Chemistry was awkward this morning. For me. It was the first time I’d seen Ethan since the Dylan ‘incident’. But it wasn’t just that. It was Hannah and the party and… just… all of it.
I knew I wasn’t myself and Ethan could tell. Of course, I couldn’t say anything. How the hell could I possibly explain that I was afraid I was losing him when I never had him in the first place? I’m too invested in a relationship that probably only exists in my head.
I know… I really need to stop assuming things. Maybe he is invested. I mean… the infirmary… and the library… and the doodles. And today… when I know I was acting weird… he noticed. Next to the cute worried face he drew in his notebook, he expressed genuine concern. ‘You ok?’
I kind of lied when I gave him a half-assed smile and nodded. And I think he knew I wasn’t really okay.
He definitely cares. We’re friends. But I really don’t know if I’m capable of making the first move. But maybe it’s not the first move. Maybe he already did that… at the infirmary… or the library… or every time he draws cute little pictures in class.
I don’t know what to do. And that’s my problem—not knowing what to do—because I will end up doing nothing. Except watch Hannah throw herself at him at the party tomorrow night. But I shouldn’t let her keep me from going to the biggest party of the year. Besides… I’m sure Dylan will be there. And he’ll flirt with me because that’s what he does.
I should make sure Hannah sees me with him. He’s one conquest that’s always eluded her.
• • •
‘Dear Diary’ is fiction based on actual events.
Any similarities to your college life is purely coincidental.
Any similarities to mine is entirely intentional.
©2018 what sandra thinks