[I know… it’s only been a week and I’ve already changed my header.
Maybe I’ll make a new one for each week. That’ll be fun.
Probably only for me, but whatever.]
March 8
Do you think you’re currently operating at 100% capacity?
Fuck no! I’m barely operating at all. This question actually made me laugh. Like, aloud.
I have zero motivation, zero drive, zero ambition… zero goals. Having no purpose (see March 4) really puts a damper on those things. I can think of things I could be doing… stuff like finally reorganizing and purging some stuff from my kitchen cabinets. Do I really need four 10-inch frying pans? I think not. Eight cookie sheets? I think not. You get the idea. And then there’s the bookcase. Holy shit, I don’t even know how to weed anything out of that thing. But it’s overly packed.
[These are not my actual bookshelves. I wish!]
Nothing exciting or life-changing, but… things I could do. Yet I cannot find the will to do them. Most days, it’s a struggle to even get out of bed. I mean, what’s the point? I’ve got nowhere to be… nothing to do… no one really needs me. I am inconsequential.
p.s. — I think I was operating at 100% capacity in my early-to-mid 20s. I had a decent job (although it wasn’t really going anywhere so maybe I wasn’t quite at 100% on this front), I had good friends, I dated, I had a social life, I had a regular coffee shop where the guy knew me and surprised me with random coffee drinks (yes, this is important), the old lady at the Chinese takeout place a block away knew me by name. It was probably the only time in my adult life that I felt happy. Well… as happy as I’m capable of feeling, anyway.
I can pinpoint two specific things that destroyed all of it. Fuck, how I wish I could go back and do whatever it took to stop those two things from happening. My whole life would be different—and so much better—right now. [I suppose I can’t know for sure that it would be better, but the odds totally support that.]
p.p.s. — That was a long p.s.
[Thanks to my lovely friend Marquessa for this 31 questions challenge.]
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what sandra thinks 
Would an assassin help? I have a secret sideline!
Loved this bit of self analysis Sandra, and I’d love to delve through those book shelves.
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It’s probably too late for an assassin to help. [Unless I would be the target. Sorry, that was extra dark, even for me.] If needed, I suppose I could use any of my numerous frying pans to beat someone senseless. But again, probably the one who needs the beating is me. But that would probably be to knock some sense into me, not out.
My bookshelves aren’t that interesting, unlike whatever may be lurking in that photo. Mine is all children’s books (even though my kids are too old for all of them now), tons of romance (I keep it in my books since I can’t/don’t have it in my life), cookbooks, and some of the kids’ stuff like Harry Potter and Percy Jackson.
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sending you love………..
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Thank you… ❤
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absolutely!!!!
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I get your p.s. It would be amazing to turn back the hands of time and take a different route…
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If only I could undo those 2 specific things. Or even just the first one because then the second may never have happened!
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I hate when you know what changed things, but that you can’t do anything about it.
It was a long ps, but I love your ps-es. 🙂
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It really sucks. It’s not even a question where I went wrong. I know exactly what ruined me. I hope reincarnation is real and that I get to keep my knowledge from this life in my next. God, I would do things differently!
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