in the red.

Now that A to Z is over, I feel like I have nothing left. Nothing inside me. Nothing to say. Nothing to write. I feel goalless… aimless… pointless. And I hate it… not only because I don’t know what to do with myself when I sit here staring at my laptop, but also because I think it’s making me think too much about everything that’s going wrong in my life.

And I do mean ‘going wrong‘ in the present tense because over the past two days, things have gotten worse. I know… I didn’t think it was possible either.

I’m going to need to sell my soul because I need the money to fix my car. And for fifty million other things that have been piling up. But wait… no one wants my soul. It’s black and shriveled up like a raisin. Soon it will be completely dried up and will turn to dust. Poof.

Besides, I’ve begun to think that I am already in hell. I am actually a dead person and this is my hell. If I start hearing country music randomly or people don’t know what I’m talking about when I mention cheesecake or Chris Hemsworth, I’ll know I’m right. I have been feeling pretty warm. Must be the burning flames of The Underworld.

Until I’m actually fried to an appropriate level of crispiness, though, I need something in my life (or afterlife) that isn’t torture. Because all I have right now are torturous things. I guess that defines hell, though, right?

Fuck. I am screwed!

 


©2018 what sandra thinks

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About what sandra thinks

Sandra is a writer, blogger, poet, artist, emotional disaster. She thinks far too much and sleeps far too little. Sandra lives in the Northeastern U.S. but dreams of an oceanfront home in Hawaii where she could learn to surf. She loves books, brutal honesty, coffee, and the color black. She hates insincerity, beer, whipped cream, and facebook. And she is uncomfortable talking about herself in the third person.
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43 Responses to in the red.

  1. I’m feeling that too. There’ve been little cracks of light, but still. But I go on. Deluded that something good is waiting for me. Tired as I am. I go on.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Marquessa says:

    I refuse to “like” this post but I hate that you are feeling so awful.😭 And I won’t throw you my rose colored glasses because mine are a bit cloudy. Maybe instead of a long weekend in Vermont I should visit your neck of the woods…I’ll DM you more now A to Z is over. A distraction could be jumping right back to your edits of Ethan. Rewrite the parts you want under less pressure and design a beautiful cover with the artsy talent you have…

    Liked by 1 person

    • I guess I could try doing some edits. I don’t know if I can do it, though. I keep getting stuck in those thoughts like… ‘What’s the point?’ Same with making a cover… what’s the point? To give myself something to do, I guess. But I mean ultimately… what’s the point? I could ask that about most of my life… what’s the point?

      And I’m feeling worse and worse because things keep going wrong… and I’m in a lot of pain. If this last injection ‘worked’, I should be starting to feel less pain by now… not more. I think it’s yet another failure… and I don’t know what happens now… other than being in so much pain that I can barely do anything without crying. I’m at about an 8 or a 9… 😦

      Like

  3. Cyranny says:

    I won’t “like” this either… Write to me if you feel like it, Sandra! I’m still up for a little bit. You are not empty, you just feel that way. I’ll be glad to talk whenever suits you… You never bother me, Gorgeous. xx *big hugs*

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you for ‘talking’ to me last night. Today the sun is out (literally) unlike last night when it was really dark (literally). I still feel terrible. I can’t get some of those things out of my head… those things that take over everything else and kill any speck of joy that might show up. I wish I could just feel good… even if it’s just for a little while. I can ask for more later. I just need something good. Thanks again. ♥

      Liked by 1 person

  4. Miriam says:

    I’ll third that Sandra. I couldn’t hit the “like” button and I know you’re probably tired of my Pollyanna attitude but I’m here for you too. Regardless of what you think, you’re not empty and I’m always here, just like in the old days, remember? Sending big hugs. xx

    Liked by 1 person

  5. AlienFromHell says:

    Welcome to the club♥

    Liked by 1 person

  6. What’s up with your car? 😕

    Liked by 1 person

    • The exhaust… and I’m going to need new tires. It’s going to be at least $1500. Maybe that’s not a lot to some people but we are in some dire circumstances right now. And then also my son needs braces… and our stove is dying… and more stuff.

      Liked by 1 person

      • Cars suck. Period. We’ve got one that’s gonna need braces too. Not looking forward to that. And $1500 is most certainly a lot of money, for most everybody. Is your mom able to help at all? His parents?

        Liked by 1 person

        • I don’t know if anyone can help. I’m afraid to ask. I don’t know that my mom would be able to spare it. My husband’s dad already helps us kind of a lot so I hate asking for anything more…

          Liked by 1 person

          • I hate asking for help too. Despise it with all my being. But, when shit hits fan, swallowing pride is necessary sometimes. I’ve seen people here do GoFundMe pages. Have you thought about that?

            Liked by 2 people

            • That just seems pathetic. Who on earth is going to help some loser like me who doesn’t even have a job. Makes it look like I’m not even trying. Also… what the hell kind of picture am I going to put up there to try to get people to donate? Not one of my car or my son’s teeth! And then what? Post about it here… basically begging? I know I’m desperate but I don’t think I can handle feeling like that much of a failure/loser/take your pick…

              Liked by 1 person

  7. Meg says:

    Ack, I automatically hit ‘like’ but you know I don’t really like this. Anyway, I think Marquessa has a good idea: take some time to do some editing on ‘Diary’ or another older project. Sometimes rereading things will stimulate some new ideas, too. And yeah, what’s going on with the car?

    Liked by 2 people

    • I do like to reread and edit older things. I was just saying, though, to Marquessa, that I keep thinking ‘what’s the point?’ I don’t have an end goal… or ambition… or anything. I guess it might just give me something to do… but I have no motivation to do anything. It’s really bad. 😦

      Car… it’s the exhaust… and I’m going to need new tires. I’m sure it’s not a big deal to some people but any financial hit is huge for us right now and this will be at least $1500…

      Like

  8. jrvincente says:

    It’s always hard when something you spend a lot of time preparing for comes to an end.

    You should start a new story! Maybe not daily, but weekly or 2 posts a week!

    Liked by 1 person

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