blame.

Why is it so hard for me to believe that everything’s not my fault?

I try to tell myself that’s not true, but I don’t believe me. What takes over is… something else.

Everything wrong in every part of my life is my own fault. I caused all of it. I made things this way. Everything about everything—kids, money, home, love, friends, emotions, and even back pain.

When the kids are upset about something, I am consumed by all the things I wish I could give them or do for them that could have prevented or fixed it (whatever ‘it’ is). And, of course, it’s my fault I don’t have those things or can’t do them.

When I notice that my kids have inherited something crappy from me, that’s my fault.

When something in our (old) house needs help, I should be able to fix it, replace it, or at least make it better because I’m unemployed and home. If it doesn’t improve, you guessed it—my fault.

When I want to do something special (or even not so special) and I can’t afford it, that’s on me.

When I’m lonely, it’s because I don’t know how to talk to people and I suck at making friends. And it’s because I wanted love so much that I made myself believe I had it when I don’t think I ever really did. Or I had it, but I was blind and threw it away.

When I feel terrible, it’s because of something I did… something I brought on myself.

When my back hurts, I get so angry with myself that I didn’t seek help sooner because maybe then, something would have actually helped.

When I’m down at my lowest, it’s because of the bad decisions I’ve made. I got myself here. I’m supposed to believe that it’s an illness… that it’s not my fault. And I try to believe that. But I always seem to blame myself anyway. Medication? I shouldn’t need it because I created my own depression by doing things wrong… so I should be able to make it better on my own, too, shouldn’t I?

It’s all me.

Am I wrong? It doesn’t seem like I’m wrong.

 

©2018 what sandra thinks

         

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About what sandra thinks

Sandra is a writer, blogger, poet, artist, emotional disaster. She thinks far too much and sleeps far too little. Sandra lives in the Northeastern U.S. but dreams of an oceanfront home in Hawaii where she could learn to surf. She loves books, brutal honesty, coffee, and the color black. She hates insincerity, beer, whipped cream, and facebook. And she is uncomfortable talking about herself in the third person.
This entry was posted in anxiety, depression, writing and tagged , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

25 Responses to blame.

  1. pocketcanadian says:

    that sounds like the voice of my not-so-good friend Shame to me. that guy is an arsehole, but a compelling one. and he’s very, very old, knows all the ways to keep you small and scared. just like back then.

    it’s not that you’re wrong…it’s just that his is a skewed view. not the whole story. not the truth, even though it feels like it is.

    i hope he tones it down soon, so that you can hear all those other voices, who know more about you now, the current you. his voice kept you safe back then, but you don’t need his help as much anymore.

    or at least, that’s what i think…

    Liked by 2 people

  2. It seems to be part of our makeup to apportion ‘blame’ all the time. Some people blame themselves and some people blame anyone BUT themselves. Either way it is a bit pointless and rearward looking. And inaccurate.
    And blaming yourself for everything is a bit vain, really. You’re not that influential. Unless you are God.
    And sometimes good things happen in your life. Do you take credit for that? No?

    But, hey … don’t feel alone.
    We all do it.

    Liked by 2 people

    • I suppose it is vain, in a way. Although, my thoughts are less “it’s all about me” and more “I screw everything up”. My poor life choices are the cause… not some inflated sense of self-importance.
      You’re right — I don’t take credit for the good things. Somehow, it doesn’t seem like those come from me. Sometimes, it doesn’t seem like they come at all.

      Like

      • I did not mean ‘vain’ as a criticism … more intended as a suggestion of perspective …. most things that happen have absolutely nothing to do with you.

        We have less control than we delude ourselves into believing.

        Liked by 2 people

        • I understand.

          I think that lack of control is precisely why I arrived at my initial question. I know it to be true — I don’t have control over everything. Yet I still think everything’s my fault. I wish I could let that go… at least a little. But it just screams at me in my head… and I beat myself up over it constantly.

          Like

  3. There was a cyclone in Korea
    I didn’t make it stop
    It’s flooding in Albania
    I haven’t got a mop
    I don’t know how much more of life
    I can shamelessly endure
    When friends are getting cancer
    And I haven’t got a cure

    Have you heard of the tsunami?
    The latest killer wave?
    Did you realise it’s connected to
    The way that I behave?
    No, I didn’t save the world this week
    Next week will be the same
    Everything has turned to shit
    And I am all to blame

    Liked by 2 people

  4. Meg says:

    You can’t blame yourself for everything that goes wrong, but if even if you could, it’s not like you intentionally made bad things happen. Intent is a large part of the equation in life. Yes we all make mistakes, some of them doozies, but it doesn’t make us bad people. But if we intend to do harm, that is a whole different story.

