Here’s my dilemma. Maybe that’s the wrong word. But I can’t think of a better one. [That’s telling. My inability to write is so strong that I can’t even find the word I need.]
I’ll just explain myself now.
Sometimes at night as I lie in bed reading on my phone, I feel a little motivated. Inspired, even. My mood is lifted. I’m not skipping around in a field of flowers blowing sunshine out my ass or anything. My mood is never lifted that much. But feeling even a little bit motivated and inspired does wonders for my well-being.
I’ll lie there between chapters coming up with all sorts of projects I could do around the house or ideas for writing stories. Most of the time, I even write these things down. And I actually feel like I can do them—the house stuff and the writing. But not at 1 – 2 – 3am. Tomorrow. I can do them tomorrow. These feelings come from around 11pm until I fall asleep. Terrible as it is, lately sleep comes between 4 and 5am.
Then morning comes. Well, it’s already morning. But I mean my ‘morning‘ which is around 11 since by the time I finally fall asleep, the birds have started chirping and traces of sunshine are peeking through my windows. Unless it’s not a sunny day. But you get the picture. My alarm goes off, which I set only because I have no idea when the hell I’d wake up without it, not because I have any reason to wake up.
When I hear the alarm, I grab my phone and silence it. I continue reading for a while, picking up from where I left off when I dropped my phone on my face when I finally fell asleep in the wee hours of the morning. Why don’t I get out of bed right away? Because I don’t see the point. I feel empty. Gaping hole inside me. I have nothing to do.
Right. I have plenty to do. All those projects and ideas I had before I fell asleep. Those things. But it’s morning and every trace of motivation and inspiration I felt at 2am is long gone. My lifted mood has taken a nose dive. Does sleep murder those things? That’s a violent image. I think I might be really fucked up. No, I’m sure I am.
Eventually, I do drag my lazy ass out of bed. And I am most definitely dragging. I don’t want to be out of bed. It’s such a chore. All of it… getting up, showering, getting ready for my empty day. I do the things I have to do. You know, dishes, cleaning, other random mom stuff. I feel like I’m only doing the minimum. Probably because I’m only doing the minimum.
Why does the motivation, the inspiration, the decent mood come at night like that? At night—when I’m not going to get up and reorganize my kitchen cabinets… or write… or paint the bathroom… or dust and vacuum… or clear out old books and clothes? And why is the motivation and inspiration and decent mood gone when I wake up and could [and should] do these things? Do I feel motivated and inspired at the wrong time because my brain knows I won’t do anything about it at that time? Is this another cruel joke the powers-that-be are playing on me? Some fucked up torture?
I’m an analyzer. I want to know why this happens. I don’t know if it’s because I think knowing the reason will help me find a solution or if it’s just a mystery to solve. I don’t know if knowing why would change anything. But it kills me that this is how it is. Every damn day.
It’s not even just the loss of motivation, inspiration, and decent mood. In the morning… during the afternoon… it’s not just that I’m missing those things. I’m also missing, well, everything. I am empty. Purposeless. Bored. Sad. Lonely. Alone [not literally, yet still alone].
If I have something I absolutely have to do outside the house—somewhere I have to be, my mood isn’t as bad. Motivation and inspiration have still gone to hell, but I feel okay-ish. Unfortunately, I haven’t had anywhere to be due to stay-at-home recommendations… and due to my life being empty. The answer to the mood thing is clear: leave the house every day. Problem is, unless I *must* be somewhere, I can’t motivate myself to go out.
Last week, I had a routine appointment with my doc that was actually not canceled [like most things have been for months]. And I felt human that day. I wore a little make-up for the first time in nearly three months. No lipstick because, really, what’s the point while wearing a mask? And I had a nice chat with my doc, who I adore, about kids and life and whatever else came up.
The next day, I took my son to karate. His instructor has started having very small classes. Like, only four kids and him all spread out in the studio. Even though it was just giving my kid a ride, grabbing a coffee, and picking him up, it was something I had to do. [Well, not the coffee, I guess. I didn’t *have to* do that. No, I take it back. Yes I did.]
Mom says I should go out for coffee every morning as though it’s an appointment. But it’s the same problem I keep repeating. My brain knows it’s not required so I can’t motivate myself to do it. Plus, I really don’t need to drop money on coffee every day. I have tons at home already. I know where she’s coming from, though. I need a schedule and I need to stick to it. But, again, not required = no motivation.
It sucks that I have to be forced to leave the house. What the hell is wrong with me? I mean, really. If I *know* something is going to make me feel better, why can’t I just fucking do it? Being productive… accomplishing something—anything—gives me a lift… and sometimes a trace of that motivation and inspiration comes with it. I wish there was a pill for that. The motivation and inspiration pill. Sign me up!
I have a theory.
