hopes, fears, and guilt.

For some reason… oh, you know, my whole life… and just aging in general, I’ve been feeling more lost than usual since my birthday last month.

But it’s all me.

It’s not you… it’s me. [Yeah, I really did just type that. Sorry.] But don’t worry. I’m not breaking up with you.

But you should know this…

• • •

Sometimes I have these feelings… good ones… positive ones. I’m beautiful. I’m a good writer… really good. [Sometimes I read my old stuff and think, “Wow! I wrote that?!”] I’m smart. I’m nice, not pompous or arrogant (two things I deeply hate). I have talent. I’m funny. People actually like me. [Weirdos.] Sometimes… I have those feelings… and I truly believe them. [But it still feels really weird saying them.]

Sometimes, I almost have a feeling of… confidence. I know. Me. It’s true. It makes me think I will be able to write again. Anything—poetry, stories, life. It makes me think I can make it.

I just… don’t know how to hold onto it… that feeling. It comes randomly for short bursts… too short… and then it goes. And when it goes… it goes. But my god, it feels amazing when those moments happen. But they are rare. Is that how ‘normal‘, ‘happy‘ people feel all the time? That must be fucking awesome. God, I want desperately to hold onto that feeling.

It’s just… the balance… it’s totally off… totally skewed.

• • •

I feel guilty when I’m down. I feel guilty when people are nice to me. I feel guilty because I am not all smiles and sunshine. If I have support and love from you, I should be good. I shouldn’t be down. I feel guilty.

I worry all the time that people are going to give up on me (or have already given up on me) because I never seem to be better.

But… does it not mean I’m better if I have those moments I described above?

This is not an all-or-nothing situation.

I remember the positive, wonderful, encouraging, kind things you beautiful people say to me… and about me. I repeat those things to myself every day. Yes, most of the time I struggle to believe them. But without you, I don’t know that I’d even be able to try.

Hell, you may have even made me have good thoughts about myself that originated in my own head. That’s new.

You help me. You probably don’t believe me because I’m not all good and happy and shit. And I’m sorry for that. But you help me.

• • •

My life is like a really bad dark comedy. I know it sounds like I’m exaggerating, but if you’ve known me for a while, you know I’m not. It’s a train wreck. I’m jinxed. The big issues don’t get better… they get worse. And new bad things seem to come up all the damn time.

I need a win. A big one. And no one can make that happen. [Not even me, despite what you’re about to say right now. Even if the reason I can’t make it happen is because I don’t believe I can, that changes nothing. I still can’t make it happen. The reason is irrelevant.]

I just don’t consistently have the capability to build myself up. I need someone else to do it. I need help. I need the support and the kind words. I struggle to give that to myself. I know that’s incredibly pathetic… and humiliating to admit, but it’s the truth.

And it seems that the truth, however upsetting, is all I can write at the moment…

 

©2018 what sandra thinks

         

[image: no copyright | public domain | not my artwork (I do not paint)]

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About what sandra thinks

Sandra is a writer, blogger, poet, artist, emotional disaster. She thinks far too much and sleeps far too little. Sandra lives in the Northeastern U.S. but dreams of an oceanfront home in Hawaii where she could learn to surf. She loves books, brutal honesty, coffee, and the color black. She hates insincerity, beer, whipped cream, and facebook. And she is uncomfortable talking about herself in the third person.
This entry was posted in anxiety, depression, life, writing and tagged , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

42 Responses to hopes, fears, and guilt.

  1. You’re not losing anybody. And you shouldn’t feel guilty about anything. Just wish those moments werent so short-lived. 😊

    Liked by 2 people

  2. Cyranny says:

    Listen to Sonofa, Sandra… He is a wise man!

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Ogden Fahey says:

    Oh yeah, the muse comes and goes! I think one might find ways and means to lure her back, but its a very foggy art for me too! X

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Yeah, what Beach said!

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Lee Dunn says:

    Your phrase “I feel guilty when people are nice to me” is exactly how I have felt when sick with depression. Someone tries to cheer you, and you almost want to tell them not to bother, because you feel it is a debt you cannot repay.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Meg says:

    You keep hanging onto the good moments and we’ll keep cheering you on, sweetie. I am happy that you are finding those good feelings even for just a little while at a time. I hope you have more of them and that big win happens soon. We’re not going anywhere!

    Liked by 2 people

  7. Hunida says:

    All of those good things you said about yourself in this post; they’re all true, Sandra. Believe them.

    Liked by 2 people

  8. hannah says:

    I found your blog a while ago (with an old account) and followed because I think you’re a great writer. Your posts are also very relatable, and although I wish that you weren’t struggling, I enjoy reading your posts, even if you think they’re one-note. I was on pins and needles waiting for each installment of your story Back to You! 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  9. lizsilva says:

    I want to say thank you for saying what is really inside and not mask the hole that seems so dark and full of no hope. you did reach out and some how I found the darkness of your words to hit my core for long time to write and not even know how to write just get it out do not hold back. the shadows in my dreams will come alive for your words help me get pass my dark place that know one care and who will ever think my nightmare is real. it is not for me to say only hold the light for you till you can hold it for me. thanks and I am here to blog my own story

    Liked by 1 person

  10. Mel Gutiér says:

    I’m taking your truth and treasuring it. Hugs… hugs… hugs… much love to you!! Always!

    Liked by 1 person

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