I usually write when I feel like ass.
Wow, what a fabulous opening line from a girl who hasn’t posted for nearly a month.
Okay, back to feeling like ass. I guess I write when I feel that way because I’m looking for support. Yes, I freely admit that. That’s me. Needy as hell. I don’t have any friends… I only have you. [Not that you are not friends, but you know what I mean.] I am lonely.
The most social interaction I have is a monthly talk with my MH nurse practitioner. She doesn’t do talk therapy… it’s not like that. It’s just a check-in. But for me it’s more. She has the ability to point out what’s good when I only see what’s bad. And she tells me that the ‘advice‘ (I use the term *very* loosely) I get from some, usually unsolicited, is total crap. That helps me because I take to heart what people say to me, and I feel inadequate… I feel like a failure. Like, more than usual. But I shouldn’t because it’s not that simple. It never is.
No one is me. [Lucky you!] No one truly understands what I feel or what I am/am not capable of. So suggestions and advice make me feel worse because… see above. I fail.
Wow, a tangent. Imagine that. Ha. That probably makes up half of what I post. It’s a wonder I can ever write anything coherent. I’m all over the place.
Okay okay. Right. Good days… bad days… when I write… that’s what I was talking about.
I often wonder why I don’t write when I’m having a good day. Is it because I have so few of them that I try to accomplish other things when I do have one? Maybe. I bet part of it is my ridiculous fear that I will disappoint everyone when I follow a ‘good day‘ post with a ‘feel like ass‘ post.
[By the way, a ‘good day’ for me is one where it’s not bad. A ‘good day’ for me doesn’t mean something good happened. It just means nothing too bad happened. So I guess a ‘good day’ for me is probably a regular, neutral day to most people. But a regular day for me is a bad day… because that’s what I have most. Is it bad that on a ‘good day’, I barely recognize myself? ‘Who the fuck is this person??’ Yeah, I guess that’s bad.]
(That’s one of my pet words… it annoys me when I use it… but here we are.)
I’m sorry I haven’t been around. Every day I think about stopping by… but I never make it. I have no excuses… no explanations. I just don’t make it.
But I’m here now.
p.s.— Just so you know… right here, right now—this is me on a good day.
p.s. 2— I’m not proofreading/editing this post… because I don’t feel like it.
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