My life is a mess.
And my heart is broken.
I am just broken. Mentally, physically… sigh.
I can’t even talk about a lot of what is happening in my life because it pains me to discuss it. And what I can discuss, you already know.
But recently, the things happening around me (and inside me) have gotten worse. I have tried to do what I can to make things better for myself and those around me, but I’m failing spectacularly. I have tried everything I can think of. I am still waiting on some things I’ve put in motion, but I’m not hopeful. And hopelessness is contagious. I don’t want to be spreading that to the people in my life, but I think it’s too late. The damage is done.
I feel so alone. Not literally. What I mean is that I am dealing with everything alone. I don’t have help. I have an NP who I speak to every two to three weeks, but it’s barely anything. And it’s not her job to help me on a day-to-day basis. It’s mine. But I need help and I don’t have it. I’m barely hanging on.
I spent a total of about four hours crying today (not all at once). I just can’t stop the pain inside, outside, everywhere around me.
• • • • •
I have to leave them here even if I have nothing to say about them right now.
p.s. — Thank you for reading even when I’m… like this.
©2021 what sandra thinks
what sandra thinks 
Darling you need help. I don’t mean psychiatric help, though you may need that too, I’m talking of more practical help to get you through this crisis. When you speak to your NP tell her exactly what you’re suffering with and ask exactly where you can get help with specifics. She must have a good idea of agencies that offer help and may even help you approach them. If you think your problem requires psychiatric help for you to be boosted into coping patterns then ask for that, ask her to help you get an appointment because you’re desperate. Don’t suffer in silence and don’t keep whatever it is hidden from those that care about you as they may also be able to offer help. I hope you find a way to get some coping mechanisms in place and medical help too if it’s needed. Good Luck
Huge Hugs
LikeLiked by 6 people
I don’t know what the specifics even are. Honestly, I feel like I have so many things coming at me, so many things inside me, that I don’t know where to start. I don’t even know how to explain anymore. I don’t know. And I struggle to do things. I need someone to hold my hand. I don’t have that.
I don’t talk about this with my mom, sisters because they don’t understand. They don’t know how to help so they just gloss over everything like it’s no big deal. If I try to explain further, they think I’m being overly dramatic.
My NP is my mental health NP. She is wonderful, but I don’t know if anyone can help me enough. I’m afraid that someone is going to tell me I need to go away and I can’t do that. My kids need me here.
Thank you for caring enough to write this comment to me. Hugs to you, too.
LikeLiked by 2 people
I’m going to hit the star for this post, not because I’m happy to have read it, but because I feel like you consistently take words right out of my head. I’m very sorry to hear that you are struggling. I feel like I can relate to you but I know that doesn’t provide you the help you need. We don’t know each other in our analog lives, but I do believe we would be fast friends. I don’t pray, per se, but I’ll be hoping you get some kind of reprieve soon.
LikeLiked by 2 people
Thank you so much. I truly don’t know how much more I can take. I feel like things are so bad… and then they get worse. I feel like it’s a nightmare just to make it through the day. I’m scared as hell. If it was just me… no family, no kids… I wouldn’t be as scared. But it’s not just me.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Same. I have a 19 yo and a 2 yo. My health is shit and I’m terrified I’ll die before anyone notices/cares, not like my kids haven’t suffered enough because of me. If you ever want to commiserate outside of your blog let me know.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thank you. I am drowning right now. I have to put on this act that I’m okay (or kind of okay) so I don’t inconvenience anyone around me. And there are things going on that seem beyond my control, and some really may be. But others, I think, I’m just not strong enough to fix. I’m probably not even making sense at this point… I’m just so tired.
LikeLiked by 1 person
What would need to happen for you to feel strong enough?
