Hey You,
I always feel like I’m repeating myself when I write to you. I tell you how much I appreciate you, need you, wish you were here. I tell you that I wonder why the hell you want to be my friend when I’m so… challenging, shall we say. I mean, come on… most of the time, I’m not a lot of fun. Or any fun. But knowing you, you’ll say that I am. And I’ll know that you’re not ‘just being nice‘ because you don’t do that. Which I love.
I believe that you believe the things you tell me when you explain to me why I’m not the waste of space I think I am. I have never doubted your sincerity. But I feel your frustration at me not being able to believe those things within myself. I wish I could believe them for you. Yeah, for me, too. But for you.
Here is where you tell me that I’m crazy for wanting to do that for you when it’s about me feeling better… when I should want to do it for me. But I want to be a good friend. I want you to know that even though I fail, your belief in me helps me. You make more of an effort to understand me than anyone else in my life.
I don’t know what else to say… since I’ve said it all before. But I’ll repeat this again, too: Thank you.
Love,
p.s. — You know I’d be nervous as hell to get together if we were ever in the same damn state. I’d be having anxiety from hell. But I would do everything in my power to get myself there. Don’t you feel special?
©2020 what sandra thinks
what sandra thinks 
Awesome letter, Sandra! Well written, well done! xoxo
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Thank you!
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Uh Huh…You are fun. Go back and look at some of these A – Z posts, they’re funny as fuck. I love your sense of humor! I also believe in you, I mean I REALLY believe in you. Know why? Because you are unique, exceptional, brutally honest and a very sincere person. Those traits right there make quite the combination with your talent. I’ll always be here for you and I appreciate that you’re always there for me. 🙂
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I haven’t been happy with my posts for this challenge for the most part, to be honest. I don’t think they’re my best. But, hell, I don’t know what “my best” is anymore. It makes me feel so good knowing that you believe it me. I just don’t know how you do it! I don’t believe in myself at all. I see so many bad things… so much that’s so wrong. I can’t find anything else.
Good thing I’m unique… the world might collapse if there was another me!
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When this stupid pandemic thing is over and we can safely fly again, I’m coming to visit you! Stay safe and sane and well, my friend 😘
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I can do safe… not sure about sane…
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I feel really good, and you should do too. Even if it’s just a teeny tiny little bit then that is great, it’s what all of the you’s out here are hoping for. We aren’t just being nice, we feel good about you and just want you to feel a little bit of that too!
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I know you said you think I will feel better someday, but I just don’t. How can I believe that when I’ve felt terrible for so long… so many years? If I can’t do something to change things, nothing is going to change. And I can’t seem to do anything.
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Just allow a tiny bit of love to sneak in around the edges, it will eat away at the bad feelings bit by bit. Love and hugs, and I look forward to your next post.
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You looking for a piece of ass? 😉 XX ❤
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Yes! 😋
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You are fun! I’ve read so many posts that show you are fun.
Yes, it might have been a while now but it don’t mean you aren’t fun!
Congratulations on completing the A-Z challenge!!
Z is for Zeal
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I’m sure part of feeling like I’m not fun is that I’m not happy. I just don’t think that’s in the cards for me.
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Happy is in everyone’s cards. Believe me, everyone deserves to be happy! And we don’t have to burden ourselves to feel happy.. I mean it’s a feeling.. just like how we can’t force ourselves to feel love..
And I know sadness or all the negatively associated feelings maybe the ones that are predominantly present but it don’t mean we can’t be happy or we don’t deserve to be happy.. or that it ain’t for us!
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My problem is that I just don’t feel happy. I can’t force it… but it’s also just not there. I have similar issues with love.
But happiness? I don’t have any. I try to do things to feel better, going happiness will come, but it never does. I don’t think I’ve felt true happiness since I was a child.
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Okay
But maybe don’t think about it.
Hear me out.
You said you haven’t felt true happiness since you were a child. Could one of the reasons be that you didn’t want to feel happy? In the sense, you never focused on being happy all the time.. you just did whatever that kids do and happiness came along with it..
So.. even now… maybe.. while you are doing the things to make you feel better, don’t make yourself do it by telling yourself.. do this you’ll feel happy. We don’t work like that.. we are complicated without a doubt..
And maybe if you can, try doing those same activities you did when you were a child.. I think you’ll get what I mean..
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I understand what you mean. You’re right… I didn’t think about what to do to be happy when I was a kid. But my life was quite different then in a lot of ways… and not just because I was young. The circumstances… my life… relationships with my family… having friends… Things are not good like they were back then. My life is so different now… not really good at all.
I don’t even know what I’d do now that I did then. Go outside and play with my sisters in my parents’ back yard? Go on a family vacation? I have no money for that… or for anything (plus quarantine so I’m not going anywhere even if I had money… which I don’t). I mean, those are the kinds of things. I don’t even enjoy being outside anymore!
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If it weren’t different how else would you differentiate between then and now!?
Have you tried asking yourself why you don’t like being outside anymore?
You should spend some time with yourself.. some quiet time.. and ask yourself some hard but vital questions.. maybe the answer lies within you..
And if you have tried this already and not found answers.. spend that quiet time with yourself anyway.. read.. paint.. or just look at the sky..
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Outside, there are bugs and dirt and … yuck. I don’t know when I changed. I used to help my parents do yard stuff all the time. I used to be outside whenever I could. Now I’m lazy (NP says it’s the depression) and I have no desire to be outside except for the occasional walk and maybe sitting there in the sun.
It’s been so hard to spend time alone because of the quarantine. The kids aren’t going to school so even though my husband is still going to work, I am here with the kids… constantly. Sometimes, I go out for a drive alone to escape (kids are 12 and 15… they can stay home alone)… but there’s nowhere to go so I don’t stay out long. Plus I’d love my alone time to be at home. I guess I could lock myself in the bedroom, but the kids might come to the door asking for me… for things… for no reason at all… Haha.
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Maybe you can establish a time.. an hour or so.. where the kids do something they love and you get to be holed up in your room or sit out.. basking the sunlight!
They get do what they want and so do you 🙂
Yeah.. and as kids.. we’d do whatever we could.. wouldn’t care if we got dirty in the process!
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I used to play with frogs and worms. I wonder what happened to me?!?
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We grew up..!
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I guess that’s true…
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Whoops, I thought this was the post for Z for some reason.. Sorry!
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🙂 Yeah… it’s the last day today… it’s 7:20 pm where I am… and I haven’t written Z yet. I have no idea what to write. This may be the year I fail.
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That sounds like a good one to write a letter too, especially the kind you’ll never have to really send.
I hope you and yours are staying safe and healthy during this difficult time.
J Lenni Dorner~ Co-host of the #AtoZchallenge, Debut Author Interviewer, Reference& Speculative Fiction Author
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I seem to write a lot of letters I never send! Maybe one day, I’ll have the courage to send one that really should be sent.
I hope you’re safe and healthy, too.
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