random (and not-so-random) things. #5

random - whatsandrathinks


Hey! It has only been ten days since my last post! Amazing. Fucking amazing. And so… here we go.

Spotify is not good at shuffle. I made a fucking playlist. I’d like to hear all the songs on it… not just the same few over and over again. I guess this is what I get for being too cheap to pay for premium.

Ever since Valentine’s Day, I feel the need to eat a piece of chocolate every day. [And before you get excited—no, I did not receive chocolates from my tool of a husband for Valentine’s Day. I got them from my daughter. PlusthebagsIboughtonsaleafter. Ahem.]

I really want to fall in love again. Or for the first time. I’m not sure I’ve ever been in love. I’m sure I’ve convinced myself that I have been, but that’s not real. People tell me it’s not too late for me, but they’re just being nice. I know it’s too late. This thought brings me to tears every single day. And as the days pass, it gets worse.

Speaking of the giant hole in my heart… my life has turned out nothing like I imagined. Please do spare me the talk of ‘making it what I want now‘ or whatever such crap. [No offense.] I can’t make my life what I imagined. It’s too late. I’m speaking of what I imagined my life would be between about age 20 and now (maybe even between 13 and now). That has passed. Nothing I do now can change those years. Fixing those fuck-ups, even if I could, won’t fix those years that I imagined so differently. And let’s not forget that at this point in my life, I don’t have the ability to make changes anyway. Not sure if I ever will.

Sorry. That sounded really really bitchy.

I wish life for my kids was the same as life was for me when I was a kid. I know I’ve said this before, but I can’t say it enough. Everything about being a kid was so much better back then. If I knew what I know now about how my kids’ lives would be, I’m not sure I would have had kids at all. This world I’ve brought them into? It’s a living nightmare.

I’m sad about the A-to-Z Challenge this year. I’ve participated every April I’ve been blogging—2016, 2017, 2018. I don’t want to miss a year. But as you know, I haven’t been able to write. And I haven’t even been around. I don’t have an explanation for that. I don’t know the reason. It’s not like I’ve been so busy with other things. I’ve been hiding, I guess. Why? Don’t know. I feel more alone and isolated than ever, yet I can’t get myself ‘out there‘ at all… not even an online version of ‘out there‘. I don’t have the ability. Or the will. I am weak. I think I have given up subconsciously. I say subconsciously because I certainly didn’t consciously decide to give up. It just happened without my consent. So here we are.

All of that being said, if anyone has any simple ideas for A-to-Z, I’m open to suggestions. Although I cannot possibly promise anything.


Hmm… this started off well enough but it went to the dark place. I guess everything eventually does, doesn’t it?

 

©2019 what sandra thinks

         

About what sandra thinks

Sandra is a writer, blogger, poet, artist, emotional disaster. She thinks far too much and sleeps far too little. Sandra lives in the Northeastern U.S. but dreams of an oceanfront home in Hawaii where she could learn to surf. She loves books, brutal honesty, coffee, and the color black. She hates insincerity, beer, whipped cream, and facebook. And she is uncomfortable talking about herself in the third person.
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36 Responses to random (and not-so-random) things. #5

  1. I’ve got an A to Z challenge for you Sandra. I’ve been doing a Monday limerick of animals A to Z . I’m almost to the end now and intend to go backwards towards A too.

    How about an A to Z of animals with a cute/funny picture each day? Maybe a pen and ink drawing rather than a photo? Not too time consuming but a bit of fun, and an easy way back to regular posting.

    Good to see you again.
    Hugs.
    x

    Liked by 2 people

  2. The V Pub says:

    Well, that escalated quickly! The key to true happiness is finding a bass player.

    Liked by 2 people

  3. Marquessa says:

    Hey Sandra. I know the feeling of thinking its too late for so many things…😥I’ll DM you a few ideas.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Tony Burgess says:

    We should all be more random. Hope for serenity and peace for you.

