What the fuck, google? You’re supposed to be the best! But you have failed me and I’m angry. And really fucking sad. (And a bit dramatic.)
I am desperate for a friend or two or three or something. Online ones. I’m kind of bad at real-life human interaction. I’m even worse at real-life meeting people. I am the opposite of confident. I never know what to say. I just stand there awkwardly until I find a way to slip away unnoticed. And slipping away unnoticed isn’t usually that difficult since it is likely that no one noticed me the entire time I’d been standing there.
Anyway, the point is, I don’t think I can handle trying to make real-life friends right now (and maybe not ever). I want online friends. Ones I can talk to in real-time (via google chat or something like that).
I won’t use facetime (also, I don’t have an iphone). I won’t voice-talk either. It has to be online text-based communication only. I have two reasons for this. (1) I am too shy for such things; they are too close to in-person real-life interactions, and as I said, I can’t handle that right now. And (2) I don’t have much privacy in my home (especially once the kids are out of school for the summer), so video and voice communications are impossible. People would hear me. So, yeah. Nope.
I do feel that I have found friends here. I certainly don’t discount them. I am greedy and needy, though. People have lives (though I barely do) so there’s no way anyone could be around whenever I feel lonely or whenever I feel like talking. I guess that’s why I feel like I need more. Occasional emails back and forth are good and I appreciate them, but it just doesn’t feel like enough. (I know, I’m *really* needy.)
So… here is where google has failed me:
I have been searching for places to make friends online. (I know, it’s pathetic that I have to find places to make friends.) But no matter what I search for—”how to make friends online“, “how to make online friends“, “how to make online only friends“, etc.—the only results I’m getting are online places to find friends to meet in person. Totally not what I’m looking for. And so fucking frustrating.
Why, google?? Why do you so often guess what I’m going to type before I type it with downright frightening accuracy, yet when I am desperately trying to find something and I spell it out, you fail me? Whyyy?
My daughter shows me her Snapchat messages (snaps? I don’t have snapchat and don’t know the lingo—pardon my ignorance), and she has, like, over 200 messages waiting for her! I know they’re not all close friends. And she told me she doesn’t answer them all because, really, how could she? But she does have friends there who she can truly talk to. And that’s in addition to her school friends. Whenever she wants to talk to someone, someone is there for her, even if it’s just a couple of messages back and forth. She even has a few group chats where someone is always around.
I don’t expect to have the social life of my teenage daughter (online or off). But I would love to have people to talk to. Casual friendships. Intimate friendships. Intimate more-than-friendships, maybe. I guess that sounds bad, but my marriage is stale and empty and I crave… something. I don’t have a man in my life who makes me feel loved, admired, adored, or wanted. Hell, even with my kids, I feel more needed than loved. That’s probably my own hang-up, but still.
I’m isolated. And I’m lonely. I’ve also come to think I might be boring because sometimes I can’t think of what to talk about.
I guess what I really wish I had is what my daughter has, but on a smaller scale.
Google is no help. Am I too old for Snapchat?
Oh, Mr. Sexy Perfect Specimen of the Italian Variety, will you be my friend?
(And then I will have the biggest friend crush *ever*.)
p.s. — Is all of this too much to ask? Maybe it is. But right now, the only “support system” I have in my life is my mom. And my NP, but I pay her to support me so I’m not sure that counts.