powerless.

swing-girl

I am having trouble dealing with a matter of a personal nature. Someone in my family very close to me has been hospitalized since last week. I’ve decided not to go into further detail for a few reasons… the biggest of which is how disastrously emotional I get talking about it.

I’ve been struggling to post. I can’t concentrate. Even when I read, it’s a problem. I find myself reading the same paragraph three times because I’ve lost focus halfway through… and I have no idea what I just read. And I can’t talk. I feel like I don’t know how to communicate anymore. People who know me offline cannot imagine me unable to talk. But I have no words.

I guess I’m posting this because I don’t know what else to post. I have nothing to say worth saying. But I don’t want to lose everyone because I’m empty… because I’m stuck. Or I’m going backwards. I’m not even sure. I question everything. I felt, for a few fleeting moments, like I was finally moving in the right direction… but I’ve been derailed. Derailed by reality… my loved one suffering… and by my own mind fighting me. And hopelessness keeps coming in for the kill.

I feel powerless.

Right now, it seems the best I can do is spit out a little poem here and there. And I have no idea if I’m writing anything good. I feel like I’m just throwing words out there because they’re better than nothing. But I’m not even sure they are. I’m desperate to write some fiction… but since ‘secret admirer‘ ended, I feel empty. Maybe at some point, every idea I have won’t seem so terrible.

But for now… thanks for sticking with me… even as I come unglued. 

 heart swirl.

[And to the person (you know who you are) who has been crazy enough to be an incredible friend to me… to be there for me all the time… thanks isn’t enough. Someday I’ll figure out how to give you what you’ve given me. Much love.]

©2017 what sandra thinks
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About what sandra thinks

Sandra is a writer, blogger, poet, artist, emotional disaster. She thinks far too much and sleeps far too little. Sandra lives in the Northeastern U.S. but dreams of an oceanfront home in Hawaii where she could learn to surf. She loves music, brutal honesty, coffee, and the color black. She hates insincerity, beer, whipped cream, and facebook. And she is uncomfortable talking about herself in the third person.
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44 Responses to powerless.

  1. tarnishedsoul says:

    I don’t have any words of encouragement, but please know I’m virtually hugging you.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Meg Sorick says:

    Oh sweetie, you’re not going backwards. When a new crisis arises, it’s like getting hit with a hurricane just after you’ve had your house destroyed by a tornado. Don’t apologize for not having words to express yourself… I think it’s a completely understandable situation. Concentrate on your loved one. That is the priority now. And if you only post a little bit or not at all, don’t worry. We will be with you whether here or there! xoxo

    Liked by 2 people

  3. I’m so sorry to hear about your struggles. Sending hugs.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. stephieann8 says:

    I am sorry to hear you are having a difficult time. I totally understand the feeling to post something just to post something because of your followers. You don’t want them to think you bailed. We would understand and be here whenever you come back to writing. I am sending you well wished and a cyber hug 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Take care of yourself, Sandra. It sounds like a difficult time. ❤

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Oh, honey, I’m so sorry! I know how things seem to accumulate sometimes until it seems like you can’t take even one more thing going wrong. Sending hugs ❤

    Liked by 1 person

  7. Marquessa says:

    Oh…sending you love and hugs Sandra.

    Liked by 1 person

  8. Halycon Prana says:

    Your compassion and dedication to your loved one is art in itself. Things may be continuously overwhelming, but don’t forget how you continue to paint colour into your reality with that beautiful soul of yours. You are their for them and we are here for you. “Big hug. Kiss on the cheek, fist bump – you got this.” 😉

    Liked by 1 person

  9. magarisa says:

    I know the feeling of being stuck all to well. I often feel that I have nothing worth saying. Sending you love and virtual hugs 💗💙

    Liked by 1 person

  10. I feel like I haven’t talked to you in forever! I know I’ve been out of touch – haven’t felt much like writing lately, either 😦 I’m so sorry to hear about your loved one. It’s so very hard to stand around doing nothing while someone we love suffers. Hoping for comfort for both you and your family member 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  11. Miriam says:

    Sandra I’m so sorry to hear this. Sending you a big heartfelt hug and warmest wishes. Hang in there kiddo. And remember, we’re all here and we’re not going anywhere. xo

    Liked by 1 person

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