I know I am constantly on your mind and you need to know my thoughts on a daily basis. That is why I’m writing this post. You’re welcome. [Sarcasm, in case you didn’t get that. But really… how could you not?]
I decided to self-medicate to see if I can get any pain relief for my back. Don’t worry, it’s just OTC stuff. I have been told many times that taking something regularly works differently (better?) than just popping a pill when you have a headache. (The latter doesn’t work for me at all… even for a headache. For that, caffeine works. Too bad that doesn’t work for my back. But I take that regularly anyway.) So far (and I’m not very far into this ‘experiment’)… no change. Honestly, I don’t expect any change at all. Except that I’m going to need to buy more Advil.
I’m still putting off the car-needs-new-tires thing. But I don’t want to end up in an emergency situation on the side of the road somewhere. I’m going to have to do this. With some money. That I will get from who the fuck knows where.
I still can’t write much of anything. I thought a distraction would help, but I have so much (SO MUCH) trouble motivating myself to do anything that distraction is a problem. I feel a little sick all the time (still) and I just don’t care much about anything.
I still haven’t repainted my fucking toenails. No one thinks there is anything wrong with this color… except me. Maybe I just can’t bring myself to like anything about myself. That’s a real possibility.
But… I forced myself (and I do mean forced) to go out this morning. I went to the beach for a little while. A very calm peaceful beach. I shouldn’t have done that since this particular beach is about twenty-five minutes away from my home and there’s that whole pesky tire situation. The irony is that I almost didn’t make it home because my gas light came on and I was nowhere near a station… nothing to do with my tires.
Anyway… this is a boring post… and I hate it. But here are some pictures I took this morning.
It looks like the ocean is boiling and steam is coming from it. Weird.
This is a rocky beach…
But the rocks look pretty cool.
Again with the steam-looking clouds.
There were a lot of seagulls overhead. I’m surprised I didn’t get pooped on because that’s how my ‘luck‘ is.
And I will leave you with thoughts of seagull poop. Yeah, that’s about right.
©2018 what sandra thinks
what sandra thinks 
For tires, get used ones on ebay. I blew out one tire on my car, and since it’s AWD, I’m told that I had to replace all of them. They have to all have similar wear. Sooooo, I went on ebay and found this one seller who sold my tires with various levels of wear. I found one that matched my wear and got it for 60 dollars, free shipping. The tire new was 215.00 locally.
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I will check it out. Right now, my husband is waiting for (and hoping for) one of those buy 2 get 2 deals they sometimes have. Of course, who knows when that’ll come up again…
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Hey! Not getting pooped on by a seagull is a big-time positive! Things are looking up. Well, actually, with a gaggle of seagulls overhead, Looking up may not be such a great idea. I’m super glad you got out of the house. Surely that was a nice way to spend the morning? Do it EVERY DAY! 😊😊
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I do not feel good about driving there daily unless I get those (fucking) new tires.
I was also disappointed with my pictures. The beach is too rocky and mellow. But whatever. It smells like the ocean.
And when the fuck is Dunkin Donuts going to bring back their Butter Pecan flavor?? I don’t need this addition to my stress. I know, that is really unrelated… but it has been pissing me off.
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Hahaha! Butter pecan donuts or coffee? And I was just thinking, I smell a poem involving seagull poop. Ok, maybe smell is the wrong term, but you get my drift. Inspiration can come from anywhere. If you can write something based on banana hammock, anything is possible. 😃😃
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Coffee. I don’t know if there was a donut. I tend to use the drive-thru so I’m not tempted by donuts because I could eat a dozen a day… but that would be bad.
I don’t know about a poem… especially on that topic. I really don’t know what happened to me… I used to be able to write multiple poems a day… sometimes they’d take me 5 minutes to write. It felt effortless. But that’s gone now. I don’t know if it’s because my life is incredibly boring or what.
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It’s not gone. It’s just playing Marco/Polo in the back of your brain. 😊
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Well, my brain is fucked up and this has been going on for a very long time. I don’t think I’m going to come out of it.
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Not if you convince yourself you won’t. The brain is a powerful thang.
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Oh 😛 … I can never make anything happen by thinking it. Or thinking positive thoughts about it. Or anything like that. Maybe that works for some people but not for me. And NO it doesn’t *not work* because I don’t think it works. It doesn’t work because it just doesn’t. Or maybe I should say it has never worked. That is a fact…
My brain is only powerful in fucking me up.
