Well, I missed Christmas.
No… not really.
I just mean I missed Christmas here.
I didn’t post any well wishes. I didn’t write anything. I didn’t do a damn thing. Except disappear.
Miss me? I totally understand if you didn’t. It’s a busy time of year. And I kind of just faded into the background.
I was pretty busy. Even after the holiday. Returning a few gifts, entertaining my kids over school break (although the PS4 helped with this), and un-decorating my house. But since the holiday has passed, being busy feels different. It feels… not great.
Speaking of undecorating…
Christmas is totally different for me now than when I was a child (as I’m sure it is for everyone). But there are similarities, the most significant of which is the post-Christmas letdown.
When I was little, I experienced so much excitement and anticipation before Christmas. And Christmas morning was, like, the best time ever. [My parents totally win Christmas. They made it amazing.] Even Christmas day, after the presents had been opened and breakfast eaten, we would take out our new toys and games and movies and play and watch and have tons of fun. But by the end of the day—and even worse the next day—the excitement had died down. Without the anticipation, the hopes, the imagination going wild, it just felt… bad. A little lost. A little hopeless. It felt like there was nothing to look forward to. Sure, next year. But that was too far away. I would get the post-Christmas blues. And even though it’s different now, it’s also the same.
Despite spending very cautiously this year, I was happy with the gifts I had to give. But as always, I felt guilty for the ones I received. Christmas gave me something to look forward to, though. And I needed that. But it’s over now. And I feel as empty as the punch bowl was after Drunk Aunt was through with it.
I’ve started making a list of projects to immerse myself in now that the kids are back in school. But I have no passion for anything on that list. I kind of feel like it will be a miracle if I do any of those things. But I think I need to force myself so I might be able to avoid the pit of despair I know is waiting for me. I’m already falling into it. I need a rope.
I will add, though, that I am grateful for the time with my family and for their thoughtfulness. I often dread family gatherings but I’m trying to work on that. You know, gratitude. That fucking word.
And don’t even get me going on all the New Year’s shit people spout at this time of year. I hate it. I fucking hate it. A new beginning. Ugh. Resolutions. Double Ugh. Shut the fuck up. We all know that whatever you say you’re going to change in the new year will be back to ‘normal‘ within a week. [mini bitch-session over]
As far as my presence here, well, I don’t know. I have 274 unread emails (post notifications and stuff like that). I don’t expect to get to any of them. And as much as I love writing, I haven’t written anything significant in over a year. Everyone keeps telling me it will pass and I’ll be able to write again, but clearly that has not happened. And I’ve given up. I am not a writer. I am, at best, an infrequent storyteller.
I miss my friends. But being here doesn’t give me the happiness it once did. I want the happiness, but right now, I don’t know where to find it. I only know the places where I haven’t found it.
That being said, I haven’t made any firm decisions about anything. I have no plans to stop blogging entirely. And I will probably never remove my blog. I still have my shop and I’m occasionally on twitter and less occasionally on instagram. I just don’t know how often I will be around.
I am always reachable, though, and always willing to talk. In fact, I’m short on people to talk to. So if you’re interested, hit me up. DM (direct message) me on twitter… email me—whatsandrathinks @ gmail.com (remove the spaces)… or just comment here. I will always read and reply to comments.
Maybe I will post here more often than once every two-to-three weeks. Part of me wants to, but part of me is confused and lost about where I’m going, what I’m doing, and what the point is.
Until next time… (or until we talk in the comments of this post, which would be lovely)…
—s
©2019 what sandra thinks
First things first – mark EVERY single email as read. Don’t bother with any of them, they don’t matter. Missed an important one – tough. It still doesn’t matter.
I’m going to wish you a Happy New Year whether you want it or not. I wish, for you, good health above all else, a bit of happiness, a bit of contentment, a bit of joy, a bit of good fortune, a good many laughs, a little bit of success. I’m not going overboard and wishing you lots of anything. A little bit of many things is a good start, and I really do wish that for you.
Hugs, love, and best wishes that some luck will head your way in 2019.
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Thank you so much, Peter. I’m all for New Year’s wishes. Just don’t ask me what my resolution is. The things I need to accomplish have nothing to do with the calendar, you know? Anyway, thank you again and let’s hope some good luck comes my way.
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I’m sure it will. You deserve it!
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I don’t know about that but I’m hoping anyway!
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I’m pretty grim these days about xmas, not sure why exactly, but then I’ll enjoy the family parts, and after xmas I’ll always wonder why I was so moody in the lead up – las few days before Xmas in particular fill me with morosity! Anyhow, glad its over! Its overblown, ok if you’re under 10 I guess!! 😀 XX
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Christmas is just so stressful to me. But like you, then there are parts I enjoy so I should let the stress go. Of course, I should let the stress go in many areas of my life and I’m not especially successful with that either! It’s nice to hear from you… ♥
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Nice to hear from you too 🙂 ♥
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I’m glad you posted. I haven’t done much but I’m going to try when I have a good day. I usually love Christmas but this year I just needed to be done with the holidays.
