she fuckin’ hates me.

My daughter hates me.

This has been the case for well over a year. Maybe two years. Maybe longer. I can’t even remember. (And the last year and a half kind of melted into one big lump of crap, so my concept of time is pretty fucked at the moment.)

I hate going into detail about this stuff because I feel that it reflects [very] poorly on me as a parent, and I’m embarrassed that I, apparently, am a horrible mother. Everything I touch turns into a huge pile of failure. Anyway, I’ll share some things, and hopefully, you won’t think badly of me when I’m finished.

My daughter (I will henceforth refer to her as M) constantly picks fights with me. I am so goddamn careful with every fucking word I say to her because I don’t want to fight with her, yet she still manages to find something to argue about. All. The. Fucking. Time. I can ask something as inocuous as, “did you finish your homework?” and my son will answer me, but M will fly off the handle and start a fight with me. One day she even said, and I quote, “I can’t help it if everything you say pisses me off.

What the fuck?

I know that I’m a failure as a mother. That is clear. But my son doesn’t treat me this way, so it can’t be all me, can it? I don’t even know. Maybe it is. I’m sure I treat them differently, but shouldn’t I? They are not the same person.

I’m sick of the excuse that she’s a typical thirteen year old girl because this is not normal. Maybe my three sisters and I were angels (ha, like hell we were), but my mom says we *never* treated her the way M treats me. She talks back to me constantly. She doesn’t seem to grasp that I’m the parent and she’s the child.

She tells me that she has no respect for me because I have no respect for her. But her definition of me “not respecting her” is me being a parent. Unless I agree with everything she says and let her do whatever she wants and never tell her when she’s done something wrong, I’m not respecting her. Oh, and if I punish her (god forbid) then I’m not respecting her. And by “punish”, I really just mean “say no”.

What the fuck is a parent, then? Am I really and truly fucking everything up?

I can’t even tell you the number of nights I’ve cried myself to sleep over this. I am 100% positive tonight will be another one of those nights.

Last week, M told me that she feels like everyone in our family hates each other. She directed her comment at me initially, but later repeated it in front of my son and husband. However, she is actually the only one who fights with everyone. I can’t remember the last time my son and I had even so much as a disagreement. And my husband, well, I have no use for him (whole different topic), but I’m not mean and we rarely fight. We get along… we’re civil. (Yes, it’s a marriage made in heaven. Civil was always my dream.)

We had a family meeting last week about this “hating each other” thing. By the end, I thought there was more understanding and a willingness to try to be more respectful of each other. I thought it went well.

I must be a fucking idiot because within, like, a day, M was acting like she hated everyone. She was back to being rude and picking fights, and not just with me. She’s the one who complains about the situation, yet she is the one who creates that very situation. She never takes any blame, though. It’s never her. It’s always someone else. Usually me.

It’s always me. I don’t know when everything became my fault, but that seems to be the case as far as she’s concerned.

We used to be close. I actually said that to her the other day, and her response? “We were never close.” I don’t understand how she can say that. Did she just forget? Maybe she blocked it out because she hates me so much now.

Tonight she told me that we “don’t have a relationship“. What does that even mean? Of course we have a relationship—I’m her mother. She says we don’t have anything in common. Hmm. We both read, we both write, we both like going to the used book store, we both obsess over certain music (even if it’s not always the same music), we both bake, we both like boys, we both have boobs. Whatever. We have shit in common.

In trying to make things better, I say yes to so much of what M asks of me. Not anything crazy. Mostly things like taking her to Target when she needs (or more accurately, wants) something. Somewhere in my head, I think doing these things will make her like me. And that saying no will make her hate me more. It’s so stupid. I shouldn’t have to buy my daughter’s love by catering to her every wish. Tonight she said that me doing things like this for her doesn’t mean we have a relationship.

However, if I don’t agree to what she asks, she will go to my husband instead and get it anyway because he tries to avoid conflict by giving in. Then he gets “credit” for it and she loves him and hates me. Not that me doing things for her makes her love me anyway (see above… that “doesn’t mean we have a relationship”).