LikeLiked by 1 person
Other than someone holding my hand and being strong for me? I have no idea…
LikeLiked by 1 person
I feel that. I have times where I’ve powered the bullshit for so long that I just have nothing left and wish someone would step in and just.. I don’t know… save me from myself? save my kids from me? Every day is Groundhog Day. Well.. here’s me holding your hand virtually. I can be strong for everyone but myself. Ain’t that something? Wish I could do something more meaningful for you.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thank you. We just met, but already your friendship means a lot to me. I wish I knew what would make me feel stronger. But right now, I feel weak and tired. So tired.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Then I pray (in my way) that your sleep tonight is long and deep and full of fabulous dreams starring those handsome hunks you keep pinned to the bottom of your blog. And that you wake up with at least 1 degree less pain.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Well, I woke up today. I still feel really sad. Like, huge weight of an elephant on my chest sadness. And I feel alone and overwhelmed. I have physical pain in my gut because of this profound sadness. I will stop now. Sorry and thank you.
LikeLike
You’re not alone. Neither am I but the feeling is still there. I get it. Please, email me. I feel like a total weirdo saying it because really who the fuck am I? But there it is anyways. Today is the new moon.
LikeLiked by 1 person
I will email you. I’m not at home at the moment, but will email you later when I can.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Love, not all is lost. I may not know the scope of everything happening to you, but it’s apparent that you’re in pain and you can’t see an end to it. That’s never a good place to be. I can tell you one thing for sure: YOU ARE NOT A BURDEN. You are loved, even if the ones around you don’t know how to help. If I could be there physically, I’d hold your hand and tell you it’ll get better. Just keep going.
LikeLiked by 3 people
The worst part is that it just seems too hard. I don’t want to feel this anymore. I used to think it was hard to believe things would get better. Now I know for sure that they’ve gotten worse.
LikeLiked by 1 person
But nothing is hopeless. Have you ever heard of the old Buddhist (is it proverb? saying?) theory called Regression of the Means? Imagine your life as it is right now on a straight horizontal line and your body is free to move along it. Now, imagine a bungee cord strapped to the center, keeping you tethered. To the left is bad times, and right is good. If you trend to one direction or the other away from that central point, the bungee cord will act as a counter balance, making an effort to pull you back to center. All it takes is time and things will turn around. I know you’re tired, but don’t give up.
LikeLiked by 1 person
I have never heard that before. It makes sense, but the way I interpret it is probably wrong. My thought is that it means if I just dangle here long enough, I will get back to the middle. But that means I do nothing — I just wait to land back at the center. I don’t think that can be right because I feel like I’ve not done anything and I’m definitely not getting back to the center.
LikeLiked by 2 people
I doubt it means you have to remain still in order to rebalance yourself. Just that if you keep going and doing what you can, as you can, you’ll find your way back to that center point.
LikeLiked by 1 person
I wish I could do more but I feel so weak and exhausted. I don’t know how much more I can take. 😕
LikeLiked by 1 person
I understand. If there’s anything I can do, I’m always here if you need to vent or anything at all.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thank you, Sarah.
LikeLiked by 1 person
There is always light at the heart of everything. Never give up because tomorrow hasn’t happened yet. Take care.
LikeLiked by 3 people
I wish I had faith or something like it. I don’t feel like there is light for me anymore. Everything is dark. When I see the tiniest speck of light, it’s blacked out immediately and I’m left in even more darkness than before.
LikeLike
I’m in the same boat as you are. Please see a therapist and they will prescribe some anti depressent. Mine suggested abilify. You might feel better. And spend at least one hour for yourself. Take up some hobby. If you are living in US, Michael’s offers lots of arts and crafts. Take up something like knitting, crochet. Do for half an hour. I know it’s easy to advice but I’m just suggesting you what helped me. Of course everybody has their own coping mechanism. Please give it a try and see if it gives you some peace. Don’t forget you are not alone. My life is also a mess and everyday I suffer. I pick up a book and immerse myself in it.
LikeLiked by 2 people
I’m sorry if I spoke too much.
LikeLike
It is okay.
LikeLike
I am already on medication. Unfortunately, it can’t fix what’s wrong with my life. Even though I know it’s working, nothing can erase what’s going on. I’ve tried distracting myself. That used to work sometimes, but lately, my brain won’t stop and let me take a break.
