letters | u/universe #atozchallenge

letters | a to z | what sandra thinks

Dear Universe,

Why are you punishing me?

I’m tired of feeling like I need to hide from my life. I have no peace. I can’t get a break. I’m afraid I’m going to snap.

Do you want to know what brought this on? Well, I’m going to tell you anyway. I almost hate to because I don’t want you to think I don’t absolutely love my daughter. I adore her. But I feel that you’re trying to give me some kind of test. And I think I’m getting a big fat F.

Is it normal for a daughter to get annoyed with her mother for simply being the parent? It is? Yes? Then why do I feel like shit when she gets mad at me for it? Am I doing something wrong? Maybe it’s just my fragile mental state. But it has always been this way for me. [The ‘feeling like shit’ and the ‘fragile mental state’.]

So… I can be the parent and I feel guilty. Or I can give in and know that it’s wrong. (It is wrong, right?) I’m so confused. One way makes me feel guilty, the other makes me feel like a failure. Neither is a winning choice. I tend toward the failure/give in option because then I’m the only one who’s upset. With the other option, both she and I are upset.

To add insult to injury, the husband came home in a bitchy mood from work last night.

[Aside: For the record, his ‘essential’ job is in an office. He is not in healthcare or any job where he’s in close proximity to others. It just happens that his company supplies equipment to industries like water, gas, oil, and other essentials.]

He walked in at an inopportune moment—just as I was [calmly, I might add] telling my daughter that her attitude was not acceptable nor appreciated. Then my husband snapped at me the moment I spoke to him. As though I did something wrong. When I called him out on it, first, he denied snapping at me. Clearly a lie because then he gave an explanation for snapping at me—he doesn’t like when the first thing he hears when he walks in is conflict. Boo fucking hoo. Does he want to trade places? Stay home all day with the kids instead of go to work? No, he doesn’t. I’ve asked him.

Then I felt even worse than I did before. Like I did something [else] wrong. Like I should have just kept my mouth shut. In fact, I only spoke if necessary for the rest of the evening. And this, combined with the crap with my daughter, had me in tears. I literally went into the bathroom to cry so no one would see or hear me.

I just don’t get it. I know I shouldn’t let anyone walk all over me so why do I feel so guilty and terrible when I don’t let them?

Why are you doing this to me?

Fuck.

p.s. — I’m really struggling. I know I got myself here so it really is my own fault, but is there any way you can help me? Do you want me to beg?

p.p.s. — Maybe this is all magnified because of fucking quarantine, but truthfully, I don’t think it is. It’s not really new. Please help me. This is me begging.

 

         
©2020 what sandra thinks

About what sandra thinks

Sandra is a writer, blogger, poet, artist, emotional disaster. She thinks far too much and sleeps far too little. Sandra lives in the Northeastern U.S. but dreams of an oceanfront home in Hawaii where she could learn to surf. She loves books, brutal honesty, coffee, and the color black. She hates insincerity, beer, whipped cream, and facebook. And she is uncomfortable talking about herself in the third person.
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21 Responses to letters | u/universe #atozchallenge

  1. I wish she wouldn’t make you feel like shit. You’re doing the best you can do. I just hope one day when she is a Mom she will understand. They say it comes back twofold. LOL

    Liked by 1 person

    • Something already happened again today. She just doesn’t get that I’m the parent here. Or she ignores it. We went for a drive… all good. We get home and she heads for her room and I say, “hey you didn’t wash your hands.” No yelling, no nothing. She says “I’m only touching my phone and I was already holding that on the car.” I told her she is on her bed… So… She gets up to wash her hands and gets all mad at me. Like I was mean to her. And then she goes on and on about how I’m always so mean to her. 😥

      Like

      • Honestly.. I don’t know.. does she not listen cause it’s coming from you or because she doesn’t know that it is a pandemic and just washing your hands can help prevent it.

        And about all the other things.. maybe try sitting her down once. Ask her to just listen and not say a word but if she really wants then she can at the end and you’ll listen to her then without interrupting her. Just speak your mind out and explain to her. Despite that if she doesn’t understand then at least you will feel better getting it out of your system.

        And kinda knowing you, you’d probably reject the above method. So instead, write a handwritten letter. Addressing it to her, everything you want to tell her. Don’t leave a detail. And after you are done, you can burn it. Watching it is pretty satisfactory. Or if you aren’t comfortable with that, just keep it safe somewhere.

        Liked by 1 person

        • I don’t know if she doesn’t listen just because it’s me. I’m sure she understands the pandemic situation. She does seem to pick fights with me all the time. But she does it to my husband, too. It’s just more with me. But my husband is at work… and I’m here…. so of course it’s more with me. Sometimes she does it to her brother, too.

          I do feel like we have talked it out. But here’s what I think happens. She isn’t fully listening. I think the whole time I’m talking, she’s thinking about what she’s going to say to me… without even truly hearing me.