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Oh, that’s totally understandable. I wish for you to have peace and find those good days. I know it doesn’t help to hear all the usual things, but if you ever do just want to talk to someone no matter your mood, I’m around… even if not ‘here’. And thanks for commenting here. You’re a wonderful friend. ♥
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I’m so lost right now. I know it will get better with time. I hate that life just goes on…
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Hugs ♥
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I missed you! And I’m glad you’re back! But the pending emails of almost 300!?! Omg “select all/delete” haha!!
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We’ll see how ‘back’ I really am over the next few weeks, I guess. I just don’t feel like it lately… with respect to, well, everything. I don’t feel like doing anything. That’s not good, I know. I really need something to get excited about. I’m not finding it!
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You’ll find it – eventually!😊
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I wasn’t here much, but you were missed. Happy New Year! 💜
Delete the emails. Or just ignore the unread counter. Lol.
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Thanks. ♥ I missed you, too. I really do adore my friends here but I’ve just been kind of detached, I guess. I want to be surrounded by people who love me, but then again, I seem to feel more comfortable alone. It doesn’t make sense. But alone or not, I really wish I could find something to feel passionate about. I need that.
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Welcome back my friend. Keep on blogging.
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Thanks, Tony!
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Glad to see you Sandra. I agree with the others, don’t try to read all those emails, I’m sure more are on the way. As for the letdown after the holidays, I believe everyone experiences it to one extent or another so you’re not alone. I just hope you can find a little happiness and contentment in the new year. That’s my wish for you! ❤️
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Thanks, Meg. ♥ I hope I can find those things, too. I need something. Not sure what it is, but something I can feel passionate about. I am so indifferent to so much lately. I know it’s not good… but here we are.
I hope everything is going well for you. You must be so busy! I am going to do my best to be better about keeping in touch. I’ve been failing with that…
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Yes do keep in touch! I’ve been very busy and its only going to get worse, ahhhh! I’ve decided that if I’m quiet here for a while and I lose followers then they weren’t worth worrying about anyway. Well, I won’t hand you any new year’s cliches but I do hope that you find your groove soon. 💖
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Thanks ♥
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Delete all notifications without reading! And I feel you about the holidays. The older I get the more I worry about who may not be around next year and that makes me sad. As for blogging, I’m basically done after almost 4 years. My regular blog will become my writer’s platform. You know I’ll keep in touch!🤗💜
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There’s no way I could get through all those notifications anyway. They have to go. I feel bad, though, because everyone will just think I don’t give a ___ about them anymore. Not true, but I’m just not in a place to interact a lot around here. I feel kind of separated from the world. And the scary? sad? bad? part is that I’m kind of okay with that separation. But, then again, I long for some sort of connection, too. It makes no sense. And yes, we will definitely keep in touch! 🙂 ♥
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I get the post-Christmas blues too—this year it’s worse because I have to go back to working in another city after almost 3 weeks home with my family. Can’t wait til April when I start commuting from home. I hope you just delete all those notifications and start feeling less blues-y!
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Thanks. I hope you feel better, too, despite the work situation. This time of year always seems so bleak. I can’t wait til April because hopefully it will feel like Spring!
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We miss you, Sandra! Just know we are always here for you ♡
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Aww, thanks. ♥ I miss everyone, too. I just can’t seem to get back into things here. I need some motivation or inspiration or something!
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A 30 Day Writing Challenge 😀
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Maybe I should look into it… but I might not make it past day 1!
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There are so many different ones on Pinterest. I hope you are able to find your voice again soon. ♡
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Ok, I found it! Not sure how I missed it to begin with. I’m with you on the post-Christmas letdown…but mine comes on New Years Day, when all the decorations come down. The house seems so bare all of the sudden…and the shittiest 2 months of the year are looming like an icy fingered monster. I need to go to Jamaica.
As always, you know where to find me if you need an ear. 😊😊
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Oh, I always need an ear. It’s really rather pathetic. I’ve missed you and others here… but I’ve also felt like I don’t belong anymore. Can’t really explain why… I don’t understand it myself.
Definitely once the decorations come down everything looks so drab and barren. It’s fucking depressing. I would love a warm vacation. But unless I win the lottery that I don’t play, that’s not happening… like, ever. I feel guilty spending a few dollars on coffee. 😔
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I hear ya’. My frivolous spending stops today. Transmission died in my truck yesterday. Right before a forecasted snow storm. Awesome!
I sure wish you didn’t feel like this. I’ve thought about you a lot. Wondered how you were doing. I wish it was better. I hope your back is feeling better, at least. Maybe? 🤔
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Oh, of course not. My back is pretty much the same. Obviously nothing’s ever going to improve that. I’ve spent so much money and time trying everything but I’ve gotten nowhere. I don’t see myself spending another penny wasting my time. I just have to live with the pain. My life will suck and it’ll probably only get worse, but I guess that’s just the way it is…
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😕😕
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I have some good days… but I always worry about the future.
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Shit, man. Don’t we all? At least those of us with kids? 😃
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I mean the future of my back pain. But yes, I worry about the future in general all the time, too. It overwhelms me. Lately there’s one particular thing that’s bothering me a LOT… probably more than it should… but I have little-to-no control over it… yet it has to be addressed. It’s impossible to get someone else to do the right thing. I’m sure people have this frustration with me. Ironic that I have this situation with others… *sigh*
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Life’s funny (not fucking funny at all) like that.
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Like I said… it’s a game and I’m losing. I need a big fat prize.
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I hear ya’. 😏
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