I don’t have a job other than Mom. I am here for my kids all the time. Whatever they need, I’m here to help. My husband works until at least 6pm Monday through Friday. Yet both of my kids treat him like some kind of celebrity. I spend all my time doing whatever I can for them, and my husband is the one they love… or at least very strongly prefer.

I honestly don’t care if they prefer him and think he’s the better parent. I do, however, care that M thinks I’m an awful person and that we don’t have a relationship. That really hurts me. I told her that, but she didn’t seem to care. She has even told me that there are things I do that bother her, but when other people do those same things, they don’t bother her. I have no fucking idea what to do with that.

How can I possibly improve this situation (not calling it a relationship since according to her, we don’t have one)? It’s like there’s a separate set of rules for me, but I have no idea what those rules are.

I know I make mistakes. I know I should be better at parenting by now since my kids are 16 and 13. But I feel completely out of my depth here. I don’t know what to try anymore because everything I do is wrong. It might be right for someone else, but it’s wrong for me.

I’ve tried to talk to my husband about the situation with M, but he is useless. He barely responds. I get that he doesn’t have the answers, but I also feel like he doesn’t care that much because most of her issues seem to be with me, not him. Yeah, he’s fucking selfish like that. Charming, right?

So… my daughter hates me.

And she’s not the only one.
(In case it wasn’t clear, I also hate me.)

·•·

This isn’t exactly a favorite song of mine, but I felt like I pretty much had to include it here.

·•·

I don’t even have a witty comment to go along with my guys right now, but I’m not going to post without them. Maybe I’ve lost my mind, but I think I need them. Yeah, mind is lost.

    


p.s. — I wonder when I’ll be getting my “World’s Worst Mom” trophy. 

         
©2021 what sandra thinks

About what sandra thinks

Sandra is a writer, blogger, poet, artist, emotional disaster. She thinks far too much and sleeps far too little. Sandra lives in the Northeastern U.S. but dreams of an oceanfront home in Hawaii where she could learn to surf. She loves books, brutal honesty, coffee, and the color black. She hates insincerity, beer, whipped cream, and facebook. And she is uncomfortable talking about herself in the third person.
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62 Responses to she fuckin’ hates me.

  1. Hey, you shouldn’t let this change the way you think of yourself. We all go through phases, didn’t we not? Perhaps one day your daughter will be able to better process what she had to go through during this phase. But the fact that you care makes you a good parent. I won’t act like I know what’s going on, but you’re human too, and you don’t need to hate yourself. Take care!

    Liked by 2 people

    • Thank you. I think I feel the way I feel because I know I’ve made a lot of mistakes and while I can try to do better going forward, I can’t undo the mistakes I’ve made. They will always be there with whatever lasting effects they may have caused.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. I’m not sure this is at all helpful, but I think it’s fairly common. Especially at the age she is. All of mine, even the oldest, with autism, turned into devil spawns at one time, right around, or shortly after, hitting puberty. They were assholes, knowitalls, learned to talk smack, and generally thought they could have adult conversations and arguments. And, by the way, commenting about mutual respect, as if they were a peer or colleague. Nope. It didn’t fly. And required many…chats….about the hierarchy of parent to child. It took time, and locking away all potential weapons, because, you know, jail would suck. But anyway, my point is, it’ll get better. Again, not at all helpful. I know. Like, thanks for nothin’, dickwad. Right? But, it will. She’ll mature soon, and it’ll become something entirely different. Kill her with love, but stand your ground. Don’t take any shit. You’ve earned the right not to. 😊

    Liked by 3 people

    • It is helpful, in a way. I feel like this isn’t entirely normal. I think some degree of this is common, like you said, but the hurtful things she says are devastating. And it’s only with me. Sure, she fights with her brother and father, but nothing like she is with me.

      I also have a lot of guilt because some of her complaints about me aren’t entirely inaccurate. As I’ve said, I’ve made a lot of mistakes and I’m a shit parent. She doesn’t deserve that, but I don’t think I fully deserve the way she treats me either. She definitely thinks we’re on an even playing field, and no matter how many times I explain that we’re not, she doesn’t get it.