    Liked by 1 person

    • I just can’t seem to get past that blame, though. I get so consumed by it that I can’t really function. Logically, I know it’s wrong but it’s still paralyzing and I don’t know how to stop it. I may not have intended to make bad things happen, but they did happen as a direct result of my own actions. That makes me feel fully responsible. I should have done better. Why couldn’t I do better?

      Liked by 1 person

      • Meg says:

        Well, I suppose a balance between learning from mistakes and not beating yourself up for them is the one to find. And we have to function within our limitations. We cannot for example (exaggerated) blame ourselves for not winning the Nobel prize for literature if we wrote a Harlequin Romance (no offense to Harlequin, but…) so if things are beyond your ability to accomplish, it is an exercise in futility to blame yourself for not getting them done. I wish I had there was a way you could turn that switch off!

        Liked by 1 person

        • The problem is that I should have prevented some of the things that suck but it’s too late now. I feel like it’s my fault for that… for my own emotions… for all the things like that. I know I need top stop beating myself up for those things, but I can’t seem to do that. I am always telling myself that it’s not my fault… but I don’t really believe that. I don’t know how to believe it…

          Like

  5. jackcollier7 says:

    You are wrong.
    It is not all your fault.
    It’s the fault of all the other bastards and bitches out there.
    Love yourself above all. ❤ ❤ ❤

    Liked by 2 people

    • It’s just that I can tie so many things directly to myself. It seems to be impossible for me to stop blaming myself. It’s hard to love someone who I think had ruined my life (me). But thank you for saying what you said. ♥ I wish I could make myself believe that it’s not all me.

      Like

  6. Ogden Fahey says:

    It seems unlikely to me you’re to blame for all this Sandra, most likely its just some normal shit, caused by life – one needs to blot it out with vice – thats my hot tip – binge drinking is my fave, but if thats not practical, perhaps theres some other activity might work for you? The pleasure has to outweigh the guilt, (easy for me cos I’m a “Geezer”) but for your own sake, I hope you can find a way through, you’re a good person, and I suspect you need to treat yourself “more” 🙂 XX

    Liked by 1 person

    • I don’t know what it is about you, but your thoughts and words always make me feel better. Maybe you’re a wizard or something.

      I do need something to get me to stop listening to the voices in my head that blame me for everything. I don’t drink much, so a binge would be, like, three drinks. (I guess I’m a cheap date.) I could get myself a cheesecake… but that would likely leave me with too much guilt. I can think of other physical pleasures but I don’t have the right partner for those.

      I rarely treat myself. Not even sure how to do that anymore. I feel guilty doing anything for myself since I’ve made such a mess of my life. I don’t feel that I deserve it.

      I don’t know if I’m a good person, but I’m glad you think I am. That must count for something. ♥ x

      Liked by 1 person

  7. Marquessa says:

    Not your fault at all. Its life’s fault. Even if it isn’t glamorous, do a little something different for yourself each day. Gives you something to look forward to.

    Liked by 1 person

    • I’m not sure what that would be. I feel guilty doing things for me. I don’t feel that I deserve anything… especially if there is a cost.

      It just seems that all the bad things are because of things I did. It feels like I created all of it. I don’t know how to stop feeling like it’s my fault. 😦

      Like

      • Marquessa says:

        Well, nothing I have done so far cost any money. Read a book, homemade pedicure, making jam…nothing to feel guilty about. How about trying a new recipe this week?

        Liked by 1 person

        • It’s hard because it hurts my back when I give myself a pedicure… so even though I love to have my toes all pretty, it can be torture to get there. Standing too long in the kitchen also sucks for my back. I am too difficult… too many obstacles. And I don’t know why but I haven’t felt like reading a book in months. Everything bores me. I just can’t get into anything. I’m sure it’s my emotional state. Everything feels like a chore… even things that would be a treat for most people. Sigh.

          Like

  8. I have nothing to say that hasn’t been said already. ❤ Sometimes shit happens and we can’t explain it. I know how you feel, but I am slowly starting to see that this line of thinking doesn’t lead anywhere. It just becomes one more thing that’s your fault.

    Sometimes I say to myself ‘if that’s my fault, what do I need to do to make it better?’. Often I realise that the first thing is to stop blaming myself. It’s a vicious cycle…

    Now… go and listen to It’s Not Your Fault by New Found Glory because that song popped into my head as I read your post lol.

    Liked by 1 person

    • I find that most of my thinking paths lead nowhere. Yet I still stay on those paths. Something is clearly wrong with me as I cannot seem to steer my thoughts another way.

      I do need to stop blaming myself. I don’t know how, but I guess I’ll just continue to tell myself it’s not my fault. Maybe eventually, I’ll start to believe it…

      Liked by 1 person

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