I am having trouble dealing with a matter of a personal nature. Someone in my family very close to me has been hospitalized since last week. I’ve decided not to go into further detail for a few reasons… the biggest of which is how disastrously emotional I get talking about it.
I’ve been struggling to post. I can’t concentrate. Even when I read, it’s a problem. I find myself reading the same paragraph three times because I’ve lost focus halfway through… and I have no idea what I just read. And I can’t talk. I feel like I don’t know how to communicate anymore. People who know me offline cannot imagine me unable to talk. But I have no words.
I guess I’m posting this because I don’t know what else to post. I have nothing to say worth saying. But I don’t want to lose everyone because I’m empty… because I’m stuck. Or I’m going backwards. I’m not even sure. I question everything. I felt, for a few fleeting moments, like I was finally moving in the right direction… but I’ve been derailed. Derailed by reality… my loved one suffering… and by my own mind fighting me. And hopelessness keeps coming in for the kill.
I feel powerless.
Right now, it seems the best I can do is spit out a little poem here and there. And I have no idea if I’m writing anything good. I feel like I’m just throwing words out there because they’re better than nothing. But I’m not even sure they are. I’m desperate to write some fiction… but since ‘secret admirer‘ ended, I feel empty. Maybe at some point, every idea I have won’t seem so terrible.
But for now… thanks for sticking with me… even as I come unglued.
[And to the person (you know who you are) who has been crazy enough to be an incredible friend to me… to be there for me all the time… thanks isn’t enough. Someday I’ll figure out how to give you what you’ve given me. Much love.]