When I’m with people, I often feel suffocated or even annoyed and I want to be left alone. When I’m alone, I feel lonely, sad, unmotivated, and a bit hopeless and I wish there were people around. I think maybe what I want is to have people near, but still have alone time. Or to be alone but know people are out there thinking of me. Or I don’t know what the fuck I want. Probably that last one.
Seriously. How can I make myself happy? My brain is a clusterfuck of contradictions.
p.s.— I am currently alone. Sigh.
©2019 what sandra thinks
what sandra thinks 
I feel the same way! Like I don’t like to be alone all the time, but also if I’m out with people it can be overwhelming and exhausting! It’s a fine balance of time with and without people. And sometimes I really just want to have some time where no one contacts me at all lol. It definitely is a contradiction!
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It makes sense to want some of both, but I feel that my reaction to either is too extreme.
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Ahhhh, I understand 😊
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We’re never happy are we? When the house is full here, I feel like telling them all to fuck off, then when they’re all out I’m like ‘Ah yeah, don’t mind me, you all just carry on with your lives and forget your poor mother’. I’m actually sounding more and more like me ma everyday… haha
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Yesterday (Sunday) I couldn’t deal with all the talking and chaos and I wanted everyone to go away. Today, I was alone and wished someone was home. Even if they weren’t interacting with me. It’s messed up!
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Perhaps it was 20 years ago when I finally realized that my persistent loneliness cannot be eased by being with others. There is something else that I long for and, I’m guessing, always will.
I can still recall and feel being at a table for eight in a crowded restaurant and gazing out the window, wishing to be anywhere else yet glad to be with people who populate my life.
Inner tensions. Part of my being human.
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What you describe is what I feel. I think my loneliness is going to stay no matter what. People say it’s because I don’t like myself so there will always be something missing. I’m not sure I believe that, but I do think you’re right that being with others doesn’t ‘fix’ loneliness.
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Totally understand. Just know that we do think of you…💜
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And you’re thinking, “Thank god that bitch isn’t around!” I’m just kidding. I know you don’t think that. 🙂 ♥
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I know that you know…😉
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I’ve had the sane conflict and haven’t figured it out yet.
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I think it’s ‘normal’ (whatever that means) to want alone time and not alone time, but neither really feels good to me. I don’t understand it…
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This is so me… Never seems to be a happy medium
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I’m not sure there is one! I think my reactions to alone and not alone are too extreme… so neither makes me happy.
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I totally get where you’re coming from. Though I don’t always want people around, it’s good to know they’re there if need be. I believe this place serves that purpose for me. I bet it would for you too. 😊
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Yesterday, the kids were talking… fighting… narrating their every Fortnite move, and all I wanted to do was scream, “Shut the fuck up!” In a nice way, of course. I mean, silence for, like, five minutes! But no.
Today, I was alone from about 8:30 until about 45 minutes ago. Those hours were spent sleeping, almost-crying, and feeling totally useless.
I think I don’t have the ‘right’ people-time. So I’m always kind of in the alone-time space even when there are people around. I think I’m missing the kind of interaction that I rarely get. Love, friendship, …
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I still can’t figure out why you don’t get that at home. 😕
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Because I married the wrong guy and my kids are only 11 and 14.
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Yeah, I get the teen kids aspect, but not his. 🤨
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I told you… I married the wrong guy.
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😕😕
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My own fault… my own decisions got me here…
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A large group of people is called a “No Thanks” in my book. I have experienced though the feeling of loneliness even surrounded by others…. maybe in the same room but on opposite sides?
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In my mind, I think I’m always on the opposite side. I don’t even mean large groups of people is this case. I mean being home alone vs. kids and husband being home.
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Gotcha. There are times when I’m I need to be in a different room. Then I feel guilty.
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I know exactly what you mean. I wanted to go hide in my room yesterday but the kids are in school all week… I should be near them, not hiding!
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What you need to do (Oh yes, I’ve heard them all before says Sandra, here we go again!) is to find your neutral gear. You are alone, you think about it, you want to be not alone.
