lot of the time (not all the time), it’s a lie. And I think people see through it… probably contributing to the loss of friends. Which sucks.

Talking about my loneliness makes people run from me… which breeds more loneliness. What’s a girl to do?

Hide.

But… the truth is… I’ve had a panic attack on 4 of the last 7 days.

How am I doing? Should I start my acting career? Did anyone know?

I hope I’m doing I good job because I’ve been torturing myself trying to hide all of it. From everyone.

Of course, if I was doing a good job, I’m not anymore…

 

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About what sandra thinks

Sandra is a writer, blogger, poet, artist, emotional disaster. She thinks far too much and sleeps far too little. Sandra lives in the Northeastern U.S. but dreams of an oceanfront home in Hawaii where she could learn to surf. She loves music, brutal honesty, coffee, and the color black. She hates insincerity, beer, whipped cream, and facebook. And she is uncomfortable talking about herself in the third person.
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99 Responses to the truth is…

  1. Listen to a song called Pain Told Love by Tribe Society. Listen to the words. It’s better to build your world with someone in it, than to cut everyone out. And I know exactly what you mean about acting. I’m very good at fooling people when it comes to showing how I’m feeling.

    Liked by 1 person

    • I will look for the song. I am struggling to feel that someone is in my world… or wants to be… because the obvious person isn’t really “with me”, I guess you could say. Sometimes I am acting for me… because I don’t want to deal. But mostly it’s for everyone else… so they don’t have to deal with me… or so they won’t run away.

      Liked by 1 person

      • I definitely understand. At least you have us. 💕

        Liked by 2 people

      • Kay says:

        I’m glad you aren’t hiding it. I think being heard and appreciated (and feeling understood, ideally) is what we all crave. And there’s no substitute for a live person sitting next to you! It’s just different….I do very much understand. I hope it’s not cliche, but here’s a hug from someone who cares and appreciates all the parts. 💜

        Liked by 1 person

        • Thank you so much for being a friend. I’m so tired of feeling (being?) alone… I worry I’ll drive away everyone here if I don’t hide. I’m not sure I’ll ever get over that worry. Especially since it’s really happened. Thanks again for being so sweet and supportive.

          (Your comment was in my spam folder! Stupid WP!)

          Liked by 1 person

          • Kay says:

            It’s happened to me too. There are so many variables, it’s difficult to know why. I say just be yourself. The ones who leave were meant to. (Another cliche?? Maybe. But it’s true.)

            Thanks for finding my comment. 💜

            Thanks for finding it!

            Liked by 1 person

            • It’s okay… and I know it’s true that if people run away, I guess they aren’t real friends. But it makes me feel terrible anyway. And I blame myself.

              Liked by 1 person

              • Kay says:

                You’re hard on yourself, Sandra. And yes, I do realize you probably wanted to kick me in the teeth when you read that, because people say the same thing to me and I feel the same way! Lol. But again, it is true. Or it seems to be, I should say. Finding compassion for oneself is maybe the most difficult of hurdles and it happens slowly, because the introspection is messy and it hurts. But it’s necessary, I really believe that.

                Liked by 1 person

                • Yeah, I hate myself. I never used to even admit that, but it’s true. Not admitting it didn’t change anything. It doesn’t mean that I don’t think I have some good qualities or talents or whatever. I just generally do not like myself… maybe that’s why I assume no one else will either!

                  Liked by 1 person

                  • Kay says:

                    Shame is so toxic, I mean, it was/is for me. I am no therapist, nor am I an expert in anything. Just a gal whose had/has a shit ton of work to do to begin to like myself, too.

                    I think it’s brave to admit it. Then comes the why…and that’s the toughest part. Have you ever listened to Brené Brown?

                    Liked by 1 person

                    • No… I’ve never listened to, well, anyone. I don’t think anything works for me. Telling myself things that are good about me, all the usual suggestions to learn to love yourself and have confidence… nothing works for that. God, when I hear someone give a big speech about how they overcame… whatever… I feel so jealous and upset because I know I’ll never get there. So I’m like…”Okay, good for you. But I’m not you and that stuff doesn’t work for me…” I know, totally negative. But nothing I’ve tried my entire life has fixed anything. I get to where I think I just have to accept that this is the best my life will ever be, no matter how much it sucks.

