missed christmas.

Well, I missed Christmas.

No… not really.

I just mean I missed Christmas here.

I didn’t post any well wishes. I didn’t write anything. I didn’t do a damn thing. Except disappear.

Miss me? I totally understand if you didn’t. It’s a busy time of year. And I kind of just faded into the background.

I was pretty busy. Even after the holiday. Returning a few gifts, entertaining my kids over school break (although the PS4 helped with this), and un-decorating my house.  But since the holiday has passed, being busy feels different. It feels… not great.

Speaking of undecorating…

Christmas is totally different for me now than when I was a child (as I’m sure it is for everyone). But there are similarities, the most significant of which is the post-Christmas letdown.

When I was little, I experienced so much excitement and anticipation before Christmas. And Christmas morning was, like, the best time ever. [My parents totally win Christmas. They made it amazing.] Even Christmas day, after the presents had been opened and breakfast eaten, we would take out our new toys and games and movies and play and watch and have tons of fun. But by the end of the day—and even worse the next day—the excitement had died down. Without the anticipation, the hopes, the imagination going wild, it just felt… bad. A little lost. A little hopeless. It felt like there was nothing to look forward to. Sure, next year. But that was too far away. I would get the post-Christmas blues. And even though it’s different now, it’s also the same.

Despite spending very cautiously this year, I was happy with the gifts I had to give. But as always, I felt guilty for the ones I received. Christmas gave me something to look forward to, though. And I needed that. But it’s over now. And I feel as empty as the punch bowl was after Drunk Aunt was through with it.

I’ve started making a list of projects to immerse myself in now that the kids are back in school. But I have no passion for anything on that list. I kind of feel like it will be a miracle if I do any of those things. But I think I need to force myself so I might be able to avoid the pit of despair I know is waiting for me. I’m already falling into it. I need a rope.

I will add, though, that I am grateful for the time with my family and for their thoughtfulness. I often dread family gatherings but I’m trying to work on that. You know, gratitude. That fucking word.

And don’t even get me going on all the New Year’s shit people spout at this time of year. I hate it. I fucking hate it. A new beginning. Ugh. Resolutions. Double Ugh. Shut the fuck up. We all know that whatever you say you’re going to change in the new year will be back to ‘normal‘ within a week. [mini bitch-session over]

As far as my presence here, well, I don’t know. I have 274 unread emails (post notifications and stuff like that). I don’t expect to get to any of them. And as much as I love writing, I haven’t written anything significant in over a year. Everyone keeps telling me it will pass and I’ll be able to write again, but clearly that has not happened. And I’ve given up. I am not a writer. I am, at best, an infrequent storyteller.

I miss my friends. But being here doesn’t give me the happiness it once did. I want the happiness, but right now, I don’t know where to find it. I only know the places where I haven’t found it.

That being said, I haven’t made any firm decisions about anything. I have no plans to stop blogging entirely. And I will probably never remove my blog. I still have my shop and I’m occasionally on twitter and less occasionally on instagram. I just don’t know how often I will be around.

I am always reachable, though, and always willing to talk. In fact, I’m short on people to talk to. So if you’re interested, hit me up. DM (direct message) me on twitter… email me—whatsandrathinks @ gmail.com (remove the spaces)… or just comment here. I will always read and reply to comments.

Maybe I will post here more often than once every two-to-three weeks. Part of me wants to, but part of me is confused and lost about where I’m going, what I’m doing, and what the point is.

