who I am. #socs

This is only the second time I’ve done this… Stream of Consciousness Saturday. No editing is allowed (painful for me… I usually proofread a post 20 times…) except for spelling errors…

This week, the prompt is ‘vol‘… a word with ‘vol‘ in it.

divider dots.

I think I’ve lost myself. No, scratch that. I’m not sure I ever found myself. I think I’ve spent my whole life trying to figure out who I am supposed to be… and I’ve spent none of my life just being. Just being me. Because I don’t know how to be me.

I don’t know who I am.

I know I talk about myself too much around here. You’ve got a deeper insight into my brain than anyone. (I’m sorry.) Is that sad? Maybe… maybe not. But I think we can all agree that it’s easier to spill ones guts to a screen than to someone’s face. I think there are very few people (like… one or two, tops) in this world with whom I’d feel comfortable enough to share what I share here.

But… despite all of my personal sharing, I don’t think the world revolves around me. How can it? I don’t even know who I am.

And I can’t believe I never realized this before. It’s so obvious!

Who the hell am I? Sandra. Yep. But who the hell is she? I don’t know.

When I was a kid, was that me? Maybe. Or maybe I was just doing  what everyone else did… because that’s what I was supposed to do.

As I got older, I wanted to be one of the cool kids. Or at the very least, I wanted the other kids to like me. So I tried to be them. What I never saw, though, was that being cool didn’t mean becoming them. It meant being me… because I was already cool. Except I didn’t think so… because I didn’t know who I was.

Even simple insignificant things may or may not have really been ‘me‘…

Did I ever really love that song? Want those clothes? Think those thoughts? Or was I still trying to be someone else… someone they (he?) wanted me to be? [Let’s face it… from about age 13, it was always about a ‘he’… not a ‘them’.] I made the choices I thought would make them (him?) love me. I never thought they (he?) would want me if I broke away… if I didn’t do the cool thing… if I was myself. But how could I be myself? I didn’t know who I was.

I can’t help wondering what I would have done… how things would be now… if I truly thought about what I wanted… what was truly best for me… and what would make me me. I wonder how things would be if I wasn’t always trying to figure out what I’m supposed to be doing… thinking… being.

Maybe my world should revolve around me… maybe it always should have. But I think I have to know who I am first. How? I think whoever I am has been lost my whole life. I don’t know how to find me.


©2017 what sandra thinks

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About what sandra thinks

Sandra is a writer, blogger, poet, artist, emotional disaster. She thinks far too much and sleeps far too little. Sandra lives in the Northeastern U.S. but dreams of an oceanfront home in Hawaii where she could learn to surf. She loves music, brutal honesty, coffee, and the color black. She hates insincerity, beer, whipped cream, and facebook. And she is uncomfortable talking about herself in the third person.
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37 Responses to who I am. #socs

  1. Who do you want to be?

    Liked by 1 person

    • Someone else. Dude, I don’t know. Obviously I never have. Oh my god please don’t tell me I can be anyone I want to be. That is just… no.

      Liked by 1 person

      • Nah. I’m in no mood for rainbows and butterflies. I don’t know, man. Surely you have some idea? Only you know that.

        Liked by 1 person

        • I really don’t. All the things I think of that I wish I was… they’re things that I can’t change in my past. I don’t know that I can be another version of me since my past got me here and I can’t erase it. I don’t know if that makes sense or not…

          Liked by 1 person

          • I hear ya’. The past is the past. All you can do is learn from it and move on. But you’re still you. You still have your own hopes, dreams, desires. What do you want? What do you want to do, right now?

            Liked by 1 person

            • The first thing that pops into my mind is, “I want to be 25 again and do things right…” Or at least do things better. But that doesn’t answer the question. I want to have the means to be here for my kids without constantly worrying about money. I want to be madly in love. I want to be happy.

              You know… totally far-fetched stuff.

              Liked by 1 person

              • I get the money thing. I think we all worry about that shit. As for the love, I assume you were madly in love with your husband at one time?? It’s still there. But he’s gotta put some into it too. Do y’all have heart to hearts? Talks?

                Liked by 1 person

                • No. Money is a huge issue right now. I’m not wishing for extra… I’m wishing for enough. (Maybe after that, I can wish for extra…) Madly in love with my husband? No. I’ve written about this before. I’m not even sure I was ever in love at all. I convinced myself that I was but I don’t think I really was. Didn’t see it at the time, of course. And no, he doesn’t make any effort. And no, we don’t really have real talks unless we have to discuss something. And then I kind of dread it. Lately, I like it better when he disappears to the basement than when he’s upstairs with me. It’s pretty fucking sad.

                  Liked by 1 person

  2. Lovely Sandra,

    I’ve been reading you lately and I had to stop by and comment on this one.
    My opinion in all of this…we are all several people wrapped into a mess of a person. Despite my tawdry persona, I am a mother to 3 kids. I have a job that helps the elderly and I do volunteer work at a battered women’s shelter. And yet I write the shit I write on here. No one in line with me at the grocery store would have any indication that I was capable of doing the things I’ve chronicled on the blogosphere for thousands to read. I look back and sometimes don’t recognize that person and I look in the mirror and realize I am becoming my mother. Where did I go? The real me?
    We are all products of our environment. Choices I’ve made in life have largely been influenced by who I was with, where I was at, and what I felt was “expected” of me. (I am rambling…sorry. But there is a point)
    Sometimes I think it’s easier to figure out we are, by identifying who we are not. Either way, all my love to you, sweetheart. I don’t “who” you are, but I think you’re awesome, Sandra.
    Love,
    Tessa

