powerless.

Posted on 23 February 2017 by what sandra thinks

swing-girl

I am having trouble dealing with a matter of a personal nature. Someone in my family very close to me has been hospitalized since last week. I’ve decided not to go into further detail for a few reasons… the biggest of which is how disastrously emotional I get talking about it.

I’ve been struggling to post. I can’t concentrate. Even when I read, it’s a problem. I find myself reading the same paragraph three times because I’ve lost focus halfway through… and I have no idea what I just read. And I can’t talk. I feel like I don’t know how to communicate anymore. People who know me offline cannot imagine me unable to talk. But I have no words.

I guess I’m posting this because I don’t know what else to post. I have nothing to say worth saying. But I don’t want to lose everyone because I’m empty… because I’m stuck. Or I’m going backwards. I’m not even sure. I question everything. I felt, for a few fleeting moments, like I was finally moving in the right direction… but I’ve been derailed. Derailed by reality… my loved one suffering… and by my own mind fighting me. And hopelessness keeps coming in for the kill.

I feel powerless.

Right now, it seems the best I can do is spit out a little poem here and there. And I have no idea if I’m writing anything good. I feel like I’m just throwing words out there because they’re better than nothing. But I’m not even sure they are. I’m desperate to write some fiction… but since ‘secret admirer‘ ended, I feel empty. Maybe at some point, every idea I have won’t seem so terrible.

But for now… thanks for sticking with me… even as I come unglued. 

 heart swirl.

[And to the person (you know who you are) who has been crazy enough to be an incredible friend to me… to be there for me all the time… thanks isn’t enough. Someday I’ll figure out how to give you what you’ve given me. Much love.]

©2017 what sandra thinks

About what sandra thinks

Sandra is a writer, sometimes blogger, poet, artist, emotional disaster. She thinks far too much and sleeps far too little. Sandra lives in the Northeastern U.S. but dreams of an oceanfront home in Italy, but she would settle for a non-oceanfront home in Italy. She loves books, brutal honesty, coffee, and the color black. She hates insincerity, beer, whipped cream, and facebook. And she is uncomfortable talking about herself in the third person.
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44 Responses to powerless.

  1. tarnishedsoul says:
    23 February 2017 at 11:16 am

    I don’t have any words of encouragement, but please know I’m virtually hugging you.

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply
  2. Meg Sorick says:
    23 February 2017 at 11:32 am

    Oh sweetie, you’re not going backwards. When a new crisis arises, it’s like getting hit with a hurricane just after you’ve had your house destroyed by a tornado. Don’t apologize for not having words to express yourself… I think it’s a completely understandable situation. Concentrate on your loved one. That is the priority now. And if you only post a little bit or not at all, don’t worry. We will be with you whether here or there! xoxo

    Liked by 2 people

    Reply
  3. thesarahdoughty says:
    23 February 2017 at 12:36 pm

    I’m so sorry to hear about your struggles. Sending hugs.

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply
  4. stephieann8 says:
    23 February 2017 at 12:41 pm

    I am sorry to hear you are having a difficult time. I totally understand the feeling to post something just to post something because of your followers. You don’t want them to think you bailed. We would understand and be here whenever you come back to writing. I am sending you well wished and a cyber hug 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply
  5. D. Wallace Peach says:
    23 February 2017 at 1:01 pm

    Take care of yourself, Sandra. It sounds like a difficult time. ❤

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply
  6. ladieswholunchreviews says:
    23 February 2017 at 3:31 pm

    Oh, honey, I’m so sorry! I know how things seem to accumulate sometimes until it seems like you can’t take even one more thing going wrong. Sending hugs ❤

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply
  7. Marquessa says:
    23 February 2017 at 10:33 pm

    Oh…sending you love and hugs Sandra.

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply
  8. Halycon Prana says:
    23 February 2017 at 10:39 pm

    Your compassion and dedication to your loved one is art in itself. Things may be continuously overwhelming, but don’t forget how you continue to paint colour into your reality with that beautiful soul of yours. You are their for them and we are here for you. “Big hug. Kiss on the cheek, fist bump – you got this.” 😉

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply
  9. magarisa says:
    25 February 2017 at 3:19 pm

    I know the feeling of being stuck all to well. I often feel that I have nothing worth saying. Sending you love and virtual hugs 💗💙

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply
  10. amanda (Just in Queso) says:
    25 February 2017 at 8:52 pm

    I feel like I haven’t talked to you in forever! I know I’ve been out of touch – haven’t felt much like writing lately, either 😦 I’m so sorry to hear about your loved one. It’s so very hard to stand around doing nothing while someone we love suffers. Hoping for comfort for both you and your family member 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply
  11. Miriam says:
    27 February 2017 at 1:12 am

    Sandra I’m so sorry to hear this. Sending you a big heartfelt hug and warmest wishes. Hang in there kiddo. And remember, we’re all here and we’re not going anywhere. xo

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply

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