odd one out.

I might as well not even exist in my family. In fact, I wish I didn’t.

A couple of months ago, I made up a funny nickname for my daughter. I’ve called her that name often ever since. My husband started calling her that, too. All good. But—today, both my daughter and my husband insisted that he made up that nickname, not me. And my daughter told me it’s funny when he says it but annoying when I say it.

I don’t understand. I know I made it up because she started calling me Sandy, which I hate, and to counter that, I made up a name for her. I cannot figure out how they can possibly think that I wasn’t the one who came up with it.

It’s not even about the nickname. (Well, it partially is because my daughter has now told me that I’m “not allowed” to call her that. Even though I’m the one who came up with it, and I’ve been using it for months.)

The bigger issue, though, is that I don’t belong here. Both of my kids have special little things with my husband but nothing with me. Nickname-gate is just one example. And a bad one at that since it was my stupid fucking thing.

My husband (John, not his real name) has his things with my son—video games, superheroes, Star Wars, boy things, etc. I have nothing with my son. And John has his things with my daughter—the nickname I came up with, another that actually was him, dad-hugs, and all sorts of things that they’ve done together that, by the way, I’ve also done with her, but she conveniently forgets everything I’ve done.

I’ve had times when my daughter and I have been very close. She comes into my room and we hang out and watch Criminal Minds on Netflix and talk about boys and whatever else comes up. In fact, she was hanging out with me in my room last night, and we were doing all those things.

But today, it’s all about dad. He has all the fun nicknames and fun everything. I’m just here. And my son seems to much prefer John’s company to mine.

No one chooses me.

If I ever left my husband, the kids would likely fight to stay with him. I would have nothing. I doubt they’d even want to see me ever again.

I know I’m an absolutely terrible mother, but don’t they even love me a little bit? I bet they would be happy if I was gone.

Oh wait, then who would cart them all over town?

I’m just the fucking driver.

 



My new favorite man on earth. [Simone Bredariol, Italian model, perfect man] 

p.s. — I wish I had the courage to disappear.


©2022 what sandra thinks

About what sandra thinks

Sandra is a writer, blogger, poet, artist, emotional disaster. She thinks far too much and sleeps far too little. Sandra lives in the Northeastern U.S. but dreams of an oceanfront home in Italy, but she would settle for a non-oceanfront home in Italy, too. She loves books, brutal honesty, coffee, and the color black. She hates insincerity, beer, whipped cream, and facebook. And she is uncomfortable talking about herself in the third person.
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9 Responses to odd one out.

  1. jrvincente says:

    Ugh. That’s so frustrating!

    I remember one time, my daughter complained that I “never” do things with her, even though I had spent two days doing *everything* she wanted, taking her places, planning fun activities. Her dad (my ex) sat on the couch the entire two days and did nothing. I was like, “What about him!? He never does anything!!!”

    Now, well, I did leave. She comes to see me about half the time, though she sometimes says things like, “I wish I could just visit and not stay over at your place.” That’s extra frustrating because I moved my (new) husband out of his 1-bedroom apartment to share a bigger apartment with me so I’d have room for her. And then gave her a ton of money to buy all new stuff. But you know, she doesn’t want to be there.

    Anyway, sorry, I got off topic. Kids! So frustrating. I’m sure that you aren’t as bad of a mother as you think (I always think I’m a bad mother, too) and I’m sure that they would miss you (and not just for your driving) even if it doesn’t seem that way right now. And definitely as they get older, they’ll realize that they do care for you. ❤ Hang in there!

    Liked by 1 person

    • Maybe I should just stop trying. My husband doesn’t try at all and he’s the favorite. My kids used to love me when they were younger, but now, they have no use for me. I don’t even have a job–they are my life–and they don’t even want me. I already feel like I have no purpose other than the kids, but I feel like that’s being taken away from me.

      I tend to do whatever my kids want because I want them to love me. Apparently that’s not working. 😢

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Storyteller says:

    Take deep breaths

    Liked by 1 person

  3. This sounds very frustrating. But also kind of sounds how I was with my mom in my 20s. It might just be her trying to grow and make her own self and eventually you two will be closw again? Im sorry you have to live through feeling like an outsider in your own home

    Liked by 1 person

    • I might understand that she’s just growing up and that it’s teenage stuff, but she’s not like this with my husband. I’m always the one left out of everything. It’s like

      I tried talking to my husband this morning and he told me everything I was saying was BS. He doesn’t see it like I see it at all. But of course he doesn’t because he’s in on it. He doesn’t get how it is for me.

      Liked by 1 person

  4. thefiftyedit says:

    I’m sorry you’re going through this.

    Like

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