I was just thinking | h/husband #atozchallenge

I was just thinking | whatsandrathinks


I fought with myself over this post. It’s hard for me to talk about this because it upsets me so much. But keeping it all inside is no different. It’s still there… making me feel shame, humiliation, embarrassment, and loneliness.

dots.

My husband is a nice guy. A good man.

He’s just not the right man for me.

I thought about ending the post right here, but I want to continue. And this will be long so feel free to bail now. No hard feelings.

I did have a stroke of genius, though. I will be splitting this post between H and I. This is part one… to be continued in my post for the letter I… which, lucky for you (ha), will also be today since I neglected to post H yesterday.

My husband has his moments. But he also has his moments, if you know what I mean. Okay, you probably don’t know what I mean. I will try to elaborate.

He does nice things. He takes care of us. He works a lot. Eleven or twelve hours a day sometimes. As I have not found a workable job since my layoff, we need whatever pay he can get. He doesn’t mind working overtime. I often wonder if simply he likes the time away from home. I don’t know and I’m not asking. He does like his job and coworkers, though.

He also takes care of us by being our tech support, our handyman, our trash guy. [You can laugh. That was supposed to be at least a little funny. But it’s true. This guy can fix anything. He has fixed phones, computers, tvs, washing machines, dryers, vacuums, dishwashers, you name it… and he takes out the trash.]

Like I said, he’s a good guy. For someone.

But…

I’ve got this whole constantly-annoyed-by-his-presence thing. I need to come up with a name for it. The go-away factor? I don’t know if I can adequately explain this… but I will try.

I might be exaggerating a little. But…

Basically, everything he does irritates me. Everything about him annoys me.

The way he leaves his mail or his (clean, thank god) clothes on the bed. The way he belittles me even though I don’t think it’s intentional. [Or maybe it is. What the fuck do I know?] The way he laughs. The way he spends on things we don’t need. [Fuck, I am on fire inside when he does this. We, even the kids, don’t need more stuff… we need more experiences and great memories. Save up for those, dammit!] The way he falls asleep on the couch. The way he is so set in his ways. The way he hovers. [Just move the fuck on or say what you want. Don’t wait until I develop psychic abilities.] The way he acts like a know-it-all. The way he doesn’t listen to me. The way he says certain things. The way he leaves a dirty glass by the sink instead of putting it in the damn dishwasher. The way he drives. Every-fucking-thing. Annoys. The. Fuck. Out. Of. Me.

Big, little, significant, insignificant. Everything.

At night when he goes to the basement [his space… I hate the term ‘mancave’… gross], I’m glad. When he stays upstairs, I’m disappointed. When he falls asleep somewhere that’s not our bed, I’m glad. When he comes to bed, I’m disappointed.

And all of this… the whole go-away factor… it’s not entirely because of him (but mostly… heh). When you’re not in love with someone or maybe when you even start to not like them so much, every damn little thing drives you mad. Our relationship is just… not.

And for that, I am extremely annoyed.

With him, sure.

But also with myself.

[But he still needs to get the fuck out of my way.]

… to be continued …

 

p.s.— Remember this will be continued in my next post. God, this was hard to write and post. I feel so ashamed and embarrassed. Although the next one may be even worse. *hides* 

©2019 what sandra thinks

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About what sandra thinks

Sandra is a writer, blogger, poet, artist, emotional disaster. She thinks far too much and sleeps far too little. Sandra lives in the Northeastern U.S. but dreams of an oceanfront home in Hawaii where she could learn to surf. She loves books, brutal honesty, coffee, and the color black. She hates insincerity, beer, whipped cream, and facebook. And she is uncomfortable talking about herself in the third person.
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56 Responses to I was just thinking | h/husband #atozchallenge

  1. Marquessa says:

    Its always good to vent and get things out. No embarrassment in that!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. The V Pub says:

    My goodness, girl. I’m going to come over with some pizza to talk. Sneak in through the back door?

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Ogden Fahey says:

    He sounds like a real dumb bastard! LOL Just kidding, hope things get better, just a bit! 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Judie Sigdel says:

    I’m sorry that you’re going through this. It sounds painful. Please get whatever help you can to get through it in one piece.

    You articulated this experience beautifully. I know that’s not the main thing on your mind right now, but you do write very well.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. My stepson and DIL have been having problems for years but they argue constantly, loudly and I’m sure in front of the kids. They talk about getting divorced all the time but neither does anything about it. They can’t even be civil to each other. I would think co-existing as you are would be way better for your kids than screaming at each other, but I’m not sure that either way is great for the adults. Thanks for sharing!

