I had an appointment with my NP last week and she left me with an assignment.
We talked about my parenting worries—specifically that I think I’m a terrible mom… and that my own mom was so much better.
‘How was your mom different?‘ she asked me.
It took me a minute, but once I started talking, it was easy. My mom is confident, friendly, and outgoing. She’s more laid back. She worries like all parents do, but not like I worry about every fucking breath. Even with four daughters, she has always had a great [and close] relationship with all of us. She didn’t work [because four daughters], but she still had [and still has] her own life. She has always had hobbies… she has always had friends… and until he died, she had my dad who she absolutely adored just as he adored her.
I’m not confident or outgoing. I am terrible at making small talk and making friends. I worry excessively. I often feel like I want to hide away in a closet instead of being around anyone, including my kids. [God, that sounds awful.] I used to feel close to my kids when they were younger, but I feel much less close now. I don’t have a job nor do I have my own life. All I am is mom, chef, maid, lazy fuck. I have hobbies but I never feel like doing anything so I rarely partake. I don’t have [local] friends… and I don’t have a great love story. [Or, all I have is a ‘story’… a fictional one. Not a reality.]
I wasn’t cut out for parenting. I wish I had recognized that before I became a mom. I’m just not good at it. Simple as that.
Maybe contributing to my crappy parenting is my lack of confidence and social skills… and in large part, my loneliness.
I’m not alone. The kids are here all the time. The husband comes home after work every night and is around all weekend. But, as everyone knows, loneliness and alone are not the same thing. Hell, I think not being alone makes me lonelier. There’s a level of connection missing for me. It’s the kind of connection you feel when you’re having coffee with your best friend or you’re cuddling up to [or doing other stuff with] the love of your life.
I don’t have a best friend locally. Or any friends. I have my long-distance best friend [and a few other long-distance friends], but we don’t ‘get together‘ regularly. I never met the love of my life. I am sure it’s too late now. He’s not coming. You know, if he even exists at all, which I highly doubt.
Maybe some people are just meant to be lonely.
My NP listened… took in everything I said… and made me think back on one of the things I said—the bit about having a few long-distance friends who I met here. [She knows about this blog—its existence, not its address.]
She gave me an assignment. A two-part one, kind of.
Part one: Post on my blog.
Part two: ‘Talk’ to [email, text, DM, back-and-forth comments, whatever] a friend [or two or more]. Doesn’t have to be a lot. Even just a little… maybe a couple of times a week.
I already told her I was still going to be a mess… still going to feel lonely… because—full disclosure [horrible as my honest thoughts are…]—it’s never enough for me. A few conversations? A couple of emails? It’s never enough for me. I need a constant.
I know… it’s wrong for me to give up and accept defeat before I even begin. But I’m just being honest… with her, with you, with myself.
Yet… here I am. Posting. Thanks for taking part in my ‘therapy‘.
p.s. — I just want to be clear that I do recognize that I’m not exactly a person who inspires others to say, ‘Wow, I want to be friends with her!’ So, no hard feelings if you run. If I could run away from me, I’d probably do it.
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I’m sure if I did that you’d be sick of me in a week, tops!
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Nopes!
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I like where her head is at. Seems as though she actually listens to you. That’s pretty rare.
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And she’s not even really doing “therapy” with me. She monitors my medication. We talk a bit. It’s only once a month. I wish I could talk with her once a week or more. She asks the right questions to make me think about what I’m saying… to make me see if I’m being irrational, but she does it in a way that makes me feel better, not worse. That’s a skill.
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Yes, it sure is. You’re pretty lucky to have any clinician like that.
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Sometimes, I wish she was just someone I met who became my friend because I could totally see hanging out with her.
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Hahaha. Maybe you should ask her to go for coffee at lunch sometime. 😃
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I’ve actually thought about that! But I’m pretty sure that goes against some kind of rule. And, really, what if she only deals with listening to my shit because she’s paid to do that? Although she has mentioned a few times that she does like me as a person. You know, at those times when I can’t figure out why anyone would like a mess like me…
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I’ve been missing in action but now that you’ve got this assignment, I’m going to DM you more…😁
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Only if you have time. I know people have their own lives. I think that’s where I have a real problem with my extreme level of neediness. I need someone, like, on call, who can build me up all the time so I stop feeling worthless.
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Your feelings are so familiar and I wish I could hug you and make it all better. Often I feel terribly lonely but having a blog has helped. Anyhow, getting lost in my own thoughts again…Best to you and your assignment 🙂
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Aww, thank you. Hugs are always welcome. I could certainly use one. Or more than one. 🙂
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Loneliness honestly sucks, there are seven people in my immediate family, all of which I live with, yet loneliness seems to be the only one that’s always there with me. I hope this assignment helps, even if you don’t have much hope it will xx
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I hope so, too. But damn, it already took me a full day to reply to this comment. Loneliness does suck. It’s impossible to fix it alone but it never seems that the people around me can help.
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I know it doesn’t seem like they can, but I hope that they are able to prove otherwise xx
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Your NP sounds like one very switched on lady. She listened, she cared, she got you talking and she got you blogging and look what happened. There are 24 of us already who care and are interested enough to read and like what you’ve written. Hugs to you, and keep blogging.
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Thanks. I really hope I can be around more. Sadly, it took me a day to respond to your comment so that’s not great… but I’m here now. I hope it will last.
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I remember how lonely I felt when my daughter left home. I still had my husband and lots of work friends but I don’t have a lot of personal friends outside of that. It’s very hard–I understand how you feel.
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Oh god, I can’t even imagine how I’m going to deal with my kids moving out. Then I’ll be stuck with just my husband (not fabulous)… and no friends. I really need something for myself because at some point, I won’t have anyone else.
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What I love about your blog is that you’re always open and honest, and I am grateful that you are continuing that. ❤
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I’m trying. Although I was supposed to try to post something at least once a week… It’s been six days…
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