help. I need help.

dark.

I don’t know how to explain this without explaining it, but that’s exactly what I need to do. I don’t want to share the actual details because it’s too personal. I know—I really have no filter here so this probably makes no sense to you. But I don’t make a lot of sense.

John (my husband’s fake name) handled something yesterday because it was decided that he would. (I know, vague.) After, he gave me a summary of said thing he handled, including what needs follow-up. I asked a few questions, he gave some answers, but not in as much detail as I would have liked. And the reason I would have liked more detail is because all of the follow-up is being thrown at me.

I have told John so damn many times that this “something” is extremely difficult for me to deal with for reasons that would be obvious if I told you what the fuck I was talking about. I have asked him outright for help, but he says he has to work… he’s busy. So he handles (I use the term loosely) the first (kind of easy) part, I get the information second hand, and I’m left with everything that needs to come next.

I am alone. John doesn’t want to talk about it. I try, but his answer to everything is, “I don’t know.” UGH. I don’t fucking know either, but I’m the one who has to figure it out. Alone.

I may not have a job outside the home, but I have a fuckton to deal with right now. The above matter aside, I have a few things going on with myself that are troubling me.

I saw another specialist for my forever back pain. He told me a lot of things I already knew, and some new things. He told me I am not a candidate for surgery. Fine by me. He also told me about a procedure for which I might be a good candidate. One of his colleagues is a pioneer of this procedure so I am seeing him next. And I’m going back to physical therapy (again). I hope this time the therapist actually does more than hand me some exercises to do at home because that’s all the last one did.

Of course, my brain instructs me to worry that nothing will work and I will continue to have my forever back pain. You know, forever.

And something else came up at my last physical. I don’t know yet what it means, but I have to see someone about that, too. No date for that yet. But I’m in a panic over that, too. John doesn’t seem to give a fuck. I guess could give him the benefit of the doubt, but why would I do that?

I need help. I need someone by my side through all of this. Tell me it’s all going to be okay. Lie to me. Whatever. I don’t care. I just need some hope because I have none. Last night, I cried for nearly four hours. Kids were asleep, John was downstairs, and I cried alone.

People keep telling me things won’t always be bad. They tell me to have hope. They tell me to think positively.

I am fucking positive that I have no hope.

I am fucking positive that when things seem like they’re at their worst, I’m wrong, because they always get even worse.

I am fucking positive that I can’t handle my life anymore.

I am fucking positive that I need help.

I am fucking positive that I’m not going to get it.

• • • • •

    
My boys. I don’t want them to see me like this.


p.s. — Let me be clear: It’s not that you are not helpful. You are, in a very important way. That’s why I came here with this. It helps me to write it. It helps me to get some support. But I need help with my day-to-day stuff, and I have no one here to help me. I am all alone.

         
©2021 what sandra thinks

About what sandra thinks

Sandra is a writer, blogger, poet, artist, emotional disaster. She thinks far too much and sleeps far too little. Sandra lives in the Northeastern U.S. but dreams of an oceanfront home in Hawaii where she could learn to surf. She loves books, brutal honesty, coffee, and the color black. She hates insincerity, beer, whipped cream, and facebook. And she is uncomfortable talking about herself in the third person.
This entry was posted in anxiety, depression, life, writing and tagged , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

30 Responses to help. I need help.

  1. Eric says:

    Sandra, I’m sorry you are feeling this way. I, much like you, have come to realize that i am alone in my marriage when it comes to a lot of things. I have found help lately by getting into therapy and talking about this in honest and open discussion with a live human being who has no other agenda but to help guide me through my emotions. I do not say this lightly, i was lucky to find a therapist who is willing to help me at a significant decrease in the cost of a session. If i had not, i would not be able to do this. It is (normally) expensive and affording it with only one job in the household to support the finances is rough.

    But it is helping me feel that while i am alone out here, i can talk about it with someone who actually wants to help.

    I hope that maybe you can pursue that avenue too. I make no assumptions, just want to pass along something that is seeming to help me right now.

    I wish you peace.

    Liked by 1 person

    • I may very well benefit from speaking to a therapist. However, even though I would only have a copayment, those would add up quickly.

      My past experience with therapy hasn’t been great, so I’m hesitant. But I believe that I probably didn’t have the right therapist. However, I don’t know how to find the right one. I can’t afford to keep trying different ones.

