They will never truly understand me. They will never take me seriously. They will forever think I’m just looking for attention or blowing things out of proportion or that I’m dramatic or lazy or weak or all of the above.
And there is nothing I can do to change that.
This is why people like me suffer in silence. It’s why I sometimes don’t bother talking at all.
What’s the point when no one is going to understand?
What’s the point when they’re just going to tell me to snap out of it or to just do something about it?
What’s the point when they’re just going to tell me I must not want it bad enough.
What’s the point when they don’t know how to deal with me so rather than ask what I need, they just ignore me?
Fuck off.
They don’t understand.
They have no idea how frustrating it is to want something desperately but be incapable of doing a fucking thing about it—not to try and fail, but to not even *be able* to try.
I’m not just lazy and I do want it bad enough.
Fuck off.
They have no idea how painful it is to watch how easy things are for others when even the simplest things are akin to moving mountains for me.
They have no idea how it feels to be right there yet not even be acknowledged.
They have no idea how lonely it is when you’re someone like me. How lonely it is in my head. It’s so god damn crowded in there, but so fucking lonely. Even when they’re all around me, I’m lonely as fuck.
They have no idea.
Fuck off.
When I say I can’t do something, that means I literally cannot do it. It doesn’t mean I choose not to. It means it’s not a choice for me at all. It just is.
They dismiss me, act like they don’t think my issues are real. They push me aside as though I’m just not worth it. They’re probably right.
I’m not like them. I’m not normal.
I fucking know I’m not normal.
Fuck off.
This… all of this… is why I’m always on the sidelines, never truly involved in what’s going on. I’m separate from them. I don’t fit in.
When I try to talk to them about it, they ignore me. I know they don’t intend to be cruel. I know they just don’t know how to deal with me. But that doesn’t make it hurt any less.
They don’t understand.
They never will.
It’s why I keep it to myself most of the time [and when I don’t keep it to myself, I regret not keeping it to myself]. It’s why I don’t feel a part of anything. It’s why I’m on my own. Always alone. Always lonely.
So fucking lonely.
p.s. — I need you, Mr. Sexy Arms [face, beard, eyes] Beach Guy. But you won’t understand me either. It’s okay. I love you anyway.
[And Mr. Sexy Arms [face, beard, eyes] Beach Guy needs a new name. The current one is too long. And I’m not just going to call him Mike even if that is his real name. I guess I’ll think on this. I could call him Mr. Fuck Me since that’s what I’m thinking every time I look at him. But maybe that’s too… um… blunt? shocking? Hmm.]
©2021 what sandra thinks
what sandra thinks 
I’m sorry but sometimes it’s best just letting go. We Understand You.
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Easier said than done. Especially when letting go means guaranteed loneliness.
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Awww Sandra I’m sorry you are feeling this way *hugs* I’m here for you! Xoxo
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Thanks. ♥
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💛
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There are some of us out here who will support you always, in whatever way we possibly can. It may sound trite, it may not have much of an effect, and you may think “here they go again!” but we are here, and we do love you, and we do care. We’ll look forward to seeing your posts, whatever they are. We’ll send you virtual hugs, and kisses, and best wishes, even if you tell us to Fuck off. It’s good to see you even when you are venting your frustration. It means you are not suffering in silence, because you are sharing it with us. Hugs to you, as always Sandra. 😻
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Thank you. I know no one has any solutions. I know I’m supposed to be able to come up with them on my own. I know all the advice I’ve been given, both professionally and otherwise, but I am fucked up enough that I can’t even put any of that into practice. Sometimes I wonder if there is some deeply subconscious part of me that doesn’t want to get better? I don’t know, but that doesn’t feel like it’s true, but why else would have so much trouble trying to do the seemingly simple steps to feeling better?
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“Sometimes I wonder if there is some deeply subconscious part of me that doesn’t want to get better?” – There might be more truth to that than you think – ? I have been asking myself “what are you getting out of this” – I don’t have an answer yet, but I’m asking myself the question. Gotta be something, right?
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Is it like… feeling this way is “my thing” and without it, I’m not ‘me’ anymore? Like, coffee is my thing… Coldplay is my thing… etc. Is depression ‘my thing’, too? I believe I have an illness, but it does feel like something is holding me back from taking some of the steps I should be taking. It feels like I just cannot find the motivation no matter what I try, but is that the same thing? My subconscious stopping me??
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This sounds very familiar to me…I literally just went through similar internal dialogue today. Hugs.
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I understand. ❤
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This resonates so much. So many people just don’t get it. *hugs*
I like Mr. Fuck me. Maybe it’s blunt, but it’s accurate. 😉
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Agreed. Totally accurate.