                      Liked by 1 person

                    • Kay says:

                      I don’t know. This shit is hard. You have to fail a lot to find what works. Sometimes it’s not a path someone has shared or anything anyone else has done or suggested. It’s just a feeling, a few words that click, anything that sparks something that makes you change perspective and see something differently, or more clearly, or uncover something that smacks you in the face. Maybe not.

                      I’m just hopeful. Not the ‘sunshine and rainbows’ type, it’s just always been there beneath all the shit. It’s the one thing I can count on. Sometimes it’s all I had.

                      I’m happy to share her stuff if you care to listen. If not, you won’t be hurting my feelings.

                      Liked by 1 person

                    • What I have that sometimes seems the only thing I have… is humor. I can usually make jokes about pretty much anything. I may have had hope once… but I haven’t for a long time now. Without a time machine, I don’t think I can get it back. Oh, and I googled her. I will check it out when the kids are otherwise occupied…

                      Liked by 1 person

                    • Kay says:

                      Yeah! Can’t lose the humor! I’m glad you have that. You may hate her but it’s worth a try, I suppose. I love her.

                      Have a great day, Sandra. 💜

                      Liked by 1 person

                    • Thank you Kay. And I’m sorry for being such a bother going on and on today. 😦 ♥

                      Liked by 1 person

                    • Kay says:

                      Omg you’re not a bother! Lol. I could say the same! You’re welcome. 💜

                      Liked by 1 person

                    • I think it is the #1 reason I go into hiding so often. I’ve always had people in my life who wanted to be with me when I was good… fun… etc. But when I wasn’t, they didn’t care to have me around. They might be there for me and listen here and there (like, not days in a row… here and there…) but soon enough… they’d tell me they didn’t want to “deal with me” anymore and if I wanted to have fun, come hang out… if not, don’t bother.

                      Liked by 1 person

                    • Kay says:

                      Well that’s just shitty.

                      Liked by 1 person

                    • I know… it’s like the bad parts cancel out the good… which leaves, well, nothing!

                      Liked by 1 person

                  • Kay says:

                    And that makes perfect sense, that that would be the reason you assume others will.

                    Liked by 1 person

                    • Yes.. and why I have a hard time believing them when they tell me I’m wrong… I can’t figure out what anyone would like about me. Maybe that I’m funny. Maybe that I have nice hair. But I just assume that’s not enough.

                      Liked by 1 person

  2. I feel like this sometimes and am very happy to have my blog to have the support of those people who read and connect with me. Hugs to you my friend!

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Tony Burgess says:

    There are times when I feel the way you do bit I press on knowing that somehow, someway my words might help someone. Being a blogger who wears ones heart on his sleeve means putting yourself out there for all to see. Hang in there my blogging friend.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Lara says:

    I don’t know what to say, but I’m here 💖

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Haylee says:

    I often feel exactly the same but choose not to share it for fear of what others will think. So you’re much braver – it’s better not to bottle thing up. But whilst I love the interaction from blogging and it helps a lot when I feel down, it’s not as immediate or sustained as a proper conversation. It may not be something you’d feel happy doing if you want to hide, but is there anyone you could Skype/ FaceTime for instance? I just thought that it’s less pressure than having to go out to see people but more personal than a text / phone call. Just remember there’ll always be someone, somewhere who is happy to listen, so try not to suffer alone. Virtual hugs 😊

    Liked by 1 person

    • I don’t feel brave! I feel pathetic. I’m in constant fear of what others think of me. But offline, I have no one… my life is a bit of a mess… So it comes out here sometimes whether I want it to or not. The interaction here helps me feel less alone at times but even that…sometimes it slows down and I know people have their lives to live but I start to assume they just don’t like me anymore. I’ve never used Skype or anything like that. It’s something to think about. I think the worst is when I feel like there is no one who wants to hear it when I need to talk. So I don’t… but it builds up. Thank you so much for being so nice to me. ♥