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You know what my response would be to that….so I’ll spare you the irritation of actually having to read it….and raspberrying me again. 😏😏
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If what you think/say is actually true, why hasn’t anything gone right for me? I have gone into plenty of things with a positive attitude. It doesn’t matter. I’m never going to believe any of it until there is proof. Until then, I can only go by the facts. I was positive I wouldn’t have too much trouble finding a job when I got laid off. I was positive the pain docs would be able to help me. And more stuff… that still didn’t turn out the way I hoped and thought. So explain to me how that works???
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I don’t know how it works. And, if you truly believe, not just try to believe, that good things will come, that things will work out ok, or that situations are just temporary, then positive things generally come ones way. That’s what I believe. That’s what I employ in, and apply to, my life. Now, that wasn’t always the case. I was angry, bitter, and didn’t trust any fucking one for most of my youth, and into my 20’s. I was a bit volatile. And heading down a slippery path. No, I didn’t find religion. I’m anti-religion. No, this isn’t even a god thing at all. I just got tired of feeling like I did. In rehab, we sometimes say about balance and incoordination, That your body follows your head. If your head is in alignment, the body will be as well. This applies in this discussion too, I think. This is…I don’t know what you’d call it…a life force, the yin and yang of the universe, karma, spiritual, my hippie showing, mumbo jumbo. Whatever. But, I fully trust that if I’m positive, then positive will be attracted. I’ve seen it work…personally.
I wonder sometimes if people here look at my pics and think I’m living some sorta stress free, happy life at all times, like one of those people on Facebook that others complain about. The perfect life, yada, yada. Let me tell you something. While I love to take and share beautiful places and scenes, don’t let that fool any of you into thinking we are always hunky dory. We’ve been blindsided by countless tragedies, loss, despair, financial struggles, the loss of a job…3 months before the twins were born, a leap of faith on the disaster of a home we bought, autism, preemies, pediatric cardiologists and pulmonologists, the near loss of a marriage, etc, etc, etc. But if you give in to that shit, it’ll consume you. Rapidly. Fight, dammit! Fuck this. Circumstances are a motherfucker sometimes. Yes. I know. Been there, done that…several times over. But don’t let them define you. What defines you, how you respond to the shit storm that is this sometimes god foresaken life we all lead. Where’s that? Where is that will to fight hiding in there? I know it’s in there. Don’t forget it’s there. Please.
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Honestly, yeah, your life looks pretty perfect from your posts. I know it’s not. I know you’ve dealt with a LOT. But if I didn’t know you and only saw your posts, I’d think your life is perfect. And that’s okay.
I don’t have the will to fight. I don’t doubt that I used to have it. I’m sure it was there once upon a time. But it’s not there anymore. I lost it because nothing has gone right for me for so fucking long. I lost it because no matter how hard I try… no matter what I try… nothing improves. I think I unconsciously gave up. Due to history. Due to the facts.
They do define me because I don’t have anything else anymore. This is all my life is.
I am at a loss because I am not capable of thinking positively all the time. I do the best I can. And YES I was fucking certain that I would be better once I saw the pain doc. And I was certain that I would be able to find a job. Neither of those things happened. And I’m sorry, but when everything in my life turns to shit, how the fuck am I supposed to be positive all the time? I don’t have it in me. This is just how I am… who I am. Maybe you’re right… maybe my head isn’t in alignment so the rest is fucked up. Well… I’ve been trying for years to get my head aligned. It doesn’t work.
Tell me… how do I “truly believe” instead of just try? Trying hasn’t gotten me there. What else can I do? “Just do it”??? “Just believe it”??? I don’t have it in me. It’s just not who I am. And I have no way of changing that. If I could “just do it” I would have done it a long fucking time ago.
If my life being remotely decent depends on me becoming a positive person, I am totally fucked. Everyone isn’t like that. We are not all the same. That is not who I am. So I’ve guaranteed myself a shitty life then? I guess so. That’s what everyone tells me. That my life will be shit forever. Oh, no one uses those words but what they do say is the exact same thing. It’s not like I can do anything about it. This is the hand I’ve been dealt.
So tell me. How do I “truly believe”? Because telling me to just do it is the equivalent of telling me “don’t have depression anymore”. I cannot just snap my fingers and make that happen. Not even a little bit. And the more people tell me I can or should or whatever, the worse I feel. The more I feel like a failure, a fuck up, a waste of a life. Whenever I say I can’t do something, it’s because I CAN’T not because I don’t want to… not because I’m lazy or stupid or anything else. It’s because I literally cannot do it.