      Maybe I’m also struggling more with her because my son never did this. He’s not perfect and has his own issues, but he is much easier than her, if only because he grasps the parent-child hierarchy (but also for other reasons).

      By the way, I miss talking to you. Yes, even the sunshine and rainbows. Just thought I would let you know that. 🙂

      Liked by 2 people

  3. I’m not a parent and can only symapthise how hard it must be for you and for your family. If there are any root issues that are causing her unhappiness, it might be worth considering.

    Liked by 3 people

  4. If you really feel your daughter is off the charts with her Hate for you; I would suggest Counseling.. even if only for yourself. It really can help put things in perspective and it isn’t that expensive. They even have Phone Therapy like ‘7 Cups of Tea’ which helped me.

    Liked by 2 people

  5. Ogden Fahey says:

    She’ll some round . . . eventually! (this may take some time) XX 😮

    Liked by 2 people

  6. As a man I hesitate to offer any advice, or point of view, but I’m going to anyway! You can tell me to get lost if you wish!

    I have always freely admitted that I am oh so glad that I was not/am not a girl/woman. You really do have the short straw when it comes to what you have to endure.

    There are periods, boobs, childbirth, breast-feeding, peri menopause and menopause, all with the emotional highs and lows caused by hormones dancing a jig and doing the highland fling, sometimes at the same time!

    Add to that the fact that you have to prove, time and again, that you are equal, and deserve to be treated as such, to boys and men, that you are not just a sex object, or something to show off as a trophy. You have to fight, not just once, but every day, to be recognised for who you are, what you are, what a useful and important role you play in family, in work, and in society.

    Whether you are a home maker, a high-flying executive, a cleaner, bus driver, or engineer, makes no difference at all. You are important, you matter, you have tremendous worth, and the world cannot exist without you.

    In your personal situation: Right, so your daughter hates you! Not much you can do that will be a quick fix!

    It’s hardly surprising, and not at all unusual that a tweenage, or teenage, girl and her mother are going to clash big time. By the very nature of your body clocks you will both have raging hormones that will pay no attention to common sense or rational thought, they will just get on and do their own thing and you have to hang on to the reins and ride along.

    All you can do is reassure M that you love her, that she matters a great deal to you, and that you will always be there to help and support her whether she feels she needs it or not. No doubt you did so at the family meeting. Does she talk to your Mom? It’s often the case that teenagers will discuss their concerns with grandparents. I recently discovered that my daughter used to tell my next-door neighbour all her problems and my little girl is 46 on Friday!

    I know I’ve not supplied any solution, and our age gap means I have no experience of modern parenting. Beach always seems to give good advice, but you already know that.

    Love and hugs as always – and I went for a very small walk today – your turn now!

    Liked by 3 people

    • Thank you. I don’t expect anyone to have the answers. It just hurts so much to have her tell me that we have “no relationship” when I feel like I am always doing whatever I can to make my kids happy.

      To be honest, there is not a lot of happiness in my house, but I try so hard. I know I’m part of the problem (a big part) — my own issues affect everything I say and do. I am broken, depressed, and overly emotional. It’s impossible to hide those things from my family. Though I try, I fail.

      Despite all of those things, though, I don’t feel like I deserve much credit for being a woman. I am a failure. I have no job. I’m not a good mother. I have no friends. I am not happy in my marriage. And I don’t do anything to improve any of those things because I’m not strong. Not even a little bit. I don’t fight. My head tells me to try, but I can’t actually do it. So I don’t deserve anything good. “If I can’t help myself, no one else can help me.” I’m sure I’ve heard that somewhere. Maybe it’s true.

      I don’t understand why I can’t help myself. I know the right things to do, yet I don’t do them. It’s the depression, yes, but I am being treated for that. It’s not an excuse. I should be able to do *something* yet I don’t.

      Sure, the world cannot exist without women. But it could exist without this woman (points at self).

