I hate the outdoors.
Not in every way, of course. Like most people, I enjoy the beautiful things. I love a nice walk on a pleasant day. Or warm sand between my toes as I stare out at the ocean. Or swimming in Mom’s pool. Or irresponsibly going a little too light on the sunscreen so I get a little color on my pale skin. Yeah… I like those things…
And I love going for aimless drives when it’s warm enough to have the windows open with the music blaring so I can sing as loud as I want and no one will tell me I’m off key. Does that even count as outdoors? Probably not.
But… but… but…
If you’re going to be outside, don’t forget to bring a drink. Must remain hydrated. Some music, maybe? Something to read? Basically, pack a bag. Or… just stay inside where you already have all those things at the ready.
Even if I’m close enough to anywhere to maintain wifi access, using a laptop outside is ridiculously awkward. Using a phone is better but still problematic. The screen needs to be at maximum brightness… and even then, the glare…
And what if it starts to rain? Ugh… then you have to collect all your shit and hurry inside where you probably should have stayed in the first place.
There is no comfortable way to sit on the grass. And the little blades touch my legs and I feel like something’s crawling on me and I have to stand up and if I’m going to sit, why the hell wouldn’t I just do it on a comfy sofa?
But none of that matters. Because one outdoor issue trumps all others.
Outdoors… is where the bugs are. Creepy crawly flying stinging biting disease-carrying creatures. No thanks. Keep your West Nile. Keep your Lyme Disease. And I’ll keep my Netflix.