I originally titled this post “something is wrong with me” but that’s so damn obvious I thought better of it.

However, I do think I am messed up because I had an MRI yesterday, and I now want to have one every day.

If you’ve known me for a long time, you know that I have invisible back pain. Yes, I made that name up. What I mean by that is I have horrible back pain, but you’d never know if I didn’t tell you. I look like I’m fine. I do everything I need to do and most of what I want to do. I’m just in pain the whole time. This pain was the reason for my MRI. (I had one about four years ago, but as the pain persists, doc is looking to see what has changed.)

My first MRI four years ago was in the regular machine. Yesterday’s was in a bigger one with music and a slideshow. The difference was like night and day. The first time in the regular machine I was anxious as hell. I felt like I’d been buried alive. I was so freaked out. It was horrible. (I have never been claustrophobic, but maybe I am?)

But yesterday my MRI was one of the most relaxing experiences I’ve had in years.

I lay there motionless for about a half hour all nestled into my “bed” so I couldn’t move. Literally, nestled into place with cushiony things coming up the sides to keep my arms in place and a big bolster under my knees so my back was comfortable. I had earplugs because of the machine noise and headphones for the music. Once I was inside the [bigger] tube, I heard the music and saw a lovely slideshow with pictures of paradise. Sure, when the scans happened, it was loud as fuck and I couldn’t hear the music, but it didn’t matter. The loud sounds quickly turned into white noise. I almost fell asleep.

It was the most relaxed I’ve felt in so long. It was the kind of relaxed feeling I used to get during a massage. Haven’t had one of those in years. Too pricey. And then covid. And now still covid and still pricey.

I like when someone is taking care of me. In this case, three someones. Yeah, there were two dudes who got me all nestled into place before the scan and a third one helping me de-nestle after it was over. He even walked me to the changing room so I wouldn’t fall over in my relaxed and slightly dizzy state. That last guy was really tall and handsome.

And then I came home. Sigh.

The fact that I like being taken care of isn’t the revelation. I already knew that about me.

I like when someone is sweet to me and wants to make sure I’m comfortable and happy. I do not have a person like that in my life. It would be ideal to have someone, but failing that, I wish I could afford to buy someone. (Not literally. Just be able to afford regular massages and spa days and things like that. Probably not MRIs though.)

Here’s the revelation part.

I need to meditate.

Yeah, I know. People have been telling me to do that for a long time. I just never felt capable of it. I’m still not sure I am. But yesterday’s MRI made me feel what I imagine meditation could make me feel.

I don’t know how to replicate that relaxed feeling I had in the machine. Sure, I can lie on my bed and surround myself with pillows and blankets, but I don’t think I can accomplish the same snug, nestled feeling that made me feel so peaceful and cared for and even… loved. Oh god, this is a weird thing where I want to be swaddled up like a baby, isn’t it? Something really is wrong with me.

Moving on quickly from that creepy revelation… Where was I? Oh yes.

I need to meditate.

I wonder if I can get myself to actually try. I think the biggest obstacle is location. I really believe that the only reason I was able to stop my usual chaotic thoughts was because I was somewhere else, literally and in my mind. I was focused on the MRI, the screen, the sounds. For that too-short time, every other thought took a break. I don’t know if I can make that happen at home.

I think it also mattered that this was in the evening, around 6pm. I never feel anything close to relaxed earlier in the day—even first thing in the morning. I don’t wake up relaxed. I wake up anxious. Hm. That’s another revelation. I never really thought about it, but yes, I wake up anxious.

So in addition to location being an issue, timing is also an issue. At 6pm, everyone is home. I need an outbuilding with power and heat and a small bed with lots of pillows, cozy blankets, and a plush furry rug.

And one or both of these gentlemen.

    
Ahh… they would have made a nice relaxation slideshow. Or a nice relaxation reality. They can take care of me anytime. Now is good with me.

p.s. — I guess I could try hanging one of those do not disturb signs on my bedroom door like at a hotel. Yeah, that’ll work. (Sarcasm.) 

         
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