Hey! It has only been ten days since my last post! Amazing. Fucking amazing. And so… here we go.
Spotify is not good at shuffle. I made a fucking playlist. I’d like to hear all the songs on it… not just the same few over and over again. I guess this is what I get for being too cheap to pay for premium.
Ever since Valentine’s Day, I feel the need to eat a piece of chocolate every day. [And before you get excited—no, I did not receive chocolates from my tool of a husband for Valentine’s Day. I got them from my daughter. PlusthebagsIboughtonsaleafter. Ahem.]
I really want to fall in love again. Or for the first time. I’m not sure I’ve ever been in love. I’m sure I’ve convinced myself that I have been, but that’s not real. People tell me it’s not too late for me, but they’re just being nice. I know it’s too late. This thought brings me to tears every single day. And as the days pass, it gets worse.
Speaking of the giant hole in my heart… my life has turned out nothing like I imagined. Please do spare me the talk of ‘making it what I want now‘ or whatever such crap. [No offense.] I can’t make my life what I imagined. It’s too late. I’m speaking of what I imagined my life would be between about age 20 and now (maybe even between 13 and now). That has passed. Nothing I do now can change those years. Fixing those fuck-ups, even if I could, won’t fix those years that I imagined so differently. And let’s not forget that at this point in my life, I don’t have the ability to make changes anyway. Not sure if I ever will.
Sorry. That sounded really really bitchy.
I wish life for my kids was the same as life was for me when I was a kid. I know I’ve said this before, but I can’t say it enough. Everything about being a kid was so much better back then. If I knew what I know now about how my kids’ lives would be, I’m not sure I would have had kids at all. This world I’ve brought them into? It’s a living nightmare.
I’m sad about the A-to-Z Challenge this year. I’ve participated every April I’ve been blogging—2016, 2017, 2018. I don’t want to miss a year. But as you know, I haven’t been able to write. And I haven’t even been around. I don’t have an explanation for that. I don’t know the reason. It’s not like I’ve been so busy with other things. I’ve been hiding, I guess. Why? Don’t know. I feel more alone and isolated than ever, yet I can’t get myself ‘out there‘ at all… not even an online version of ‘out there‘. I don’t have the ability. Or the will. I am weak. I think I have given up subconsciously. I say subconsciously because I certainly didn’t consciously decide to give up. It just happened without my consent. So here we are.
All of that being said, if anyone has any simple ideas for A-to-Z, I’m open to suggestions. Although I cannot possibly promise anything.
Hmm… this started off well enough but it went to the dark place. I guess everything eventually does, doesn’t it?
©2019 what sandra thinks