[Sorry this is long. For the record, I am a little scared to post this because I’ve recently felt attacked by some comments (though I know that was not the intention)… and I do NOT need anyone to kick me when I’m down. It only makes things worse even if you think you’re helping.]
• • •
My emotions used to get the best of me at night. Everything would snowball in my head. It would all feel darker, bigger, more painful than ever. I used to hurry to bed so I could sleep to stop thinking and wake to daylight… where nothing would seem as huge and overwhelming.
It’ll all feel better in the morning.
Somewhere along the way, there was a shift. A complete one-eighty.
I dread the morning.
It’s not that I’m one of those people who stumbles around like a zombie when I drag my ass out of bed. Once my eyes are open, I’m up. This isn’t about being sleepy or wanting to sleep in. It’s something else.
Everyone’s home at night. I’m sure that helps… but I’m still alone for a few hours. By the time the kids are both in bed, my husband is usually in his basement cave or has fallen asleep. I watch television (addicted to late night talk shows)… and while I do, I write or maybe work on shop designs (though lately, I lack inspiration). I go to bed around 1:30, when Seth Meyers ends. I’m not going to lie… sometimes I watch Last Call, too… which ends at 2am. And sometimes I read for a bit before sleeping.
Aside from my recent frustration with not being able to write, I’m good at night. I feel okay. I don’t (usually) fall into the deep, dark pit of despair. And when I finally do go to bed, I have no trouble sleeping. But I almost wish I did… because the longer the night goes on, the farther away morning seems.
But morning comes. Husband goes to work. Kids go to school.
That’s when it happens.
It starts on my [very short] drive home from my daughter’s school. I get that sick feeling in my stomach. I can feel the sting of tears in my eyes. They’ve usually fallen before I get back to this quiet, empty house.
I try to do something. Anything. But nothing feels right. Everything seems pointless… and really fucking boring. The worst thing I try? To go back to sleep to avoid the morning completely… which only makes me feel worse when I get up.
I have no purpose… which, in turn, makes me feel like I have no worth. And it leaves me feeling like my entire existence is pointless.
Wait, no, I take it back. I think my family is my purpose. But I need something that’s just for me, too. I don’t know what that is.
So I feel bored and empty and just… bad. I try to figure out how I’m going to get through the day, but I can’t. I’m overwhelmed. And all I can think is… it’s going to be like this again tomorrow. Even if I get through today, how will I get through tomorrow? How will I get through all of the other days? I don’t want to feel like this every day. Or ever.
It worries me even more lately because now this feeling comes even on days when I’m not alone. I had been thinking I might feel better once school let out for summer break—I wouldn’t be alone—but ‘alone‘ isn’t a prerequisite for these feelings anymore. They just come. Every morning.
By afternoon, those feelings fade somewhat. What I don’t understand is that the fading starts before I pick up the kids. So it’s not solely because my ‘purposes‘ (kids) are getting out of school. There’s something else. I don’t know what it is. But then the picking up of kids and everything after that comes into play, and before I know it, it’s the evening… the night… when things (usually) don’t seem as bad.
But morning comes again. Yeah. It comes every day. Stupid morning. And there’s the panic, the sick feeling, the guilt, the tears, the overwhelming sadness. Every day. It’s like nothing I’ve ever felt before. I wish I could explain it… but I don’t think I can make anyone really understand. I can’t describe it other than to say it’s the lowest and scariest thing I’ve ever felt.
I need something for me. But I can’t figure out what that is. And I feel guilty about it anyway. I feel like I don’t deserve to come up with ‘whatever I want‘ and pursue it…. because what I really need is not ‘whatever I want‘… it’s a job. [Although a job shouldn’t be my purpose in life… unless it’s some dream job… but I don’t even know what that would be.] Anyway, the job hunting isn’t working out, and I don’t want to discuss it because it brings me down more than almost everything else.
• • •
I usually come to the conclusion that I don’t know what to do or what I need. But I can see from writing this post that I do have some ideas (some from you—just get out of the house, volunteer, talk to random people… or professionals, etc.). If only I could figure out how to actually do those things.
However small and easy some of those things might seem to you, to me, it feels like moving mountains. So, you know, impossible. Why can’t I find motivation? Strength? Everything scares me. Nothing drives me. I think it’s because the first step is finding a purpose… and I’m stuck on that one. I think it’s why even when I come up with things to do, I feel that they’re pointless and a lot of the time, I end up not doing them.
I don’t know if I’m ever going to figure it out… but in the meantime… I fear morning. I dread it. And it’ll be here again tomorrow… too soon for me.
[By the way… it being afternoon now… and me being able to write this post—I’m doing okay. But the morning……]
©2018 what sandra thinks
what sandra thinks 
What if you found some way to volunteer? At the library or the local hospital -something that would give you a feeling of purpose because you really would be doing something worthwhile. And who knows, maybe some sort of volunteer service would open the door to a job eventually. Usually you can volunteer as much or as little as you want, so it wouldn’t mess up your schedule at home either. Just a thought! ❤️❤️
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What a great idea, Meg! I really think that could be a solution 🙂 🙂 🙂
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See my reply to Meg. That is mountain moving. I can’t do it. I have tried. It’s been suggested to me many many times. But I can’t do it. Strangers… social anxiety… someone would literally have to go with me… hold my hand… and get it all set up for me before I’d be able to do it. 😦 This is why I’m a failure.
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You’re not a failure… That’s for sure.
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I don’t know about that. People give me perfectly reasonable and good suggestions, but I can’t do them. It feels like I’m failing. I hate that I’m like this.
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Step by step, Gorgeous. Your pace… The importance is to go forward and not back up 🙂 xx I am sure you can do that.
