For some reason… oh, you know, my whole life… and just aging in general, I’ve been feeling more lost than usual since my birthday last month.
But it’s all me.
It’s not you… it’s me. [Yeah, I really did just type that. Sorry.] But don’t worry. I’m not breaking up with you.
But you should know this…
• • •
Sometimes I have these feelings… good ones… positive ones. I’m beautiful. I’m a good writer… really good. [Sometimes I read my old stuff and think, “Wow! I wrote that?!”] I’m smart. I’m nice, not pompous or arrogant (two things I deeply hate). I have talent. I’m funny. People actually like me. [Weirdos.] Sometimes… I have those feelings… and I truly believe them. [But it still feels really weird saying them.]
Sometimes, I almost have a feeling of… confidence. I know. Me. It’s true. It makes me think I will be able to write again. Anything—poetry, stories, life. It makes me think I can make it.
I just… don’t know how to hold onto it… that feeling. It comes randomly for short bursts… too short… and then it goes. And when it goes… it goes. But my god, it feels amazing when those moments happen. But they are rare. Is that how ‘normal‘, ‘happy‘ people feel all the time? That must be fucking awesome. God, I want desperately to hold onto that feeling.
It’s just… the balance… it’s totally off… totally skewed.
• • •
I feel guilty when I’m down. I feel guilty when people are nice to me. I feel guilty because I am not all smiles and sunshine. If I have support and love from you, I should be good. I shouldn’t be down. I feel guilty.
I worry all the time that people are going to give up on me (or have already given up on me) because I never seem to be better.
But… does it not mean I’m better if I have those moments I described above?
This is not an all-or-nothing situation.
I remember the positive, wonderful, encouraging, kind things you beautiful people say to me… and about me. I repeat those things to myself every day. Yes, most of the time I struggle to believe them. But without you, I don’t know that I’d even be able to try.
Hell, you may have even made me have good thoughts about myself that originated in my own head. That’s new.
You help me. You probably don’t believe me because I’m not all good and happy and shit. And I’m sorry for that. But you help me.
• • •
My life is like a really bad dark comedy. I know it sounds like I’m exaggerating, but if you’ve known me for a while, you know I’m not. It’s a train wreck. I’m jinxed. The big issues don’t get better… they get worse. And new bad things seem to come up all the damn time.
I need a win. A big one. And no one can make that happen. [Not even me, despite what you’re about to say right now. Even if the reason I can’t make it happen is because I don’t believe I can, that changes nothing. I still can’t make it happen. The reason is irrelevant.]
I just don’t consistently have the capability to build myself up. I need someone else to do it. I need help. I need the support and the kind words. I struggle to give that to myself. I know that’s incredibly pathetic… and humiliating to admit, but it’s the truth.
And it seems that the truth, however upsetting, is all I can write at the moment…
©2018 what sandra thinks
[image: no copyright | public domain | not my artwork (I do not paint)]
You’re not losing anybody. And you shouldn’t feel guilty about anything. Just wish those moments werent so short-lived. 😊
LikeLiked by 2 people
I do, too. I never know when they’re going to come… or if they’re going to come… and they never last. And I never know if it will be the last.
The fact is… I have already lost people. At least one. I think that there are people who truly believe I am a hopeless case and there is no point bothering with me. Were they only my friend because I was a ‘project’ for them… and when they couldn’t ‘fix’ me, they just bailed? Maybe… but hell, professionals can’t even fix me! What I need here are friends…
LikeLiked by 1 person
Well, if that was their intent, and bailed for any reason, they weren’t a really good friend. I can only speak for myself, of course, but I’m not bailing. I just hope some good comes your way, sooner than later. 😊
LikeLiked by 1 person
I don’t know if that was the intent… but it happened.
This is kind of off topic but… Sometimes… like now, for some reason, I feel like being here is not good for me… but then it is good for me because of my friends. I don’t fully understand why being here sometimes makes me feel bad inside.
LikeLiked by 1 person
I don’t either. Any theories? 🤔
LikeLiked by 1 person
Extreme boredom… feeling alone… and like there is no point to me being here.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Of course there’s a point to you being here! You make us smile, feel, hurt, laugh, and even cry. We all serve some sorta purpose here, or in life in general.