      Liked by 1 person

      • Haylee says:

        You don’t have to thank me but you’re welcome. I think over summer, the blogging community seems to have slowed down anyway but it’s sods laws that it would seem to happen when you need someone more.
        As for Skype, I used to use it and it’s very simple. But failing that how about an old school chatroom? I know it’s not the same as having someone in the room with you but at least with online, timezones don’t apply and there’s always someone awake. Don’t think people won’t want to listen – drop me a message on Twitter or whatever if you ever need to chat.

        Liked by 1 person

        • Your so sweet. I’ve chatted occasionally with friends from here on twitter. But I feel like I’m bothering them if it’s more than, like, a couple of times. I think I’m just too needy right now because of my current circumstances… not all of which I’ve shared for the same reasons mentioned on this post. I don’t want to abuse my friendship with anyone so I just hide… And, of course, eventually, like right now, it catches up to me and I break.

          Liked by 1 person

          • Haylee says:

            I think if you lay it out, as you have, people would hopefully realise you needed something more than a few words. But that’s maybe why it’s sometimes easier to talk to a stranger. Us blogging lot will all look out for you!

            Liked by 1 person

  6. I think we all hide, to a degree. I get it. I also get not feeling very comfortable talking about fuckedupedness (?). But, I still say this is a safe place. I’m certain you’ll find peeps who get it too, here at least. I wish for you to find that safe place at home, but until then, let us be your safe place. I’ll bet I’m not alone in saying you’re welcome here, fuckeupedness and all. 😊

    Liked by 3 people

    • I think I’m just so afraid of being abandoned completely that I do one of two things… I pretend everything is great… or I don’t interact at all. No one wants a friend like me… That’s how my brain works, anyway. So even when wonderful people like you tell me I can say anything here, I think I’ll drive people away so I feel like I can’t. Maybe I think people here know I’m fucked up but if they find out just how much, they’ll run. And I don’t blame them…

      Liked by 1 person

      • I doubt you’ll run anyone off here, at least. And if so, they weren’t really worth having around anyway. If you do this in your “real life”, hide or pretend, then it’s even more vital to do it here. There has to be an outlet, or you’ll explode. It’s like at Yellowstone, those geysers allow for pressure to escape, lest the whole thing blow sky high. Let us be your geyser. 😃

        Liked by 1 person

        • I do feel explosive at times. It’s true… after a while I just want to scream. Or throw things.

          Liked by 1 person

          • I hear ya! This is a good place to that too, I’ve found. Seems like, here at least, that the more you need the more you’ll get. Like I said, this is a safe place. 😊

            Liked by 1 person

            • I don’t know. Maybe people just don’t like me… because I feel like the more I let this stuff out… the fewer people who talk to me. But that is probably my imagination since I’m such a mess!

              Liked by 1 person

              • Oh man, I’m guessing some of this is in your head. If some don’t want to talk when the shit’s hitting the fan, then they likely weren’t really a friend anyway. I can only speak for me, of course, but I say vent away. This is your site, you should feel free to write or yell or say “Fuck!!!” a 100 times or whatever you find that helps YOU. Forget trying to appease people. Most people suck. But, I’ll be around. You need to vent, go on wit your bad self! I’ll listen. Hell, venting and bitching and ranting is how I got into this in the first place. I got your back on that. 😃

                Liked by 1 person

  7. Wendy says:

    Hiding is exhausting. Let it out and let yourself heal. I hope that you find the right environment that will let you shed the anxiety and start feeling better.

    Liked by 1 person

  8. Hugs Sandra. You are not alone Lovely. Not at all. Whether 1 person or 40 reads a rant or a post filled with sadness it doesn’t matter. What matters is that you got it out of yourself. Purging is good. And everyone has those days. Some of us have more than others but it is an ebb and flow. Any friend (whether physical or virtual) worth it won’t run when things are all not happy and sunny. We’ve got your back. Smiles.

