In the spirit of this ‘most wonderful’ time of the year, I have compiled a list of the most joyous aspects of the season. Please feel free to share yours.
Top 8 Wonders of the Holiday Season
- It is painfully clear to me that the Elf on the Shelf is the love child of Chucky and a ventriloquist dummy. And all three scare the shit out of me.
- It is really challenging to keep the magic of Santa alive for my kids when my husband is a terrible liar and my son (age 10) questions everything he finds illogical. If I don’t have some damn good explanations, the magic is over for him.
- From Black Friday until January, I cannot even go into Target to buy fucking toilet paper without having to deal with crowds and gigantic checkout lines. I just want to buy this fucking TP. They should have a separate checkout line – not ‘10 items or less’ but more like ‘No Christmas or else.’
- I fear for my life whenever I venture out more than a few blocks from my home. I honestly believe the average IQ of the local population drops 40 or more points during the holiday season. Seriously, do they all suddenly forget how to drive? Stop signs mean stop. Red lights don’t mean slam on the gas and pretend it was still yellow. And yes, God dammit, I was waiting for that parking spot and if you steal it, I will grab the snow shovel I keep in the back and smash the fuck out of your windshield with it.
- I adore Christmas specials from my childhood. For the love of Santa, stop trying to make sequels to classics from the 60s and 70s. The fuck? It cannot be done. Properly. Without a time machine.
- No one should ever have allowed Jim Carrey to ruin the Grinch. The Grinch is my hero. The real Grinch. From the book. And the original animation… with Boris Karloff. That is the Grinch.
- I am not skilled at pretending to be all joyful and shit.
- Santa never brings me what I really want.