This post has been in my draft folder since the 14th of December. I just haven’t felt like I was good enough to be around anyone… even online. But then I was isolated and I felt worse.
Thank you to those of you who reached out to me whether in comments or through email. I needed that more than I can say. More. So much more. I wish I could give you a giant hug. It’s hard to get through the days when you feel like no one cares if you even exist.
Rather than write a whole post about my disappearance, I thought I’d go ahead and publish this now-edited post from December. [But if you’re curious, I will tell you whatever you ask about said disappearance.] I hope you’re all still here. I hope you know that I didn’t disappear because I didn’t want you, my friends, around. I am just drowning in my own personal hell. But I promise to answer every comment as soon as I can.
I can’t seem to take little things at face value. I pass right over the little positives that go on in my life. I don’t even notice them. I only notice the bad things.
Little things. I can’t seem to make them matter. Unless they’re bad.
I tried a new recipe that my whole family loved.
I treated myself to fancy coffee and an incredibly predictable and sappy Hallmark movie last weekend.
I spent the day with my daughter and her best friend ‘shopping‘ (without buying) and eating ice cream.
I am actually writing a blog post after a long disappearance.
You see, I should stop and think about those little things. Even right now. I should think about them. And I should realize that they are a big deal.
I’m not a ‘normal‘ person. Doing these things isn’t just a matter of course for me. These are huge accomplishments for a person who so often can’t bother to get out of bed until one o’clock in the afternoon. Some days I feel like showering and getting dressed is the equivalent of climbing a fucking mountain. Overwhelming and pointless. [No offense to mountain climbers.] I do it, though. Every single day. That’s a positive! But… I should be up and dressed earlier. Boom. There’s the negative.
I can’t stop before the ‘but‘. I can’t hold on to the positives. I cling to every single negative, though. Big, small, huge, tiny—every single possible negative thing—even ones that haven’t happened yet. On the rare occasion that I do notice something positive, it is immediately followed by the word ‘but‘… and I negate it.
Successful new recipe… but I’m sick of everything else I make.
Thought I could write a better story than the Hallmark movie… but I can’t write anymore and I’m probably not good enough anyway.
Spent the day with my girl and her friend… but I couldn’t take them anywhere really amazing because I don’t have the money.
I’m writing a blog post… but I haven’t written any fiction or poetry in forever and this is just another pathetic post about my fuckedupedness. Yeah, that’s a word now.
I think this also speaks to my inability to live in the moment. I don’t do that. Like, ever. I am in a constant state of regret about the past and worry about the future. Constant.
But. But. But.
My negativity knows no bounds. I can say positive things (yes, I really can), but (there it is again) there is always a but immediately following. And that but negates the positive thing. It negates it to a point where the positive thing doesn’t even exist for me anymore. Yet somehow the negatives are true and real. All of them. Even the imaginary ones.
My life is full of buts. No, not butts. Buts.
By the way, this afternoon, my son didn’t have phone service at school so he couldn’t tell me that he had to stay after… and I managed to not have a total meltdown wondering if he was kidnapped or hit by a bus. Good for me! But I shouldn’t have even panicked as much as I did.
And… I’m here today… but I may disappear again [even though that’s not the plan].
©2019 what sandra thinks