      Liked by 1 person

    • Hey Peter! I think you are letting the side down a bit there, mate!
      OK, OK …. we don’t have periods or menopause. But I looked in the mirror the other day and I’ve definitely got boobs. And I’ve always loved boobs. I’m a bit disappointed by mine, though. And childbirth? I went through that. Several times. Sure, there was a bit of blood and screaming in the minute or so before I passed out, but when I regained consciousness the baby was all rugged up and gurgling cheerfully everyone else was happy and smiling. It seemed fairly straight forward as far as I could tell. What’s the big deal? And as for proving that I’m not a sex object??? That has been a piece of cake. I’ve found it utterly impossible, on the other hand, to prove that I AM a sex object (I don’t think the boobs are helping).
      But when we run out of beer or the batteries go flat on the TV remote, who is the concerned husband running off to the shop to get more??? Who is the one guy in the house who tirelessly keeps himself up to date on all the sports results, in case someone asks??? Sometimes I think women don’t even care about that stuff.

      My own daughter refers to me as a fat, useless lump of lard. It’s just sarcasm, of course.
      But sometimes I still wonder.

      Liked by 2 people

  7. M says:

    Sorry that you are going through this. Being childfree, I won’t offer counsel except that it is clear that you are doing your best. 💜 And having been raised in a Caribbean household, my thoughts would not apply at all.

    Liked by 2 people

  8. Sarah Krebs says:

    Recognizing her feelings makes you a good mom. So know that you are not a bad mom. Not at all.

    No one gives us a book on this shit, it’s HARD. Mine are 9 & 4 and it’s already rough. While I read your post I saw a lot of myself in your daughter. But the shitty flip side is my mom didn’t care, she only pretended to. Have you thought about counseling? (I’m sure you have I’m sorry I’m babbling) Perhaps a weekend trip just the two of you? A talk with her pediatrician about your concerns; maybe it’s a chemical imbalance with her bodily changes going on.
    Also, you wrote your marriage is civil. She could sense that things are meh and acting out accordingly.

    I’m just trying to throw ideas out there. I hope I don’t come across as pushy or all knowing. I hope things change for the better for you two (/all). Sending hugs 🤗

    Liked by 2 people

    • I often worry that the not-so-lovey state of my marriage has a negative effect on my kids. But what can I do, really? I can’t leave even if I wanted to. But I also can’t pretend I’m head over heels. I feel trapped.

      The weird thing is that my daughter and I do things together relatively often. She’s a reader, so we go find new used book stores. We go shopping at other places. We stop for coffee. Nothing huge, but we do spend time together. During these times, she is mostly fine. Sometimes she gets a little snippy, but also sometimes, we laugh like crazy. The worst of it happens when we’re at home. Can’t avoid that!

      We have involved the pediatrician but we really didn’t get anywhere. Without wanting to go into any more detail, I’ll just say it’s a little complicated.

      Anyway, thank you for your thoughts. And nice to meet you. 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

  9. Well …. it could be that you are, indeed, a fucking useless mother, I suppose. But it’s odd that your son doesn’t seem to have noticed. Your daughter’s complaints might be a result of your total fucking uselessness which stands in stark contrast to her absolute amazingness as a daughter. I sort of doubt it, though.
    I have been around for a while and the one thing that I have noticed amongst totally fucking useless mothers (and fathers, for that matter) – the one thing that they have universally in common, in other words, is their apparent inability to identify themselves as totally fucking useless mothers (or fathers). It never even occurs to them to ask themselves the question.
    Good mothers, on the other hand, never seem to shut up about it – always beating themselves up about not being sufficiently perfect. Honestly ….. it’s enough to send us totally fucking useless fathers insane.

    If I was to write a book entitled ‘Brutus’s tips on motherhood’ (an unlikely best-seller, I admit) it would start something like this ….

    *Tip #1 Care about it.

    and since you so obviously seem to have a handle on Tip #1, I won’t bore you with the other 475 tips, because they aren’t really all that important.

    Liked by 2 people

  10. Im sorry this is going on. Im also inclined to just say its the teenage angst but you are convinced its not. I hope it gets better!!

    Liked by 2 people

  11. Simon says:

    Hi Sandra, not caught up in a while and it sounds like you’re in pain. Basically I think much of what you’re seeing is general teenage hatred directed at you, there is no reason for it. Having gone though a bit of this myself I know how destroying it could be.

