This is only the second time I’ve done this… Stream of Consciousness Saturday. No editing is allowed (painful for me… I usually proofread a post 20 times…) except for spelling errors…
This week, the prompt is ‘vol‘… a word with ‘vol‘ in it.
I think I’ve lost myself. No, scratch that. I’m not sure I ever found myself. I think I’ve spent my whole life trying to figure out who I am supposed to be… and I’ve spent none of my life just being. Just being me. Because I don’t know how to be me.
I don’t know who I am.
I know I talk about myself too much around here. You’ve got a deeper insight into my brain than anyone. (I’m sorry.) Is that sad? Maybe… maybe not. But I think we can all agree that it’s easier to spill ones guts to a screen than to someone’s face. I think there are very few people (like… one or two, tops) in this world with whom I’d feel comfortable enough to share what I share here.
But… despite all of my personal sharing, I don’t think the world revolves around me. How can it? I don’t even know who I am.
And I can’t believe I never realized this before. It’s so obvious!
Who the hell am I? Sandra. Yep. But who the hell is she? I don’t know.
When I was a kid, was that me? Maybe. Or maybe I was just doing what everyone else did… because that’s what I was supposed to do.
As I got older, I wanted to be one of the cool kids. Or at the very least, I wanted the other kids to like me. So I tried to be them. What I never saw, though, was that being cool didn’t mean becoming them. It meant being me… because I was already cool. Except I didn’t think so… because I didn’t know who I was.
Even simple insignificant things may or may not have really been ‘me‘…
Did I ever really love that song? Want those clothes? Think those thoughts? Or was I still trying to be someone else… someone they (he?) wanted me to be? [Let’s face it… from about age 13, it was always about a ‘he’… not a ‘them’.] I made the choices I thought would make them (him?) love me. I never thought they (he?) would want me if I broke away… if I didn’t do the cool thing… if I was myself. But how could I be myself? I didn’t know who I was.
I can’t help wondering what I would have done… how things would be now… if I truly thought about what I wanted… what was truly best for me… and what would make me me. I wonder how things would be if I wasn’t always trying to figure out what I’m supposed to be doing… thinking… being.
Maybe my world should revolve around me… maybe it always should have. But I think I have to know who I am first. How? I think whoever I am has been lost my whole life. I don’t know how to find me.
©2017 what sandra thinks