I carry a tremendous amount of guilt because I don’t have a job. This is not a pandemic-related situation. I got laid off a long [loooong] while back and never found a new job. [And gave up and can’t really not be around now for various reasons that I won’t bother detailing.] Because of this guilt, I feel awful during the time I ‘should‘ be at work… when I used to be at work—daytime. I’m justified in being home in the evenings and at night so I’m better during those times.
However, this doesn’t explain the weekends. I’m ‘justified‘, to use my own word, in being home on the weekends, but I feel terrible anyway. Maybe that’s husband-related. He irritates the hell out of me a lot of the time. But he’s also home in the evenings and at night so why are the weekends different? Maybe the longer he’s around the more annoyed I am. You may laugh. I just did.
And the other part of my theory… the part about not being able to do what I know is going to make me feel better—
I’ve never been confident, but at this point, I’ve lost all sense of self-worth. I feel like a waste of a human. I think I’m subconsciously punishing myself, and that’s why I can’t bring myself to do things even if I know they’re going to make me feel better. My subconscious doesn’t think I deserve to feel better.
Of course, these theories don’t change a damn thing. So maybe I don’t really have a question here. Maybe I’m just explaining myself for no apparent reason. Maybe I just wish I had someone who could hold my hand and make me go places and do things. Like, literally drag me out of bed, take my hand and pull me out the door. Maybe I just wish I had someone. Period.
Who the fuck knows?
p.s. — This post was born from a draft from last November. That’s right, seven months ago. I had these thoughts then. I still have them now. That’s just fucking fabulous… seven months and nothing has improved. I’m the best human ever. So amazing and well-adjusted.
p.p.s — Damn, I disappear for a month and when I come back, I write a fucking book. If only I could write an actual book. You know, my romance novel… not this psychobabble.
©2020 what sandra thinks
what sandra thinks 
omg, wow reading this I was like sameee. At times I also tend to get that same kind of motivation during the night, and then I wake up and I’m like ugh what was I think, I am definitely not going to do any of those things
LikeLiked by 1 person
It’s so frustrating. Why can’t I just get motivated at a time when I could actually do things? It feels like a cruel joke…
LikeLiked by 1 person
Exactly!! I don’t know about you though, but when I can actually do the things I wanted to but don’t have the motivation, I don’t even care. Like I’m not thinking I want to do this but I have no motivation, it’s like they were all stupid ideas, I can’t be bothered and even if I could I wouldn’t
LikeLiked by 1 person
Sometimes I feel like that… I don’t even think about that stuff. But often, I do sit there and remember all those things and get frustrated that I can’t do any of them…
LikeLiked by 1 person
It’s sad when I know how excited I was about my ideas, and how much I wanted to see them through at the time, and yeah sometimes I wish I had that motivation all the time, cause then I think, damn I could actually be successful….. but here we are. Loving the reality
LikeLiked by 1 person
Great to see you as always Sandra even if it is a seven month old book that you’ve written. I think I’m catching some of your procrastination. You’d think, that with the lockdown, we’d all have more time to do things. I read of people sorting out drawers and cupboards, having a perfectly manicured garden and lawn, taking up baking again etc etc. Well, not me! I’m always finding excuses to put things off until later, and later, and later still. What the hell. It’ll get done eventually – Maybe!!!!!
Love and hugs to you. Now pick up another draft from way back and work on it!
LikeLiked by 1 person
Why is it that when we have time to do things, we get nothing done, yet when we are busy, we wish we had more time to get things done?
Of course, I haven’t been truly ‘busy’ for a very long time…
LikeLiked by 1 person
Just write. I have enjoyed reading your stuff for years. All of it. I just wish you’d write. Preferably, not seven months in between posts though.
Skipping through a field of flowers blowing rainbows out your ass?!? That sounds like something I’d say! I’m gonna steal it. 😏
LikeLiked by 1 person
I’m not gonna lie… I thought of you when I wrote that bit about the field of flowers.
I want to write. Lately though, whenever I do, it’s all this anxiety-ridden depressing shit that fills my head. I don’t have anything else in me. It feels like I’m gone and depression and anxiety is all that’s left. I’m lost. I don’t live… I merely survive out of necessity. I’m empty. Who the hell wants to read me writing about that?
LikeLiked by 1 person
You might be surprised. I’m guessing you aren’t alone in those feelings, and your words may inspire conversation with some in the same boat. Or, use your life experience to create characters people can relate to. Maybe? 🤔
LikeLiked by 1 person
I’m sure you’re right… people may relate. But it’s not like I’m offering anything useful. I’m not offering help or solutions.