LikeLike
All I can say is hang in there. This situation will pass. Try going to IOP, they’ll give some mechanisms like mindfulness etc. Keep trying different things to distract your mind. Just don’t give up.
LikeLike
What is IOP?
LikeLike
When I lived in US, I was admitted to hospital a couple of times because of bipolar. After the hospital stay for a couple of weeks, they offered IOP, intensive out patient program. There they help with things to tackle depression. Whenever I used to feel like I was out of control, like nothing is working – my therapist suggested me to take IOP. I had taken insurance for Kaiser permanente.
LikeLiked by 2 people
I can look into it. Thank you.
LikeLike
Don’t stop writing! Get all that nastiness and sadness out, girl. You’re doing great here at keeping your head above water. Hang on and look for that life vest. Maybe a Mental Health Association (they usually offer free programs and emergency appointments) or a community outreach.
You’re never alone from your blogging community. ❤ Chin up!
LikeLiked by 2 people
I don’t think there’s any hope for me. Things have gotten worse and worse and I don’t think I can handle it anymore. I’m so tired. It seems I never get a break.
LikeLike
Is there any way that you can see a therapist? I’m thinking of starting to see one soon because I’m finding that I’m also struggling emotionally right now. I’m going to wait until my health benefits start from my new job next month though but it’s definitely something that I want to try
LikeLiked by 2 people
I have seen therapists in the past but it has never helped. Not to mention how hard it is to find one. It’s a random choice and the chances I’ll end up with someone who I “click” with are slim. I also have copays for everything and it’s adding up quickly. My NP, who manages my medication, acts as a therapist to some extent, but I only see her for a half hour every 2-3 weeks. I totally click with her but she’s not technically a therapist. At this point, unless my life changes drastically (which isn’t likely), I don’t think there’s anything I can do. But living like this isn’t working out for me either.
LikeLike
Thats such a hard situation to be in….im sorry
LikeLiked by 1 person
So sorry, my friend. Continued prayers for you.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thank you.
LikeLike
I hear desperation in your writing. I will only say that when I feel worst, it helps to treat myself like a child. It sounds dumb but I set small goals and give myself stickers for progress. I am gentle with myself and give myself small rewards I love (example: ice cream, a nap). I ask for help by telling people I trust how I feel. This will not be easy and consider the wise words of my Mom: bit by bit.
LikeLiked by 1 person
It doesn’t sound dumb at all. I don’t know if it would work for me. I just had three pieces of my daughter’s Halloween candy. Does that count as a reward? But if so, I don’t know what I’m rewarding myself for.
I don’t have anyone to ask for help. My family doesn’t understand, my husband is too close to a lot of what’s going wrong, my kids are, well, kids, and I have no friends. I am on my own. And I’m really tired.
LikeLike
You need to set your own goals. Three pieces of Halloween candy is just fun. Pick a simple goal and go for it. Then reward yourself. You likely need to talk to someone. Dp you have a Help-line where you are?
LikeLiked by 1 person
I don’t know what goals to set. Everything I can think of is huge, so failures is guaranteed.
I think I have a help line I can use through my health insurance, but I’m bad with phone calls. I wish I had something that used text messages. I’ve looked before but I’ve never found anything other than an actual crisis site that will talk through text. That’s all volunteers anyway. I probably need a professional. But I also need free.
LikeLike
Most of my goals are really small. I have big mobility issues, so I give myself a sticker every time I go upstairs; When I dread cleaning the bathroom, I just polish the mirror and do the rest in bits. Bit by bit is how I make it through the day. As for getting professional help, start with a frank discussion with your Doctor.