I’m sorry if this sounds like I’m yelling at *you*… I don’t mean to. I’m just *extremely* frustrated with people telling me to “just do” something. My fucking therapist told me that! He should know better. It is the number one most NOT helpful thing I hear. Might as well just tell me I’m a big fucking failure and should just end it all now.
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I’m just trying to encourage you to not give up. Not give in. I didn’t say anything about snapping fingers or quick fixes. It doesn’t work that way. Took me years. Anything I’ve ever tried to change about my outlook or mindset has taken years to alter. Not just thinking positively. I’m not saying happy, happy rainbows and butterflies makes new tires appear, or the perfect job will suddenly appear in flier left in your mailbox. I’m not trying to minimize anything you’re feeling. Not am I saying anything remotely near “stop being depressed”. I more than sorry if I came off like that. I hope you know that. The last thing I want is to make you feel worse. I’m just trying to spark that fire. I want so badly for that to happen.
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I understand. I really do. I am frustrated… with myself… with all of it.
It feels like all anyone ever tells me is that I have to think a certain way or things will never go well for me. And when I can’t think that way, there’s something wrong with me and I’m a failure… and obviously, nothing will go well for me.
I have been trying to train myself to think differently since the first time I ever saw a therapist… over 20 years ago. Obviously, something is wrong with me because I haven’t been able to do it.
If changing my level of positivity or changing anything about the way I see things is the only answer, I’m screwed. I know I shouldn’t say this… but come on, let’s face it, changing my brain? being positive? It’s never going to happen. It’s not who I am… I think I would literally have to be a different person. 100% different… as in not me anymore. Should that be my goal? I don’t even think that’s possible…
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Absolutely not, that shouldn’t be your goal. You can never not be you. I don’t know, man. I don’t have the answers. I just don’t. I want so badly for something good to come your way. So badly. I have no idea why things happen the way they do. Maybe I’ve just smoked too much grass over the years, and my Pollyanna theories are bullshit. I don’t know. I got nothin’. 😕
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Maybe I haven’t smoked enough…
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It’s as good a theory as any. 😏
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Although the car situation will be there until it gets done, at least you took some “ME” time and went to the beach. Gorgeous pictures by the way, where were they taken?
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Along the coast north of Boston. And thank you!
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I enjoyed your trip to the beach too. It’s good luck if a seagull poops on you – well that’s what all the pooped on people say!
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I had a pigeon situation many years ago in London. I don’t want to experience anything like it ever again!
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Man I would totally be at that beach all the time… You are really lucky to have water that close to you! My closest beach is the Jersey Shore and well… its the Jersey Shore (ugh) 😏 You have to go all the way to the southern end to get past the cheesiness of the shore. Anyway… I think your photos are lovely! I was going to ask if Amazon sells tires because you know why…. 😉
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Haha… yes. I know.
There are some beaches around here that I won’t go to because they are just… ugh. So I know what you mean. That’s why I go 25 minutes away rather than to a couple of the closer ones. I hate when I have to drive through an icky place to get to the water…
Honestly, the beach is pretty and I love the ocean smell… but I get bored just sitting there or walking around by myself. It’s nice… but kind of depressing at the same time.
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I could stare at the ocean all day… nap, maybe rad a little. Ahhhhhhhhh
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Yeah, I get bored as hell. I rarely last more than about 45 minutes, tops.
Of course, I end up thinking about everything and get to a point where I need to go cry.
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Aw, honey…. 😞 💙
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Plus it was only about 55 today.
I’m sorry. I feel like hell. I’m frustrated that I have to figure out how to be someone else if I ever want to be happy. Because I will never be happy as myself. The way I am… those things don’t allow for happiness. I can try to change them all I want, but it doesn’t work. Pretend until I really believe it? I’ve tried. The “really believe it” part never happens… and without that, I will never be happy. I have been working on this since I was about 15 years old. It’s obviously not going to happen.
Sorry I just dumped that all on you. You don’t need to respond. Just ranting, really.