    Liked by 1 person

    • I think I’m afraid the happy and sunny moments are too few and no one wants to “hear” my crap all the time. I mean, who would? I don’t even want to hear it and I’m living it. But the other part is that if I share my hell and nearly everyone has run away, I’ll feel just as alone here as I am offline. I really don’t need to make things worse! Thank you so much for being so supportive. It means a lot to me. ♥

      Liked by 1 person

  9. Meg Sorick says:

    I don’t know what I can add to what’s already been said. Blogging positively all the time doesn’t feel authentic anyway. I mean really who the hell is happy all time time, right? It sounds like bullshit when people are constantly upbeat and encouraging. That’s not to say all I want to read is sadness and morbidity, either. Just be you. You’re funny and romantic and all that other good stuff. So don’t be afraid to let the dark genie out of the bottle once in a while. The friends you have here will help you knock her out.

    Liked by 2 people

  10. Kay says:

    I commented earlier this morning while I had my first cup of coffee, but it didn’t post….anyway, I agree with Meg! 💜

    Liked by 1 person

  11. I’m sure the summer moving along is escalating your panic. Just breathe, keep on, write what you need to, it’s all good. I’ll always read!

    Liked by 1 person

  12. mandibelle16 says:

    Dear, Sandra, I wish I could give you concrete answers and make all your problems go away. But like you not being able to control panic attacks or a need to vent, I don’t have such powers. I’m trying to think of someway to help you and make you feel better. I hardly ever say this because I’m suspicious of therapists and psychologists myself, from my own mental health experiences, but I really do think if you need someone to talk to, who can give you an outside view and help you vent your feelings, you might consider a therapist or a psychologist. Find a good one. Do your research, see what your benefits cover. Even if you can afford to see one once a month, I think that would help, knowing you have that person. My other idea is a psychiatric nurse. I had one for a long time and she helped me very much, talking about what I was going through.

    Our experiences are each different but I encourage you to write. If it helps you do it. Don’t worry about other people. You need to focus on helping you. If you feel to “watched” or worry to much what people “think” on WP, write on a note taking application or get yourself a Nice journal from Papyrus or somewhere, a nice writing pen too. In general, I have found the WP community extremely forgiving and accepting. Many people you probably blog with, are going through things too. You may not realize it but u venting helps others too,

    I don’t know if you like this. But when I’m overwhelmed and I need a day out I go on groupon and I go to spa. I get my nails done, or my hair, even if it’s only a trim and a conditioning mask. Or maybe a massage would really help? Whatever you like. I have seen, there are spas out there, were you can bring kids if that’s an issue, or maybe Grandma can take them for an afternoon. De stressing at the spa helps, you can talk to a stranger, especially if it’s just a groupon, it may not be a place you regularly go, but it helps to be out and to see your lovely styled hair or cute pink nails after.

    Best of luck. Email if you need: mandi_ae@hotmail.com. Hugs, I’m praying for you too. God is always the light in the darkness, whatever you believe. 🙏🏻💕

    Liked by 1 person

  13. Miriam says:

    Hi Sandra, I don’t think there’s much I can say that’s already been said in the comments. Just know you’ll always have my support and friendship and that I think you’re pretty awesome. Take care of yourself.

    Liked by 1 person

  14. magarisa says:

    I echo what Miriam wrote. 🙂 Write whatever you want…I’ll still read it! I’m pretty fucked up myself, and I hide even more than you do (do you ever see me writing about myself on my blog?).

    Liked by 1 person

  15. Weird thing for me is I do feel better AFTER I write, but DURING and BEFORE are sometimes freaking torture if it’s a difficult subject.

    It’s like draining an emotional boil. (Now THERE’S a visual for you. lol)

    Liked by 1 person

  16. nikfosho says:

    I want to hear your crap! Love your honesty. Life is a struggle, it’s good to hear someone being real about that instead of wearing a mask. Very refreshing Sandra!!

    Liked by 1 person

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