LikeLiked by 1 person
I so have some professional help already, but I don’t have a therapist. Therapy has been useless for me every time I’ve tried. Medication helps, but it doesn’t fix my life. And I’m so anxious lately, I have trouble focusing on anything. I understand what you’re saying about small goals. I need to figure that out for me. Today is just not the day for that, I don’t think. I am super anxious.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Love and hugs to you, as always Sandra. You really do need to get out and about. Nothing specific, just in fresh air with a gust of wind, the changing trees. Let the shit get blown out of your life. I started walking again – your turn now. Extra hugs!
LikeLiked by 2 people
I’m glad you started walking. Unfortunately, I have been having worsening back pain and I don’t know how much walking I can do even if I could motivate myself to try. But I’m not motivated. It feels pointless. Everything does. As soon as I take one positive step, more badness comes to me and I’m thrown fifty steps back. I’m not getting anywhere. In fact, I’m going backwards. I just want to get off the train (or whatever awful vehicle I’m stuck on).
LikeLiked by 1 person
I have nothing to offer but *hugs*. I wish I could help.
LikeLiked by 2 people
Thank you. Hugs are good and appreciated.
LikeLike
Hi… it sounds like you’re struggling. I wish I could help you beyond these short words, I just hope that light comes into your life. 🙂
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thank you Simon.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Always 🙂
LikeLiked by 1 person
I’m sorry to hear what you’re going through and it’s something I find very relatable. It’s really hard to do much in the midst of that kind of experience. Do the best you can to take care of yourself.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thank you so much.
LikeLiked by 1 person
I don’t know you but I’m always here to listen if you need it! thecreativechic@gmail.com
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thank you. That’s very kind of you. I’m afraid I would overwhelm you. I’m quite a mess and I’d probably scare you away immediately.
LikeLike
I’m a really good friend and listener
LikeLiked by 2 people
I really don’t want to overwhelm you. I’m seriously a mess. I don’t think I’m ever going to feel better. I do feel so alone. I will email you, but promise me that you’ll tell me to stop if it’s too much.
LikeLike
You’re not alone and I promise 🙂
LikeLiked by 2 people
Sending you positive vibration! Hope you feel better soon!
LikeLiked by 2 people
Thank you.
LikeLike
When I read the title and your post, it literally felt like somebody was sharing my exact same thoughts..I do feel you but just getting to smile after a while…I really just wanna send you strong vibes of positivity, strength and love and a strong bear hug….hope things get better soon. Genuinely May God Bless You Dear….💖💖💖💖💖💖💖💖
LikeLiked by 2 people
Thank you so much. Some days it just doesn’t feel like I’ll ever be okay.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Pingback: my heart is broken. – MoneR CanvaS
🥲🥲🥲🥲
LikeLike
Pingback: my heart is broken. – dailyblinsnation
Prayers are up
LikeLiked by 1 person
Hi Sandra. I just stumbled upon your blog. All I can say is don’t lose hope. That is all we have. I feel what you are feeling right now. I have gone through such feelings too in the past where I felt that this is it, I can’t go on anymore. Lots of love and virtual hugs. 🤗
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thank you so much. I haven’t felt hope for quite a while now. I am having trouble finding it. Everything just looks so bleak.
LikeLike
I understand. It might take time. We are all here for you.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thanks. ♥
LikeLike
Pray God is near. He heals the broken hearted and binds up their wounds. Psalm 147:3
LikeLike
I’m so sorry that you’re feeling this way. I used to feel that way all the time until God blessed me with the Holy Spirit. Now, whenever I’m alone, I’m not really alone because God is there to talk to me and knows exactly what to say. I never knew you could talk to God and He would answer back until last year, so if you want to seek a relationship, it’s well worth it to talk to Him and have Him slowly heal you of all your pain. If you want to talk, I’m here too. I’ve had major depression and anxiety since I was 16 and it’s not 100% gone all the time, but it’s not how I used to feel all the time. I hope you feel better soon!
LikeLike
Hey! You express beautifully but as I read it through, I gotta think to need to talk to you. Dear, can I have your mail id, then?
LikeLiked by 1 person
What do you want to talk about? You can contact me through my contact page, if you like.
LikeLike
Okeeyyy sure
LikeLike