    Another thought…. try and love yourself a little, kind ways to becasue your daughter may also be picking up on how you treat yourself. I hope things get a bit better 🙂

    Liked by 2 people

  12. mydangblog says:

    All you can do is keep loving her. Eventually things will change. My mother and I had a terrible relationship when I was a teenager, and if you’d told me then that she’d be one of the most important people in my life as an adult, I wouldn’t have believed you. Your husband really needs to step up though and role model appreciation for you instead of silently rejoicing in his place as the favourite–he’s not doing your daughter any favours by undermining you.

    Liked by 2 people

    • I’m not holding my breath on my husband stepping up. I talked to him about this (again) yesterday. He said he doesn’t “get” why the kids act like he’s the greatest, but aren’t like that with me. My daughter says we have nothing in common and my husband disagrees with that just as much as I do. But he’s not going to do anything about any of it. It’s easier for him to stay out of it because he sees himself as an island, not part of a team. Just something else I wish I’d realized about him many years ago.

      I just want to have a good relationship with my kids. And I don’t want my daughter to hate me so much.

      Liked by 1 person

  13. jrvincente says:

    You are nowhere near the worst Mom I’ve heard of. Not even the worst Mom I’ve heard of this week. I wish I had advice for you, but know that as a fellow mother who gets those same fights over nothing, I understand. *hugs*

    Liked by 2 people

  14. 100thatmom says:

    I’m a mom of three girls. 17,13,10 and the struggle is real! Mommin ain’t easy. When one of my threefold starting treating me like trash and not being respectful I decided to let them eat the words they said. I would provide what was required, not what they wanted. Three square meals a day. No one said they had to like it, just said I had to provide it. Clothes shoes, check but they don’t have to be on brand- Walmart wears the same. My teenager was quick to tell me everything I didn’t provide until they saw me provide only the basics. Stay strong. One day she will get it, and most likely you will give her the mother’s curse that my mom gave me. ❤️

    Liked by 2 people

  15. Kathy says:

    My daughter went from hating me at age 12 to cordial at age 16. By the time she was 21 we were best friends. It was hell, those four teenage years. I’ve seen it happen with others as well. Strangely enough, learning to love and be compassionate to myself helped. I remember other people saying it was just as a phase but it was so scary to be in it—because you just didn’t know.

    Liked by 2 people

    • Right not, it really is hard to believe it’s just a phase. I hope that’s the case.

      Loving and taking care of myself feels impossible. It’s just never really been a priority for me. My mind just plays all my mistakes on repeat, making me feel like a failure. How can I love such a failure?

      Liked by 1 person

  16. secretdiaryofarealmum says:

    I really feel for you. I have experienced similar but not to the extent you have. Part of me just wants to say to just keep your distance as much as you can and don’t rise to it when she starts. Let your husband do it all. Hopefully she will grow out of it and be ashamed of this behaviour as she gets older. Don’t blame yourself it doesn’t mean you are a terrible mother!

    Liked by 2 people

    • I try not to engage when she starts. But I do have trouble with that. What throws me off even more are the times when she and I get along great… like we used to.

      I’d love to leave it all to my husband, but he won’t step up, unfortunately.

      Liked by 1 person

  17. m11bna says:

    You are so freaking awesome!! Keep being you ♥️. She will come round.
    Sending loads of love and hugs your way.
    You got this mamabear ❤️

    Liked by 2 people

  18. Pingback: I did a thing. | what sandra thinks

  19. Jesus, I am sorry you have to put up with all that. You sound like a great mother and you don’t deserve any of that hassle that your daughter is giving you.

    I really hope it is a phase and that she will grow up very soon.

    Keep your head held high and do your best like you have been doing, it won’t always be this way.

    Liked by 1 person

  20. Adeshinakabirat says:

    You are doing well as a parent. People made mistakes but it is not what your daughter should judge you for. After all, you are family.
    She will surely come around. It will be fine soon.

    Liked by 1 person

  21. I can’t imagine how hard it is for you. I’m too young to understand your condition. I can only say. Stay motivated and you can. I follow your blog. I learned a lot here.

    Liked by 1 person

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