    Liked by 4 people

    • I just read your comment at least five times and I’m still having trouble trying to figure out what to say. You are so sweet… and so kind to me. I know I’m not supposed to be shocked and confused by that… that you think good things about me… but I am. I’m such a huge mess that I’ve never expected anyone to want to have anything to do with me… never mind say such nice things to me. Thank you. ♥
      Maybe I am some mix of every part of my life… but with all the terrible decisions I’ve made, I don’t like what I am. I always want to go back and change things. Change everything.
      I don’t know who I am but I don’t like her. I’m not sure how to change that. It feels impossible. Lately every part of my life seems difficult… upsetting. But then someone like you comes along and finds something to like about me. I don’t know what it is but I appreciate you and everything you’ve said.
      And I think you’re awesome, too. ♥love, sandra

      Liked by 1 person

  3. Marquessa says:

    Totally agree with Tessa. Environment shapes us and it takes hindsight to realize lots of things. Knowing who or what you don’t want to be is a way of guiding you to who you are. After you give so much to others, its not selfish to have the world reVOLve around yourself a little bit. You are authentic and awesome. Vent away – you could never talk too much…

    Liked by 4 people

    • Thanks… you’re an amazing friend. ♥ The only thing I know is… what I don’t want to be… is me. Not the way I am now, anyway. There are so many things I hate about myself. But I don’t know how to be any other way… any other person. Maybe I don’t want to know who I am… or maybe it just seems way too hard to figure it out…

      Like

  4. ‘And I drive myself crazy thinking everything’s about me…’ – for some reason that song popped into my head. I think the world revolves around everyone for everyone. Anyone who says otherwise is lying. We know what we think. We know jn we feel. We don’t know that about anyone else but ourselves, so it’s normal.

    I also don’t think we ever truly know who we are, but more often than not we know who we’re not. Maybe if we did know, people would be so much happier and hipsters would avoid their hipster phase, but something tells me this life thing isn’t supposed to work that way.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Wow, this is good Sandra. The first thing about sorting out a problem is to think about it. DONE!
    Next, ask for others’ opinions. DONE!
    Then throw ideas backwards and forwards. DONE!
    You may not have sorted anything out yet, but at least you are orbiting that self star, examining yourself from a distance.

    I think all the comments are relevant, and helpful. Particularly Tessa’s.

    I really don’t think that anyone is entirely happy in their own body, their own persona, their own existence, but some of us are fortunate enough to accept our lot, go with the flow, and enjoy the ride.

    Just look at one of my “about” pages.

    Left school, joined the Army to give me time to think what I wanted to do. Left army 28 years later still not knowing what to do. 2 years in education admin then to Methodist Homes for nearly 17 years. Retired 19 January 2012. Still don’t know what I want to do. Thoroughly enjoyed my working life and still enjoying every minute.

    That isn’t entirely true! Some times in my life were utterly miserable, some I was depressed beyond any hope (or so I thought at the time). Sometimes I had no money at all, no savings, no credit or debit card, and desperately hoping I could last out until pay day. Later when I did have a credit card I maxed it out often and not only had no money, but had tremendous debt too. It happens. I came through it, and now I remember the good times and store the bad away in a folder labelled “Remember rarely just often enough to not go there again!”

    The next stage for you has got to be to find someone close by to talk things through, preferably your hubby, but that seems unlikely. Sister? Ex work colleague?

    I’ve gone on again just like I promised not to! I’ll shut up!

    Just remember. A planet (you) cannot exist alone. It always depends on others around it, even though the planet is unaware of this fact. We, out here, are part of that support!

    Hugs.

    Liked by 3 people

    • Well.. I’m certainly not entirely happy with myself. I’m not really happy with myself at all. And I have no idea what to do to make myself happy… inside or out.

      I’m not in a position to be picky about a job. If I find something… anything… that works logistically, I’m going to have to take it even if I hate it… even if it makes me miserable. And with my past work experience (very little, if any, of which I enjoyed), I’m fairly certain I won’t be finding a job I love… or even like.

      If I kept the bad times hidden away and only remembered the good ones, I don’t think there’d be much left. Nothing even close to being recent.

      I don’t have anyone to talk to offline. My sisters (1 does not speak to me… so this is about the other 2) don’t understand me. They are mostly in the ‘snap out of it’ camp. They don’t really recognize that I can’t do that… that I have an actual medical/psychological condition that prevents me from being able to ‘snap out of it’. They don’t get that… and it makes me think that they’re right… I should be able to ‘snap out of it’ and I’m just using my ‘illness’ as an excuse. So… yeah, that’s how talking to them makes me feel. My mom is less that way but she never knows what to say… so she tends to fall back to… ‘cheer up’… ‘snap out of it’… ‘just think positively’. Well, damn! If I could, I would. THAT is my whole problem!

      Ahh, see, now I’ve gone on, too.

      I guess part of the problem is that I am alone. I have no one I can depend on… except people here. And I can’t exactly just bother people whenever I feel like I need a friend. I’d chase everyone away really quickly.

      Thanks for the hugs… I don’t often get those offline either…

      Liked by 1 person

  6. magarisa says:

    I only know you from your blog, but I see you as an intelligent, caring, authentic person who feels deeply, writes beautiful love stories, creates lovely artwork, and never stops dreaming (a good thing).

    Liked by 1 person

  7. LindaGHill says:

    Great post, and something a lot of us struggle with. I did for years – I don’t think I figured out who I am until I hit about 50. It was then that I realized who I am is really how I react to things, and that it can’t truly be defined. How’s that for an unhelpful bit of philosophy? 😛
    Hang in there, Sandra. You’ll figure it out too. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

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