feeling it. revisited.

Posted on 30 May 2018 by what sandra thinks

I can’t remember how I got there, but I found myself reading a very old post of mine the other day. It was something I posted during my second month blogging. I wrote it after I came across something I’d written years before… and… well, I won’t repeat myself… you can read the post. I’ll wait…

feeling it.
(originally posted 24 October 2015)
This afternoon I read a story I wrote years ago, and for the life of me, I cannot figure out how I ever managed to get through it. It made me incredibly anxious. It’s a good thing – a piece of writing so compelling it affected my psychological state – even when I already knew the ending. But I’m still tense now.  Read the rest of this post →

Done? Cool.

Here’s the thing: I wish I knew what story I was referring to when I wrote that post! After thinking about it for a few days, I think I may have figured it out… but I’m still not sure. If I’m right, it’s not a story I’ve shared here. Maybe it’s too painful for me. I don’t want to cry. That happens way too often lately already.

I really should have left more of a clue in the post… even if just for me. I could have just dropped in one of my working titles… Warning Sign. Unless, of course, it’s not that story.

Now I feel like I have to dig through all of my old notebooks to confirm that I’m right. Maybe that will occupy me for a few hours… or longer. Too bad I feel guilty when I engage in such selfish, fruitless pursuits.

 

©2018 what sandra thinks

         

About what sandra thinks

Sandra is a writer, sometimes blogger, poet, artist, emotional disaster. She thinks far too much and sleeps far too little. Sandra lives in the Northeastern U.S. but dreams of an oceanfront home in Italy, but she would settle for a non-oceanfront home in Italy. She loves books, brutal honesty, coffee, and the color black. She hates insincerity, beer, whipped cream, and facebook. And she is uncomfortable talking about herself in the third person.
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39 Responses to feeling it. revisited.

  1. sonofabeach96 says:
    30 May 2018 at 11:20 pm

    If it feeds you, it’s not fruitless. 😊

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply
    • what sandra thinks says:
      31 May 2018 at 12:00 am

      I just feel like anything that is only for me is too self-indulgent. It makes me feel guilty… and makes what I wrote about yesterday worse. So yeah… good to have something to do but I wish I wouldn’t feel so guilty about it…

      Liked by 1 person

      Reply
      • sonofabeach96 says:
        31 May 2018 at 8:26 am

        I hear ya’. But it’s perfectly fine to do something for just you. I used to struggle with that notion myself. But you’re as important as anybody else. Give yourself something every now and then. It’s ok. 😃

        Liked by 1 person

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        • what sandra thinks says:
          31 May 2018 at 8:48 am

          If I wasn’t in my current situation, maybe I wouldn’t feel bad about it, but without a job… without doing anything worthwhile, doing something that’s just for me feels wrong. It would be good if it would at least help with the bored hopelessness I am swallowed by every morning, but those thoughts won’t leave my head anyway. After my “not a morning person” post, I really thought I was onto something… but then I realized that none of that is working either. I’m just lost.

          Liked by 1 person

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          • sonofabeach96 says:
            31 May 2018 at 8:50 am

            I’m so sorry. I was so hoping you’d feel somewhat better by now. How can I help? Anything? 😕

            Liked by 1 person

            Reply
            • what sandra thinks says:
              31 May 2018 at 9:45 am

              I really don’t know. I thought making myself get out more and keeping busy would help but that awful feeling just won’t go away. I guess that’s not the answer. I feel like there isn’t one. And I feel like all I do is post about this and it makes me think I should just stop blogging. It’s not that it’s a negative thing or anything like that. It’s just that I don’t have anything worthwhile to contribute so I’m just kind of here… with my issues… and that’s all I ever talk about with anyone because it’s all I post and it seems that it’s all I am. But I can’t get it out of my head. Every day I feel like there is no way I can handle feeling this way every day for the rest of my life. It’s unbearable. I think this is why people check out. I always think… why would anyone do that? There has to be someone or something that can help… quitting isn’t the answer. But I can’t find whatever help it is that I need. So I understand now.

              I’m sorry… I didn’t mean to go on and on.

              Liked by 1 person

              Reply
  2. Miriam says:
    31 May 2018 at 1:28 am

    It’s not selfish at all. Go for it … 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply
  3. ladieswholunchreviews says:
    31 May 2018 at 8:13 am

    Miri is right. Taking care of your needs is not selfish or wrong!

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply
  4. Meg says:
    31 May 2018 at 11:54 am

    For a writer, digging through old notebooks is work! I revisit old stuff all the time looking for a subplot I can exploit. Maybe it will feel less self indulgent (which it is not IMHO) if you look at it that way. And the others are right, it is appropriate to look after your own needs. ❤️

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply
  5. jrvincente says:
    5 June 2018 at 7:06 pm

    I hate when I write myself notes and then can’t remember what I was referring to! Hope you figure it out for certain. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply
  6. Mel Gutiér says:
    19 June 2018 at 12:28 am

    Coming back to this. I’m intrigued. 😀

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    Reply

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