You are in company, you think about it, you want to be alone.
Stop thinking. Easy to say I know, not so easy to do.
I’m not talking anything with a label, not yoga, not mindfulness, not zen. Just plain Brain In Neutral (BIN) Bin the thoughts, let the mind drift. If you wish, write down any odd thoughts, make up a silly rhyme, sing aloud, make up some breathing techniques.
There are people out here thinking of you – not in a creepy way – not in a judging way – not in a condemning way – just in a friendly, I wonder how Sandra is, sort of way.
Hugs, and I’m looking forward to B, then C, all the way through.
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If only I could turn my brain off… or put it in neutral, as you say. No matter how many relaxation techniques, pills, or anything else I try, my brain is always running. Not even walking… but running!
I think this is also why I can’t just lie there and fall asleep. My brain won’t shut up. I have to be reading or something until I drop my book/phone/whatever on my face because I fell asleep.
The truth is… I’m not sure I ever want to be alone. I think I just want to have some peace and quiet when no one in my house will ‘shut the fuck up’! But, then also, the kind of not-alone time isn’t satisfying enough because it’s not the right kind…
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White noise is good for “brain off” time, and for sleep.
https://picclick.com/Marpac-Sleep-Mate-Sound-Machine-Made-USA-980A-401652728994.html
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I have a few apps for that. I think it’s going to take something stronger. Honestly, nothing works to turn off my brain.
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I often feel the most lonely when I’m in a crowd. I’m always thinking ‘I don’t belong here’ and then I want to leave. But at the same time I crave companionship. Like Beach said, I kinda get that from here. It’s just not quite the same as real life connection but it’s still pretty good. And it’s self regulating. Anyway I’m glad you’re back. 👍❤️
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I never feel like I belong anywhere. I’m not sure I ever have. I think I’m better off hiding away on my own–I guess that’s why I isolate myself… and why I don’t have the ‘right’ people around me.
You’re right — connections here aren’t the same as real-life connections. And I lack those. I’m not sure they’re connections one can live without even though I have been (mostly) for a very long time.
I hope I’m back… at least for the month. But I’ve only planned up to B at the moment so I’m not confident I’m going to make it. Of course, I’m not confident about anything! ♥
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I always feel a little better after interacting here so I think at least having some connections with some people is better than none! You’ll make it! I think your wonderfully sarcastic sense of humor will kick in! 😉
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I think (or worry?) that part of me feels uncomfortable with any level of interaction at this point. I’ve become so isolated that it just feels strange… even here. So I tend to stay only for short bursts of time. I can’t figure out if I feel better or worse this way…
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Maybe it’s just become uncomfortable because you took a break. Like thinking you’ve missed too much. But really you haven’t. Obviously everyone is happy to see you back. As you post for A-Z, you’ll find your way. Strange, maybe but not bad? I hope?
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I think you’re on to something. Uncomfortable seems to fit. I don’t know if this challenge will make me comfortable again or not. Strange, the idea of comfort. I can’t remember the last time I felt truly comfortable. Hmm… that starts with C…
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Well I hope so … at least you have an idea for “C” 😜
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You ever really alone because you always have us! Love your category.
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Thank you so much. You’re the sweetest. ♥
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Can’t live with em, can’t live without em! ❤
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Exactly… ♥
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I have no answer for you – but appreciate your raw, vulnerable writing. Thanks for sharing.
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I’m sure there isn’t really an answer. But thank you for reading.
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I don’t think what you wrote about is that unusual. I am not lonely when I am alone (a rare gift), and one or two people are enough. But part of me knows that I must accept the burden of larger groups at times for the sake of others (I don’t have to like it). What I do think we all need to do is figure out what we want and how we want things to be. It sounds to me as if you are working on that.
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I would certainly be much happier with one or two people rather than a whole bunch. But some days, I’m not sure if I want any people. But then I’m alone and I feel isolated. But sometimes, I do that to myself. It doesn’t feel like it’s intentional, but maybe it is?
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Relatable *sigh*
Dropping in, do check out mine!
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