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Maybe. It doesn’t feel like I’m going anywhere. The mornings are killing me…
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If I may try another idea… You seem to have lovely outdoor places near your house. What about going out in a place you find beautiful, and where there aren’t people around, and spend some time surounded by nature, in the morning, when things are really hard? Maybe once to try it first, then twice a week, then more if you can….
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Thank you. ♥ There are some nice places. I wish there were more (I would love to move farther from the city…). Even going for a walk is good to get me out of the house. I wish I was able to write because then I could sit somewhere and write… but instead what happens is that I get really bored. It’s still good to get out but I wish it helped for longer. It does break up the morning. I just wish I didn’t always feel so bored. Still, I try to do this as much as I can. Sometimes, I fail… and it sucks when it rains…
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I’ve heard this suggestion before… many times. It is exactly something that falls into the category of moving mountains. It’s a good idea… I wish I could do it… but I can’t. I am not good with people… strangers especially. I get so anxious I feel sick. Basically, I start to have a panic attack just thinking about doing something like that. I know that’s “not an excuse” (as some people (not you) like to tell me and make me feel like garbage), but if I can’t physically get myself to do it, how can I… do it? I don’t know how to get past that. I know this sort of thing is easy for other people. But I don’t know how to get to a place where I can do it. It makes me feel like a failure. (NOT your fault!! Please know that!) ♥♥♥
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No, I understand. I was just thinking that maybe it could be a segue to a job. Ease back into being around people regularly but with your own self imposed limits. And maybe there could be something that wouldn’t require “customer service” type work, with a lot of interaction with people. One of my patients volunteers at a charity thrift store – her job is to sort the donated clothes by size and price them. She does it one morning a week because of chronic fatigue syndrome but it still gives her a sense of satisfaction, you know? Anyway, I don’t want to incite a panic attack! You know what you can and can’t handle. ❤️❤️❤️
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No no… it’s not your fault at all. ♥ I knew people would try to help when I published this post. I almost didn’t do it because of that and because of something that happened here over the weekend.
It’s just really hard not to feel like a failure when people suggest things that make perfect sense, but I can’t do them. It makes me feel terrible that I can’t do things. Why is it so easy for most people? And why is it so hard for me? I hate the way I am so much. This is the kind of stuff about me that makes me feel so terrible about myself… and it’s the same stuff I don’t know how to fix.
Oh… and of course, I have the whole back pain situation. I can’t be on my feet… 😦
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I don’t really know how to answer that – why is it so hard for you… I wish I could be that person to hold your hand and help you get started. I know you feel like a failure, but you absolutely are not. Your successes are just measured in different ways. How do you quantify motherhood, for example? And just because you don’t get paid to write does not mean you aren’t a successful writer. A whole lot of what you do is successful, just not in the financial sense. I really hope you can find a way to believe that, sweetie! 😘
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I know there’s no answer to the questions I ask… most of the time. I guess that’s why they’re so frustrating. I’m not feeling particularly successful as a mother lately. My kids argue constantly… it’s like they hate each other… and my daughter is a bit defiant. As for the writing… I don’t know. I have been proud of some of my work but I don’t know if I’ll ever have any more fiction. I think my best years are behind me…
Thanks for being so sweet and supportive. ♥ I really wish I wasn’t such a mess.
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You are brave and honest. You know yourself better than anyone else. I won’t suggest anything but I have no doubt you will figure it out eventually.
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Thank you. ♥ I just want the mornings to get better. They are awful.
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*hug* That’s frustrating. 😦 I actually spent quite a bit of time talking to my counselor about similar feelings I have when I don’t have a structured schedule. Hopefully you’ll find what works for you.
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I hope so. I really wish I could find a good counselor who ‘gets me’… and I wish I didn’t feel like I can’t afford regular copayments. As much as I’ve failed with therapy in the past, I think it is something I need. I’m just frustrated with not being able to find the right person.
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My first thought when I read this was volunteering too but I’ve just read the comments and I totally get you. I think the hardest thing is that lack of structure and enforced routine that comes with a job. Trust me, I know about that. I miss it. Maybe get yourself out in nature like C said, take some pics, try and stir things up a bit in your world, it doesn’t have to involve other people. I think just getting out sometimes can shift our thinking. You don’t have to move mountains. Baby steps okay, that’s all. Big hugs xx
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Thank you. ♥ I have tried to make a schedule so I don’t have that lack of structure problem. Of course, that’s not easy when I don’t know what to put on the schedule. I think I’m really stuck right now… because I’m so bored… and I don’t know what I want. Even things I would not have previously thought were boring sound incredibly dull to me now. I wish I could find something that I’m really excited about…
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Hey you’ve made a start that’s good. You’ve got a schedule, just put anything on it, it doesn’t matter what, just get out and go somewhere, things will start to open up.
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I hope so. The boredom and emptiness are really torture.
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Would your mom go with you to look into a volunteer position? I know you trust her but I don’t know if she’s aware of what’s going on with you?
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My mom knows what’s going on with me for the most part. But she lives just over an hour away… and she does not like to drive very far from home… especially from south of Boston to north of Boston. She kind of panics. I wish we lived closer to each other. I’m sure she would help me. She’s really good with people… with making friends… kind of the opposite of me!
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Every morning I wake up… I panic, too. Like, “gosh what am I supposed to be stressing about?” Sometimes it all hits me and i just want to crawl back into bed but sometimes it’s nothing but I still wake up with that unsure feeling. You’re not alone, ever. *hugs*
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Thanks ♥ I am just so frustrated that it happens every day… even when I try everything to distract myself.
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I hope everything works out for you!
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Thank you
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You are amazing just the way you are, go at your own pace! Sending lots of love, hope and support your way! Keep it up you’re doing great!
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