I’m both relieved that you get it and sad that you get it because it means you… get it… and I don’t want anyone to feel this.
I just wish that I felt like people ‘believed’ that I really have an illness… that I’m not just being difficult or whatever other crap they think is going on. Do they think I want to feel like this?? Hell no! Who would? I may be suffering but I’m not actually insane. I think.
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Absolutely! I mentioned to my boyfriend today that my feet hurt, and he said, “Why?” And I replied, “They pretty much always hurt. It’s just the way it is.” I’ve had multiple surgeries, countless therapy sessions, I elevate and ice every chance I get, I buy expensive supportive shoes… It’s just the way it is. I can function now, but they still hurt. But what’s the point in complaining all the time? It’s all. the. time. So I just deal with it. But yeah, a big part of it is that I don’t want people to think I’m doing it for attention or whatever. Invisible illness and chronic pain are the worst. *hugs*
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It sucks to feel like that. I remember as a teen being depressed and my parents telling me the same thing–snap out of it, chin up, you have nothing to be sad about. Those kinds of messages are the worst and don’t help at all. Hugs.
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Oh… ‘chin up’… that was one of my mom’s phrases when I was younger. It is beyond frustrating.
I feel very weak and exhausted with all of this. I, too, was depressed as a teen, but it never really got significantly better, and over the last several years, it’s gotten significantly worse. I honestly have no idea what to do anymore.
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Oh my god, I have the same issue with chronic pain, but with back pain. I have “a little scoliosis”, which has probably gotten worse since my MRI about three and a half years ago. I went through all sorts of treatments, therapy, injections… but nothing changed… And now it’s so much worse. I’m dying by the time I’ve finished making dinner! I have no idea what to do. I’m thinking of trying another physical therapist because the last one I had didn’t really do anything except show me some stretches. Anyway, yeah, being in pain all the time makes everything worse! ❤
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I can relate to this so much. Especially keeping silent. Your mind not being there. I’m fortunate that I don’t have people telling me to snap out of it, it’s just straight up “you suck and you’re a failure” which I can appreciate in a weird way, lol. What makes me feel better is writing and knowing it’s okay to be in my world. Understanding your own triggers and managing them and most importantly, we have to not listen to other people because at the end of the day, only you know what’s going on with you. Let people talk, they always will, but we sure as hell don’t have to listen! ❤
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I often find it hard *not* to listen to people because I’m so lonely. I’m so desperate for a connection to someone that I let them make me feel like crap… because that beats being alone. But does it? Not really. If it’s not the right connection, it’s not better. It’s worse. For a smart girl, I’m an idiot sometimes.
Writing helped me more when I was able to write fiction and even poetry. But that part of my brain seems to have died. I have no problem writing about my feelings, though. I just probably shouldn’t always share that stuff. But then I feel alone with it.
My head is running in circles!
I’m happy to see you here. ❤
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You’re not an idiot, it’s perfectly normal to listen to those around you. The thing is that we can feel alone even in a crowd of people. And sometimes, it won’t be the right connection, and sometimes, maybe there’s a little golden nugget in what people say. We’ll always want to talk to people, we just need to filter out the crappy parts. Easier said than done as always!
Write about Mr. Sexy Arms! Write for yourself and don’t show it to anyone, maybe? Do you write with the expectation that you’ll share it? I find that doesn’t help me write at all. I wrote a huge chunk of a novel and I shared the first chapter with a few people. That was the last time I did consistent work on it. So, I get what you mean. It’s like a weird mental block and nothing gets past it. I’ve gone back to writing fanfiction lol. I won’t make money from it, but…It’s fun!
If sharing your feelings makes you feel less alone – share away! Don’t worry about whether you should or shouldn’t, just do what feel right.
Happy to be here! I post sporadically these days, but I’m usually lurking around. 😁
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I don’t necessarily think about sharing my work when I write. But lately, I seem to have a problem with it anyway. I have ideas and notes all over the place. I have short little scenes. I have a lot in my head. I just can’t seem to get it together.
I do tend to share my deep, dark thoughts here… probably more than I even want to, but there’s that whole lonely craving for a connection thing so I do it anyway. Sometimes followed by major regret. What’s even worse is that there is some serious stuff happening in my life that I don’t even want to write/talk about because somehow, doing that makes it more real. I’d rather live in denial. Of course, I can’t, and I don’t, but I try to.
I’m certainly not posting often, at least not since April a-to-z ended. I hoped that would get me back here posting more often, but that hasn’t happened. I was even shooting for once a week — not too much — but I haven’t even been able to do that!
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