happiness.

happiness. [1]

I want it so much it hurts.

It’s not something I can create.

Everyone doesn’t get to have it.

It’s there or it’s not there.

For me… it’s not.

happiness. [2]

It’s out of my reach.

Sometimes I get a shred of it… then it’s taken away.

The world is out of balance if I feel good.

Course correction brings it back to bad.

I fight but I fail.

I’m too tired and disheartened to bother anymore.

©2018 what sandra thinks

         

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About what sandra thinks

Sandra is a writer, blogger, poet, artist, emotional disaster. She thinks far too much and sleeps far too little. Sandra lives in the Northeastern U.S. but dreams of an oceanfront home in Hawaii where she could learn to surf. She loves books, brutal honesty, coffee, and the color black. She hates insincerity, beer, whipped cream, and facebook. And she is uncomfortable talking about herself in the third person.
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35 Responses to happiness.

  1. Whenever I hear people say happiness is something you create, I just think, “Wow…you really don’t get it. You probably won’t ever get it.”
    This resonates so much with me. Beautiful words. Love the way you write. ❤

    Liked by 2 people

    • Thank you so much. ♥ I have never understood when people say “create your own happiness” either. How, exactly, would someone do that? People who say that are already happy. They don’t have to create anything. So they don’t get it.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. I wish WordPress had an “I understand” button not just a like button. I’m sorry you are feeling this way!

    Liked by 1 person

  3. That is just so spot on! You fully captured the feeling of futility.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Meg says:

    I agree on the ‘create your own happiness’ stuff – there’s only so much you can do and the rest is a crap shoot. I wish for you that one day the ‘balance’ will be when the pendulum has swung to one of your days when you feel good. ❤️

    Liked by 1 person

    • I don’t think I’m going to have any more good days. It is killing me. I honestly don’t know how to bother doing much of anything anymore. Everything goes wrong. I do the right things… as much as I can, and nothing improves… nothing works out. People tell me to keep fighting, but what’s the point? I keep getting the same results. I’m tired of spending every day wondering why I’m even here. For the kids… my mom… for other people. That’s it.

      Liked by 1 person

  5. Ogden Fahey says:

    Have you tried singing wartime marching songs? Pack up your troubles is a good one, I see it was sung by both Brits and Germans in WW1 – isn’t that marvellous? 😉

    Liked by 1 person

    • I do not know how to respond to this comment. 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

      • Ogden Fahey says:

        Well it was what sprung to mind! Do you know the song? Its pretty stupid, but I find my mind replies to negative with positive, this is of course an extreme example, and may seem out of place, its always been pretty typical for people to respond that way, ie suggest “why not” this or that? cheer up etc?

        Perhaps it’ll turn out to be a phase thats just going to go on and on, like for ages, and then finally things will change? I have seen that happen, I’m in my 50s now, so I seen quite a bit. Not everyone who is down stays down forever – I know its hard to see the light of it, but its gotta be there somewhere surely things have to improve sooner or later, bit by bit, or even suddenly and massively, you never know whats around the corner – hopefully something good! Xx

        Liked by 1 person

        • I don’t know the song… but I understand where you’re coming from.

          I don’t know if this is a phase but it’s been going on for a ridiculously long time. I don’t know that any change for the better will ever come. I don’t see the light. Not anymore. That worries me. I used to think “this can’t last forever… something has to get better” but I don’t believe that anymore. I don’t know how to get that hope back. It feels impossible… 😦

          But thank you for what you said… it means something to me that anyone thinks I won’t feel this way forever…

          Liked by 1 person

  6. Lots and lots of hugs
    Mona

    Liked by 1 person

  7. like i want him but i can’t have him

    Like

  8. Pingback: reverse schadenfreude. | what sandra thinks

  9. I wish with all that I have you could be happy. I really do. 💜

    Liked by 1 person

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