I have been busy. I blame Christmas. Or I credit Christmas, depending on my perspective at any given moment.
I’m tired. I feel stressed… burnt out. But I don’t feel hopelessly bored and scared and useless. Well, not entirely, anyway. It feels like my life might actually have a little bit of meaning. A little. Very little. And that’s an improvement. But I’m still doing too much sleeping at the wrong times. Busy or not, I still want to be in bed, sleeping, escaping everything, all the time.
Ahh… see? There’s always a but.
I’m losing steam. Don’t get me wrong—I’m doing loads better with the holidays this year than I did last year. So far, anyway. But I struggle with the focus on money. I struggle with that all the time, but at this time of year, it’s magnified. Like, times a thousand. Everywhere I look, it’s in my face. And the people who flaunt it. Ugh. Shoot me.
Maybe I’m a hypocrite, in a way. I’m not religious. My beliefs are largely non-existent. So maybe it doesn’t make sense for me to care about Christmas at all. But for as long as I can remember, Christmas has been about family and Santa. So I guess I celebrate my own mythology… the magic of Santa.
Don’t worry. I know he’s not real. (Probably.) But even at my age, I enjoy imagining that he is. Hey, maybe I’m wrong. Maybe he really is out there.
If you’re out there Santa, send me a sign. Or a really hot guy. Or loads of cash. Or magic. Or love. Or any of the other things missing from my life. Please. Anything. I won’t be picky. I promise.
Busy is more good than bad, though. At least I think so. Being bored and empty and purposeless was killing me. Literally, it seemed. But because I’m me (and you know me… or most of you do), I’m worried about what happens after Christmas is over. The busyness will fade. I’ll be bored and purposeless again. My life will lose meaning.
Or none of that will happen.
According to someone I trust—someone whose opinion means something to me—I could be busy all the time. I could have been busy before. I just wasn’t capable of it. Mentally, emotionally… I just couldn’t. Somehow, Christmas gave me the ability to do things. I don’t know if I’ll retain that ability after December 25th. My head says no. My trusted-someone says maybe.
But she thinks more of me than I think of myself.
I pretty much equate myself to something about the level of this picture. Of a reindeer’s ass.
©2018 what sandra thinks
what sandra thinks 
Santa gets to look at a reindeer’s ass for a lot longer than most, so, if you equate yourself with that image, Santa is looking at you now to make sure you’re on the nice list. If you do manage to get your wish of a really hot guy, you can then graduate to the naughty list! Have fun with the family over Christmas. Hugs to you!
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That’s how I’d like to get on the naughty list! Thanks for the well wishes. I hope you have a lovely holiday, too.
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I’m glad you’ve been busy and that it’s been a good thing for you. From your writings, it sounded like you really needed that little bit of good, so I’m glad you got it! And I hope you are able to keep it up after Christmas is over as well!
And Santa is 100% real 😉😁
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Well then, he had better come through for me big time. I need something… Maybe something to make me feel like I’m not cursed. I just want things to go well for me for more than ten minutes a week.
Sorry… I am having a really bad morning. 🙁
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It’s ok, I’m having a badish morning too. Well its anxiety from last night that’s spilled over to put me in a mood haha
I hope he comes through for you!
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Thanks ♥
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You know I think more of you than being a reindeers ass…but that’s pretty funny. Glad you’re feeling better. Don’t think about after the holidays, next month, or next year. Live in the day. Do as I say, not as I do though. I’m stressed to the max. Hit a deer two weeks ago, washing machine died a week ago, and our water heater died 3 days ago. Ho, ho, fucking ho. 😡
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Oh, T, what a time for you! No one got hurt, tho, right? Deep breaths, it will get easier.
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No, nobody was hurt, except for my car and the deer. Damn thing came outta nowhere. I know it’ll all be fine, but you know how it is. Now, don’t worry about us. How are you? 😕
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I’m coping. I’m lonely but the kids and my friends check in a lot and I’ve had the inevitable phone calls and meetings to keep me busy. Took Dave to work out yesterday and it was difficult to talk to people but we are slowly getting back to our routine. Baby steps, you know?