    Liked by 2 people

    • I am thankful that we don’t argue often. I hate for the kids to hear us fight. Our house is small so if we have to have a private ‘discussion’ we kind of have to leave the premises. We have never spoken of divorce… I suspect that my husband isn’t as miserable as I am. We are generally nice to each other. And I cannot imagine putting my kids through a divorce anyway. You’re right in that it’s better for them that we generally get along, but not so great for me.

      Like

      • Yeah. The two of them tell me their sides of the story, separately, of course, cause they have no one else to talk to and I am a good listener. I really wish they’d do something cause I want them to be happy and if it’s not with each other, then I think they should move on. They’ve tried counseling a few times but there is so much hatred between them now. It’s like a war zone.

        Liked by 1 person

  6. iScriblr says:

    I’m sorry that you’re going through this. Healing prayers and love!❤️❤️

    Liked by 1 person

  7. artofthebeat says:

    Bravo! Thank you for so eloquently expressing feelings many of us are going through at times in our relationships. I felt all of your pain as I have been there an occasionally drive down that familiar road every once in awhile. However, I also felt your hope. Love your writing…

    Liked by 1 person

    • I am always amazed at the impact my words have when I was so hesitant to share them. I find all of this humiliating, so I’m grateful for anything positive anyone gets from it. I’m not sure I have hope for this relationship, but I try desperately to cling to something.

      Thank you so much.

      Liked by 1 person

  8. I hate this. I don’t want to like it. 😕

    Like

  9. Aimee Marie says:

    I could have sworn you were talking about my ex and all those annoying little things..lol
    No need to be embarrassed though.. Its totally relatable.

    Liked by 1 person

  10. I’m with beach, I don’t want to like it. xx
    However, I did, for all the right reasons.
    We know that we can’t make things better, but we can have lots of loving thoughts heading your way, and hopes that somehow, sometime, life will get better for you.
    Hugs to you, as always Sandra. x

    Liked by 1 person

  11. Bill says:

    You are the first person I have heard say they did not like the term mancave. I don’t either. I have a hard enough time fighting off the Neanderthal image without my dorm room being a cave.

    Liked by 1 person

  12. Pingback: I was just thinking | i/imagination #atozchallenge | what sandra thinks

  13. I’ve always loved your honesty. Please don’t be embarrassed sharing these thoughts with us. As corny as it sounds, I swear I think by using our blogs as a sounding board for our thoughts is somewhat therapeutic. So, no judgement. I feel like us married folks all have our issues and we get it. XO

    Liked by 1 person

    • I am always embarrassed by my life. I screwed up so much. I can’t be 20 again and do those years right. I want to so badly but I can’t. 😦 That’s when I start to feel hopeless. Even if things get better now, I don’t get to relive my younger years. 😦

      Like

  14. Meg says:

    Ah, I’m sorry love. And you don’t need to feel embarrassed about venting – it’s a good thing. I guess maybe the bright side of all this is that you do get along even though he drives you crazy. And you do recognize his good qualities. Which though doesn’t make for a grand romance, at least makes him a good father and friend. I know you need more though and I have no idea what to suggest… Well, instead I’ll just send my love and a hug and some reassurance that I understand. ❤️

    Liked by 1 person

  15. jrvincente says:

    Such a difficult situation. *hug*

    Liked by 1 person

  16. Hunida says:

    I always wondered about this, to be honest. I’m glad you got it off your chest. You always have a place to be honest here! ♡

    Liked by 1 person

  17. heatherjo86 says:

    I believe any relationship can be improved if both parties are willing to work at it and have some very uncomfortable conversations. “There is a frustrating of plans where there is no confidential talk, but in the multitude of counselors there is accomplishment.” (Proverbs 15:22) Does your husband feel that you two are growing apart? Do you think he can sense that you don’t like for him to be around so that’s why he doesn’t mind doing overtime? Do you both still love each other? The answers to those questions could get the conversation going that could begin to heal your relationship. I hope things can improve. Here’s a link to a website that has helpful information: https://www.jw.org/en/bible-teachings/family/marriage-gods-view/

    Liked by 1 person

    • “If both parties are willing to work at it…” That is the issue. I don’t think I love him and I don’t think I’m willing. I’ve come to a place where he’s not the one I want anymore. There’s no one else, but I don’t want him. I don’t know for sure, but I don’t think he loves or wants me anymore either. I have tried to talk about it, but now that I realize I don’t really want him anymore, it seems silly to try to fix things with someone I’m just not attracted to anymore. I’m not religious at all, by the way, but I don’t think that matters.

      Like

      • heatherjo86 says:

        I understand. You don’t have to be super religious to have a happy relationship. Did you love your husband in the beginning? If so, what changed?

        Liked by 1 person

        • I think I loved the idea of being in love. I don’t think I was ever really in love with him. So… I’m not sure anything changed. But… I will say that over the years, we have drifted apart in every way — mentally, physically. At this point, for me anyway, I don’t think there’s a road back.

          Like

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