LikeLiked by 1 person
The boredom brings me down so much. Everything I think of to do, including writing, seems pointless…
LikeLiked by 1 person
I don’t think it’s pointless. I wish you here more often. I also wish I could snap you outta this funk! 😐
LikeLiked by 1 person
You know what? This comment… is exactly what I was talking about when I said that I can’t seem to build myself up but others can. You make me feel like people (at least you) want me around. 🙂 This morning and earlier today, I felt awful… but now it’s better (except for a small-ish family issue).
So thank you… ♥
LikeLiked by 1 person
You don’t have to thank me for anything. If it made you feel better, even a little, then I’m happy. 😊
LikeLiked by 1 person
Listen to Sonofa, Sandra… He is a wise man!
LikeLiked by 1 person
I know he is. Not sure I’m ever going to stop feeling guilty, though. And I know people do give up on me…
LikeLike
We all have people who give up on us…. It happens. But I hope you keep in mind that you have a tight community around you here 🙂 xx
LikeLiked by 1 person
I wouldn’t have any friends if I didn’t have everyone here…
LikeLiked by 1 person
And it is useless to think about that, since you DO have us, Gorgeous 🙂 xx
LikeLiked by 1 person
♥
LikeLiked by 1 person
Oh yeah, the muse comes and goes! I think one might find ways and means to lure her back, but its a very foggy art for me too! X
LikeLiked by 1 person
I’d love to know how to make those moments happen. But it’s a mystery to me…
LikeLiked by 1 person
Yeah, what Beach said!
LikeLiked by 1 person
I don’t know if I’ll ever stop feeling guilty… and worrying about losing people…
LikeLike
Your phrase “I feel guilty when people are nice to me” is exactly how I have felt when sick with depression. Someone tries to cheer you, and you almost want to tell them not to bother, because you feel it is a debt you cannot repay.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Exactly. Or I almost want to tell them not to bother because it probably won’t work and then I will feel guilty because it didn’t work and they will be one step closer to giving up on me…
LikeLiked by 1 person
You keep hanging onto the good moments and we’ll keep cheering you on, sweetie. I am happy that you are finding those good feelings even for just a little while at a time. I hope you have more of them and that big win happens soon. We’re not going anywhere!
LikeLiked by 2 people
Thank you. ♥ I wish I could hang on to those feelings when they come. I still seem to have an issue where if I feel good, I start to wonder why. With all the bad stuff, how can I feel good? And that starts to kill it… but I fight that… but sometimes I lose…
LikeLiked by 1 person
Try to hang on a little longer each time. And like Meg said… we will be here to cheer you on.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thank you
LikeLiked by 1 person
Keep fighting it. Every little win is progress. ❤️
LikeLiked by 1 person
All of those good things you said about yourself in this post; they’re all true, Sandra. Believe them.
LikeLiked by 2 people
I will try to believe them. Sometimes, I have trouble… but I try. Thank you. ♥
LikeLiked by 1 person
Try… because Hunida is right… you are the good things not the bad.
LikeLiked by 2 people
Thanks ♥
LikeLiked by 1 person
I found your blog a while ago (with an old account) and followed because I think you’re a great writer. Your posts are also very relatable, and although I wish that you weren’t struggling, I enjoy reading your posts, even if you think they’re one-note. I was on pins and needles waiting for each installment of your story Back to You! 🙂
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thank you so much. I’ve been having a lot of trouble writing fiction lately so this comment means a lot to me! 🙂
LikeLiked by 1 person
🙂
LikeLiked by 1 person
I want to say thank you for saying what is really inside and not mask the hole that seems so dark and full of no hope. you did reach out and some how I found the darkness of your words to hit my core for long time to write and not even know how to write just get it out do not hold back. the shadows in my dreams will come alive for your words help me get pass my dark place that know one care and who will ever think my nightmare is real. it is not for me to say only hold the light for you till you can hold it for me. thanks and I am here to blog my own story
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thank you for reading and sharing your thoughts. I’m glad that you found a connection to something I shared.
LikeLiked by 1 person
I have in so many ways thank you so much
LikeLiked by 1 person
I’m taking your truth and treasuring it. Hugs… hugs… hugs… much love to you!! Always!
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thank you… ♥
LikeLiked by 1 person
💕
LikeLiked by 1 person
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thank you for sharing such deep honesty! I face so much fear in life. My daughter almost died right after she was born from a freak incident. I’ve quickly realized life is too short and way to fragile. Thankfully she survived. And I have my faith in Jesus to lean on. But I struggle so much. Thanks for sharing. I do have my daughter story a few posts down if you would like to read it.
BloomsandBeautifuls.wordpress.com
LikeLike