I always infuse bits of myself into my characters, but never to the extent of my actual level of fucked-up-ed-ness. After all, my writing is about fiction… fantasy (not fantasy in a unicorn way, but you know what I mean). I wouldn’t want any of my ‘made up’ characters to be as messed up as I am. That would just be depressing.That’s not to say that my characters aren’t flawed. There’s rampant insecurity and fear and even anxiety. But not to the degree I experience in real life…
LikeLiked by 1 person
Again, you might be surprised. People can relate, and it feels authentic coming from someone they can empathize with. But, somehow maybe make her character save the day, getting way outta her comfort zone in the process. Maybe? 🤔
LikeLiked by 1 person
I do kind of like writing ‘broken’ people… but, of course, they’re always ‘fixed’ (or at least better) by the end…
LikeLiked by 1 person
Not necessarily. Just dig deep and survive a bad situation. But, they’re still themselves. Ya’ know? Just a thought.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Glad to see you back. I suffer from the same type of lack of motivation. Thankfully, one of my partners gets up early every day and I have used seeing him/talking to him as a motivating tool to get me out of bed in the morning. It’s been working for now. I’m holding onto it for dear life, because I don’t want to spend half the day in bed! But yeah… I can empathize with that.
LikeLiked by 1 person
I’m dead asleep when my husband leaves for work in the morning. I don’t hear a thing! I really do think I need someone to physically drag me around to get me to do things.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Maybe a job would do you good? My friend had one, but she hated it, but then now she says she loves it, cos she got a job at a place she likes – she makes cakes at a craft cake shop, and she loves doing all that. She was working from home doing it, but I don’t think she got the customers she needed, or else she just needed to get out the house more 🙂
LikeLike
Sure, yeah, a job. I’ll just pick one from the dozens out there waiting for me. Oh wait, there is nothing for me. I have been looking for a job on and off for years now. Nothing. I have tried looking into working at home and not at home. I have looked into everything I could think of and everything anyone else has ever suggested. Nothing. And now my kids are used to me being around whenever they need me for anything… so I don’t know how I could even have a job. Who would drive them around? They would have no way to go anywhere. It’s not like I have friends who could help out. I don’t have friends. And the other thing is my back pain. I can’t just take a job in a store or restaurant or anything like that because I can’t be on my feet all day.
I hate talking about the job thing. I’m stuck in an impossible situation. I have tried everything… There is no solution.
And having been unemployed for so long and having more and more social anxiety as time goes by, I don’t even know if I could work. It scares me. Quarantine has made out so much worse, too. I’m anxious to go out for coffee. I’m anxious to leave the house.
I’m a huge mess. No one would hire me for anything.
LikeLike
Wow this is so relatable. Its true sometimes even when you are doing everything you are supposed to do it still doesnt feel enough. Although i feel i like i have been through this phase before the ‘no-job-guilt’ phase. Although i am too young to advice you really. But I would only suggest that ‘keep looking’ and try networking or freelancing…I am sure something will pop up for you.
LikeLike
I am not good with networking. I have no friends… have lost contact with old work colleagues. I have no connections. And I have looked for freelance-type work for years. There is nothing for me. I don’t have what anyone wants or needs. People always make it sound like it’s so simple… just get a job… find something to work from home… do some freelance work. But it’s not simple at all. There are no opportunities just sitting there for the taking. And I have searched. Nothing. Yet people always say these things like it’s so basic and simple. It’s not. In fact, it’s the opposite. Nothing is going too just come up for me. It’s been a few years. The more time that goes by, the less likely it is that anyone would hire me for anything… ever.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Hi dear🙋♀️ Hope ur doing well. It’s been a while since I have seen u. Why dont u start writing that book? U have all the time now on ur side
LikeLiked by 1 person
If only I had inspiration and motivation to go along with that time…
LikeLike
Surely theres something that interests u my dear
LikeLiked by 1 person
I used to think so… but lately, nothing holds my interest…
LikeLike
I wish there was something I could say to help but I’m sure you’ve probably thought of it all already. It’s especially hard to get motivated right now when there’s the added anxiety of Covid. But do you have agoraphobia? It sounds like a lot of the symptoms maybe. I have a friend who has it and it makes her really depressed.
LikeLiked by 1 person
I don’t know if I have agoraphobia. I have some of the symptoms… but not all. I have a ton of unreasonable fears. My mind is always creating worst-case scenarios… like, constantly.
Lately, one thought that keeps coming up involves driving. I’ve been home so much that I haven’t been driving much. I have been trying to get myself to go for a drive every few days for a break from my house and kids, but my mind starts filling with thoughts of car accidents and things like that. And I think that if something did happen, I’d be really angry with myself since I never had to leave the house in the first place. It gets to the point where I don’t leave the house. Or maybe if I manage to leave, I’m anxious the whole time. Sometimes, though, I feel better once I’m out… and once I arrive back home.
I am just a mess! Last night I started having that awful feeling I usually only get during the day… but it was around 10pm. I got really scared, thinking… oh crap, am I going to feel this way *all* the time now?
LikeLike