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No it’s ok. Don’t have to apologize. I wish I had answers though… I will say this: becoming someone else is appealing to me on sooooo many levels, I’ve got specific points along my timeline where I would choose another path, to the point of being nearly obsessive about it. (If only I’d shoved Linda K. back on the playground when I was in kindergarten…) And chucking it all and faking my own death is a recurring fantasy so I get it. So far I haven’t figured out how to recoup what I feel like I’ve lost but I haven’t given up on trying yet. Don’t you either. Maybe a few more crappy times are coming. But after that? Maybe things will change. I feel like the universe likes to reach stasis. Balance. You’ve had your share of the bad, it’s time for the good. And i don’t mean that in a ‘self help ish’ kind of way. And I’m hoping for it for myself too.
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You know I’m right there with you on the specific moments when I wish I could make different decisions. There are so many.
But you’re a better, stronger person than I. I don’t feel like I *can* recoup what I’ve lost. I feel like it’s too late for me. I feel exhausted. I feel like it just can’t happen because I can’t figure out how to truly believe that it can. It’s an oxymoron… or whatever term I’m looking for. (I am having a ‘stupid’ day.)
It’s hard for me to believe that anything good is coming because I’ve gotten to where I assume I just don’t deserve it. I assume my life now is what I’ve earned throughout my life up to now. I’ve never been good enough… and this is payback or something.
But I do have moments when I think “things *have to* get better… it can’t be like this forever…” Do I really believe that? Sometimes. But that’s probably not good enough…
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I am sorry that you are having a down period in your life. If anyone can relate it is me. Not even just my past shit…. I am feeling in the dumps for the past two weeks for no dam reason. Fucking emotions. I used to be a big believer in the whole positive mind positive life mantra but I have come to realize that positive thinking can also lead to negative feelings because your basically telling your brain there is something wrong with it but there is not. There are two books I have been meaning to write up reviews for that change my perceptive on the subject. The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck: A Counterintuitive Approach to Living a Good Life and The Antidote Happiness for People Who Can’t Stand Positive Thinking. They really made me reevaluate.
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I should look into those books because I may explode the next time someone tells me to think positively or nothing positive will ever happen. If that’s the case, I’m totally screwed! I’ve really been made to feel like that’s the only way and I just get more and more upset every time I hear that. Makes me feel like a failure. Like you said, it’s telling yourself that there’s something wrong with you. That’s the opposite of helpful!
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Absolutely counterproductive. If I knew how not to feel like shit I’d be doing it…
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Exactly.
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Yay for the beach! I love the pictures. Take a notebook along with you next time. 😉
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I really do need some inspiration… I just can’t find any… I wish the water helped… maybe I just have to keep going back…
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I went through this last week. I needed FOUR tires at the beginning of winter, but only got two…because that’s what I could afford at the time. Then last week, Sunday, my front tire (one of the old/bald ones) got a flat on my way home from work. The good news is, it happened a few houses down from my driveway. We get the spare on and I drove to Discount Tire first thing Monday morning. BUT, when we had put the spare on, it wasn’t seated properly and ruined my lug bolts. There was a debate at the tire place whether it was safe to drive my car three miles up the road to the local auto shop, or whether it needed to be towed. (Yeah…it was NOT a fun day at the tire place.) Anyway, I bought the two tires I needed and spent an EXTRA $94 for new bolts and lug nuts. Plus I missed time at work, so I lost money there as well. So yeah…my procrastination ended up costing me MORE money and I suppose I could have gotten into an accident if the situation had been different. NOT a good day all around.
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Oh, that’s terrible! I really hate dealing with car stuff. It always ends up costing more than I thought it would and it’s inconvenient and stressful! I need 4 tires… and I’m probably going to have to do some serious damage to a credit card to pay for them… it sucks!
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I feel your pain! Every time I put money into a car, it’s like taking hundred dollar bills…and lighting them on fire, because I’m NEVER going to get that money back when I go to sell the car. (Sigh!) I’m told not everyone feels this way. LOL
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I’m with you. It feels like I’m throwing money away… I hate it!
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I just saw in today’s paper that you can buy tires at Amazon and have them shipped to a Sears store and they will install. We got ours from Costco, way cheaper than the dealer and even discount tire place and they’ve been great for years now. I love the beach pictures and will never tire of looking at them. Probably because I live nowhere near one 🙂
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I will tell my husband to look into it. I’m having him deal with it…!
I probably take the beach for granted sometimes because I’ve lived close to it my entire life… RI, MA… even during college in Maine I wasn’t too far. But I think everything bores me lately… it’s not the beach’s fault!
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Beautiful photos of the beach ♡
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Thank you!
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Beautiful pictures! Good luck with the tire situation.
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Thank you 🙂
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