Until next time… (or until we talk in the comments of this post, which would be lovely)…


—s

 

©2019 what sandra thinks

         

About what sandra thinks

Sandra is a writer, blogger, poet, artist, emotional disaster. She thinks far too much and sleeps far too little. Sandra lives in the Northeastern U.S. but dreams of an oceanfront home in Hawaii where she could learn to surf. She loves books, brutal honesty, coffee, and the color black. She hates insincerity, beer, whipped cream, and facebook. And she is uncomfortable talking about herself in the third person.
This entry was posted in anxiety, family, holidays, writing and tagged , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

42 Responses to missed christmas.

  1. First things first – mark EVERY single email as read. Don’t bother with any of them, they don’t matter. Missed an important one – tough. It still doesn’t matter.
    I’m going to wish you a Happy New Year whether you want it or not. I wish, for you, good health above all else, a bit of happiness, a bit of contentment, a bit of joy, a bit of good fortune, a good many laughs, a little bit of success. I’m not going overboard and wishing you lots of anything. A little bit of many things is a good start, and I really do wish that for you.
    Hugs, love, and best wishes that some luck will head your way in 2019.

    Liked by 3 people

  2. Ogden Fahey says:

    I’m pretty grim these days about xmas, not sure why exactly, but then I’ll enjoy the family parts, and after xmas I’ll always wonder why I was so moody in the lead up – las few days before Xmas in particular fill me with morosity! Anyhow, glad its over! Its overblown, ok if you’re under 10 I guess!! 😀 XX

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I’m glad you posted. I haven’t done much but I’m going to try when I have a good day. I usually love Christmas but this year I just needed to be done with the holidays.

    Liked by 2 people

  4. I missed you! And I’m glad you’re back! But the pending emails of almost 300!?! Omg “select all/delete” haha!!

    Liked by 1 person

  5. I wasn’t here much, but you were missed. Happy New Year! 💜

    Delete the emails. Or just ignore the unread counter. Lol.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thanks. ♥ I missed you, too. I really do adore my friends here but I’ve just been kind of detached, I guess. I want to be surrounded by people who love me, but then again, I seem to feel more comfortable alone. It doesn’t make sense. But alone or not, I really wish I could find something to feel passionate about. I need that.

      Like

  6. Tony Burgess says:

    Welcome back my friend. Keep on blogging.

    Liked by 1 person

  7. Meg says:

    Glad to see you Sandra. I agree with the others, don’t try to read all those emails, I’m sure more are on the way. As for the letdown after the holidays, I believe everyone experiences it to one extent or another so you’re not alone. I just hope you can find a little happiness and contentment in the new year. That’s my wish for you! ❤️

    Liked by 2 people

    • Thanks, Meg. ♥ I hope I can find those things, too. I need something. Not sure what it is, but something I can feel passionate about. I am so indifferent to so much lately. I know it’s not good… but here we are.

      I hope everything is going well for you. You must be so busy! I am going to do my best to be better about keeping in touch. I’ve been failing with that…

      Liked by 1 person

  8. Marquessa says:

    Delete all notifications without reading! And I feel you about the holidays. The older I get the more I worry about who may not be around next year and that makes me sad. As for blogging, I’m basically done after almost 4 years. My regular blog will become my writer’s platform. You know I’ll keep in touch!🤗💜

    Liked by 1 person

    • There’s no way I could get through all those notifications anyway. They have to go. I feel bad, though, because everyone will just think I don’t give a ___ about them anymore. Not true, but I’m just not in a place to interact a lot around here. I feel kind of separated from the world. And the scary? sad? bad? part is that I’m kind of okay with that separation. But, then again, I long for some sort of connection, too. It makes no sense. And yes, we will definitely keep in touch! 🙂 ♥

      Like

  9. mydangblog says:

    I get the post-Christmas blues too—this year it’s worse because I have to go back to working in another city after almost 3 weeks home with my family. Can’t wait til April when I start commuting from home. I hope you just delete all those notifications and start feeling less blues-y!

    Liked by 1 person

  10. Hunida says:

    We miss you, Sandra! Just know we are always here for you ♡

    Liked by 1 person

  11. Ok, I found it! Not sure how I missed it to begin with. I’m with you on the post-Christmas letdown…but mine comes on New Years Day, when all the decorations come down. The house seems so bare all of the sudden…and the shittiest 2 months of the year are looming like an icy fingered monster. I need to go to Jamaica.

    As always, you know where to find me if you need an ear. 😊😊

    Liked by 1 person

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