My life is a mess.
And my heart is broken.
I am just broken. Mentally, physically… sigh.
I can’t even talk about a lot of what is happening in my life because it pains me to discuss it. And what I can discuss, you already know.
But recently, the things happening around me (and inside me) have gotten worse. I have tried to do what I can to make things better for myself and those around me, but I’m failing spectacularly. I have tried everything I can think of. I am still waiting on some things I’ve put in motion, but I’m not hopeful. And hopelessness is contagious. I don’t want to be spreading that to the people in my life, but I think it’s too late. The damage is done.
I feel so alone. Not literally. What I mean is that I am dealing with everything alone. I don’t have help. I have an NP who I speak to every two to three weeks, but it’s barely anything. And it’s not her job to help me on a day-to-day basis. It’s mine. But I need help and I don’t have it. I’m barely hanging on.
I spent a total of about four hours crying today (not all at once). I just can’t stop the pain inside, outside, everywhere around me.
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I have to leave them here even if I have nothing to say about them right now.
p.s. — Thank you for reading even when I’m… like this.