    Liked by 3 people

  5. I really hope you do take part again. I promise, it’s in there. And, that concludes the rainbow and butterfly portion of this comment.

    Now, if you can’t change the past, so be it. Nobody can. And, we’ve ALL fucked up at some point…sometimes royally. But, while I totally get the notion of subconsciously succumbing while time erodes, you’re aware of it now. Not to sound super lame, but the first step to changing something is realizing it needs to happen. Or some shit like that. My point is, you can’t give up now. You see it. I don’t know how, as that is for you to figure out, but you have to force your confidence back to the surface. You know there are several of us here who would help as much as we could with that, right?

    By the way, I’m not really trying to piss you off. Just trying a new approach. I hope you’ll try this A to Z thing. 😏

    Liked by 1 person

    • Let me start by saying that yes, we’ve all fucked up at one time or another. For me, pretty much my whole life has been one giant fuckup. 🙁

      I don’t know how to explain my inability to take action. I’m sure it just sounds like I’m lazy but that’s not it. I wish I could do things. I just don’t have the will to… go. And it feels like it’s out of my control because I constantly tell myself what to do — even small things — yet I just can’t. That’s the subconscious giving up thing. I just can’t… do… anything. I need someone to literally be beside me holding my hand… and then maybe I could do things.

      I get so anxious every morning that I hide in my bed until I fall asleep so I don’t have to figure out how to handle it. Obviously, I can’t handle it.

      I don’t know how to find confidence. I’ve never had any so I don’t think it’s in me at all. How do I get it? I need help but it seems that no one can help me. I don’t know what to ask for… I don’t know what the help is that I need. I wish I knew… or I wish someone knew and that they’d tell me.

      I want to do the A to Z thing… I just don’t have a theme. I need something. Maybe it would get me back to this blog, if nothing else. But I have no ideas. I’m empty.

      And, you know, I realize right now, more than I did before, how much I miss having you around to talk to. My fault for disappearing. I guess I don’t feel worthy of anyone’s thoughts or time or anything… so I just cut myself off.

      Liked by 1 person

      • I’m sure I’m not alone in saying we’ve missed you too. I know doing this blog thing isn’t much, but it beats a blank, right? What kind of ideas do you have for the challenge? Anyone else given you some suggestions? How about picking a color for each letter and running with that? Or the names of different cities? I’m not a writer, so I’m not sure what inspires y’all. Gotta be something though. 🤔

        Liked by 1 person

  6. Two years ago I did fiction ideas for stories in 50 words or 100 words, which was pretty easy, really. Some were great and some sucked but it was all I could manage. I don’t think I will participate this year though. I’m having trouble posting once a week or so. I say do whatever you feel like, sweetie.

    Liked by 1 person

  7. Ogden Fahey says:

    Ok, you can fall in ❤ Love ❤ again honey, for sure you can! 😀 ❤ ❤ XXX ( ❤ ❤ ) Its on! 😀 xxx

    Liked by 1 person

    • I’d like to believe that but I just… don’t. It’s too late. Oh hell, even if I met someone, who would want a messed up person like me? I’m not exactly what anyone it’s looking for!

      But thank you for being so sure that it’s possible. ♥♥

      Liked by 1 person

  8. mydangblog says:

    Life was certainly much more simple when we had swing sets and our curfew was when the street lights came on. And chocolate every day is good for the soul, I think–I keep a box of mini-chocolates in my office for anyone who wants to pop by and grab one:-)

    Liked by 1 person

    • I know I have a problem living in the past and burying myself in regrets, but I dream of going back to those days all the time. I can’t get the thoughts out of my head.

      I think I need some chocolate right now. At the moment, I could eat about a pound. And probably still want more. 🙂

      Like

  9. SpiritedSoul says:

    maybe then Sandra write about a day in the past….when u write about it u do have the power to change the outcome….its like writing a letter to an abuser in ur life …reading it outloud…then mailing it to them or shredding it 😊Hope all that makes sense

    Liked by 1 person

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