          Do you know what I mean?

          It’s like reading while someone’s talking to you… you end up reading the same paragraph five times because you have no idea what you just read because of the distraction. She’s distracted by her own thoughts while I’m talking so she’s not really listening to me. I don’t know how I can possibly fix that… make it so she’s really listening.

          I do hear what she’s saying to me. Most of it boils down to her not really getting that we are not equals.

          I don’t treat my kids poorly. If anything, I give in too much… I’m too nice. I’m always willing to do anything for them. I only say no to something if I really have to. They have it pretty damn good.

          I wrote some of this down last night, actually. After I wrote this post. I kind of kept going. But then today happened and I just don’t know what to do anymore. My husband is no help either… he has no idea what to do.

          Liked by 1 person

          • Yes I know what you mean!

            Okay maybe instead of giving it to her verbally, show her the written version. That way you can get your point across even if she does wander off to think what her response would be.

            And for her satisfaction, cause I’m sure she doesn’t believe you when you say you are listening to her, she can write one too.

            Yeah, picking those extra fights definitely has to do with being cooped up inside all day. You all could take a short walk around.. just for a couple of mins.

            Liked by 1 person

            • Sometimes when she gets really upset or even feels bad that she misbehaved, she will write me or my husband a note. I hate to say it, but it usually makes me feel worse. Part of it is usually apologetic, and the other part of it is kind of telling me or him that we made her feel bad. I never want to hear that from my kids! But I really don’t think I did anything mean… just being the parent.

              You know, she is an excellent student and is an angel at school. Her whole life her teachers have told me how she is the best student they have… grades, behavior, willingness to help others… you name it. I think that’s part of what makes this so confusing. It’s like the only adults she ever disrespects are her parents.

              Anyway… I don’t know if I will write anything down for her. Honestly, I hate to bring up the whole situation during times when nothing is going on… times when things are good.

              Liked by 1 person

              • Well that’s cause she is close to you guys and loves you both. Teens usually disrespect and fight mostly at home. To every other adult they are sweet souls. Not that they aren’t, it’s just that they don’t get to see this side of them!
                Makes sense?

                What you try to convey to them is what is in their best interests. Most times they don’t listen when you convey it softly and that forces you to be harsh. So really, don’t feel bad or guilty. It is all a part of the process.

                Liked by 1 person

                • I understand… and I would rather her be ‘bad’ at home than anywhere else. It’s just do frustrating and upsetting, though. It’s like, I’m her mom… why can’t I get the best of her? Why does it seem that I get the worst?

                  My daughter hits me with this gem every so often: “I know, Mom, you can do whatever you want because you’re the parent, but I can’t.” I have explained to her that I sure as hell can’t do whatever I want (I wish), but that she does have to respect me as a parent, and yes, I don’t answer to anyone in this house — but she does. She thinks that’s ‘unfair’. I think it’s normal… and as it should be. She’s a kid! She’s not paying bills or taking care of the house or the children. You’ve got to earn it, I guess could be a way to put it. But she continues to fail to grasp the fact that we are not on equal footing. If she does something wrong and I tell her so, she might say, “Well, you do it.” And I tell her that I’m sorry if it sounds unfair, but the rules for me and the rules for her are not the same. I can drive and she can’t, for example. Different rules…

                  Liked by 1 person

      • She’s using you as her “mental” punching bag. Just remember she’s a teenager. Seems like Mom’s have issues with the terrible two’s but the teenage years prove to be worse if you ask me. So many of my friends have the same scenario’s. I’m so sorry. 😦

        Liked by 1 person

        • Maybe she’s still in her terrible twos. They’re just going to last 15 years or so… *sigh* I hate how terrible I feel. She really does make me feel like it’s my fault and I feel so guilty… I feel like I really did do something wrong, but I can’t see what.

          After what happened a few hours ago, a couple of hours passed and she came to me and gave me a hug. I’m so confused. The sad thing is that I know something will happen again…

          Like

  2. jrvincente says:

    I feel like a terrible parent about 90% of the time for the same reasons you describe. You are not alone. Other people tell me I’m a good mom, but I just…I don’t see it. I give in too much, I snap too often. I can’t win. I wish there were an easy way to fix it, but hey, my older kids seem to have turned out okay.

    Liked by 1 person

    • I am the same. Like, exactly. I give in too much and I snap too often. I worry constantly about how my kids are going to turn out and anything that’s not perfect (or at least really good) is my fault. Or that’s what I think, anyway. They are 12 (girl) and 15 (boy). My son doesn’t really belong to any friend group… he’s just friends with some kids from different groups. So he feels left out a lot even though he has friends. He talks to them through xbox while they play games. My daughter is on facetime with the same couple of girls all the time. I don’t limit screen time at all. Schoolwork comes first, but then I let them do whatever they want.

      Anyway… I’m rambling. But I feel the same way you feel. And the worrying… it’s out of control!

      Like

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