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I hear ya’. It’ll get easier but not the same. Time heals all wounds is only partially accurate. I meant ask, but how is JP handling it?
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You know, he’s pretty good. Took him awhile to come up to the front of the room at the Wake. We made sure no one pressured him. He talked to my sister a lot about what would happen each day. Definitely Papa’s grandson in that he needed a plan! Picked him up yesterday after school and he ran to the car and said, Oh, I forgot, papa is gone. So all in all, okay, I think. But we talk and looked at videos on Paul’s phone and heard his voice and he liked that.
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Good. He’s quite the little dude. 😊
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Oh damn. I hate when home or car-related things go wrong. You have no choice but to deal with them immediately. It is very very stressful. I’m sorry for all you have to deal with. Some stuff in our house is really old, but, thankfully, my husband is good at fixing things. I guess he’s good for something. Okay, that was extra mean. But it was funny.
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Yeah, I’m kinda spent mentally. The car is back and fixed. The water heater I’m fixing myself, and because we live in this crazy ass old fucking quirky fucking house, NOTHING goes as it should. Watching those YouTube how-to videos really pisses me off. They make it look soooooo easy. Shit. Not in this alternate realm of opposite world. Bit off more than I can chew with this place. 🤪
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My house is old and often frustrating. When my husband was redoing the bedroom ceiling, there were all sorts of unexpected “twists” (to put it nicely). Same with the kitchen… which isn’t done yet. Oh… and I have a flat tire. Not a huge deal, but, you know, add it to the stress pile!
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I feel your pain. 😏
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All fixed now. Yay. Made my husband deal with it. 😛
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That’s not uncommon. 😏😏
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I know… 😐🙂
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Love the pictures! You sound so good this year, I’m proud of you. I’m glad we got the tree up and outside lights right after Thanksgiving or I don’t think I could have done it this year. So many awful meetings and phone calls lately. I’m sure I’ll be fighting depression for awhile as its easy for me to fall into that. I literally cannot think of the future right now. I just can’t. My brother has a month old granddaughter named Paisley that I will meet on Christmas Eve. That’s as far as I can go right now. Wishing you a Christmas as delightful as you!
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Aww, thank you so much for being so wonderful. I am trying to put things in perspective. And sometimes I’m better at it than other times. I’m so sorry for what you’re going through. I know that you are a very strong woman and you will get through it because you can get through anything. And meeting a sweet little baby is always something to look forward to. I hope you’re able to find some joy this Christmas. Sending lots of hugs. ♥
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Thanks, honey! I know I’ll be happy again sometime, but right now I’m just sad and lonely. I might start writing again just because it’s cathartic for me… I will enjoy Christmas and being with family. And the excitement for the little ones. And I don’t want to drag everyone down just because I’m sad…
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But remember that, of course, it’s okay to be sad. And if writing helps, I think that’s a great idea. And also, if you need a friend, I’m here. ♥
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Glad to see that you are feeling a bit better. Sorry that I’ve been scarce. And when you find Hot Santa, send him my way, okay?
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I definitely will send him over. When I’m done with him… 😇
I’ve not been around either, as you can see. Totally miss you, though!
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🙂💜
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It sounds like the Christmas magic is in you! ♡ I hope you find a way to stay busy after the holiday passes. You always have a purpose!! & all of these photos are gorgeous! Even that reindeer butt. 😂
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I think I’m going to reach my Christmas limit soon. Good thing it’s almost here! 😄 Thanks about the pictures. I did enjoy decorating. Hopefully I will find something after the holiday to make me feel useful. I know I should just wait and see how it goes instead of worrying about it now, but I’m still worrying!
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❤ ❤ I wish I could take all of your worries away, Sandra!!
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Aww… thanks. So sweet, as always. ♥♥
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