      Thank you for thinking of me and sharing your experience. I will take it to heart.

      Like

  2. noloveforfatties@gmail.com

    I will always answer as soon as I can.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Carol anne says:

    Heartbroken for you Sandra!
    I am here, I cant help in RL but I can send virtual hugs and love to you and my support. ❤

    Like

  4. Sigh. I’m so sorry you’re not getting what you need at home. Though your details are vague, which is fine, all I can say is your hubs seems to be hiding behind his work. As if his job precludes him from anything involving you — until it’s convenient for him. That doesn’t seem fair at all. And this post. It’s a fucking cry for help. You should be getting it. Honestly, if he doesn’t want to even talk to you and doesn’t seem to care about how you feel, that doesn’t sound like a partnership to me. Please, whatever it is you need, get it. Find a therapist. Find someone. If you hit bottom with nothing, I’m afraid for you. You don’t deserve that.

    Liked by 1 person

    • It’s definitely not fair. And it’s incredibly frustrating. He uses the work excuse and it really upsets me. I get that I don’t have a regular paying job outside the home, but I am constantly doing things for the kids, for the house, for everyone. My work day never really ends. Sure once dinner is done and cleaned up, I’m kind of done, but that’s after about 12 hours “on the clock”, so to speak.

      Today, he was a little better. He actually had a conversation with me where I didn’t feel like he was dying for the talk to be over. I still don’t think I’m going to get any help from him, but at least he talked to me. I kind of think he does care how I feel, but he’s also selfish. And most of the time, I don’t feel like it’s much of a partnership.

      I sometimes wish I could find a therapist, and other times, I don’t want one. I have my NP who I talk to for a half hour every couple of weeks. It’s not a lot, but it’s really all I can have right now. Too many copayments for too many things. I can’t add to that. And I have no idea how to find the “right” therapost anyway. I’ve had several in my life and they were all useless… no help at all.

      Liked by 1 person

  5. mydangblog says:

    I’m so sorry that your husband is so callous–I wish you could get the support you need from your family the way other people do.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. jrvincente says:

    *hugs* I’m so sorry you’re going through this at all, and even more so that you’re going through it alone.

    Liked by 1 person

  7. musing75 says:

    What does one do upon finding a (metaphorical) message in a bottle? The only thing I can think to do is to send a bottle back into the (WordPress) ocean saying your message has been read and that help is on its way. Of course I don’t know the who, how, when or what of this help – I’m not that gifted or useful! But because I want to help, then surely someone in a better position than me to really help will also want to help too …

    Liked by 1 person

    • The metaphor of the message in a bottle is a good one. I threw this out there hoping for some support. Even if no one has answers, at least I don’t have to feel so utterly alone.

      Unfortunately, I still have to deal with everything alone. But at least I have people to talk to. If I didn’t, I think I’d lose my mind. Or maybe I already have. Everything is just… too much.

      Like

  8. I’m sorry. I completely understand. I hope you know that. I think I remember that you had emailed me but I am neurotic about keeping an empty inbox and lost it. Please email me again, friend.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Don’t worry about the email. My inbox is a mess. Today, on top of everything else, I have a terrible headache. I’ve had it all day. Tomorrow is Monday, and I have to deal with life again. I was relieved today that I didn’t have to do anything. But that’s short-lived.

      Liked by 1 person

  9. Deepika says:

    Why don’t you get a job outside? Anything small so you can spend time outside. It’ll give you some financial independence also. You’ll meet people and make new friends. I don’t know what helps you, but I’m just suggesting.

    Since you like reading books, try for a librarian position. Your can also sign up for a community class, take a short term course like 3 months or 6 months, earn a certificate. Invest your mind and thoughts on learning something. With the help of the certificate, try to find a job..

    Liked by 1 person

    • That all sounds good on paper (or on the screen), but in reality, that would be very difficult, if not impossible. I can only work while the kids are in school. I can’t work anywhere that I’d have to be on my feet for long periods of time because of my back pain. I’ve tried a couple of libraries… no jobs available. I haven’t been able to find a job that fits my needs. I’ve been looking for a very long time. And I don’t have the money to take a class… and even if I did, I have no idea what I’d take. I wish it was as simple as it sounds, but it’s just not.

      Like

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