Now that A to Z is over, I feel like I have nothing left. Nothing inside me. Nothing to say. Nothing to write. I feel goalless… aimless… pointless. And I hate it… not only because I don’t know what to do with myself when I sit here staring at my laptop, but also because I think it’s making me think too much about everything that’s going wrong in my life.
And I do mean ‘going wrong‘ in the present tense because over the past two days, things have gotten worse. I know… I didn’t think it was possible either.
I’m going to need to sell my soul because I need the money to fix my car. And for fifty million other things that have been piling up. But wait… no one wants my soul. It’s black and shriveled up like a raisin. Soon it will be completely dried up and will turn to dust. Poof.
Besides, I’ve begun to think that I am already in hell. I am actually a dead person and this is my hell. If I start hearing country music randomly or people don’t know what I’m talking about when I mention cheesecake or Chris Hemsworth, I’ll know I’m right. I have been feeling pretty warm. Must be the burning flames of The Underworld.
Until I’m actually fried to an appropriate level of crispiness, though, I need something in my life (or afterlife) that isn’t torture. Because all I have right now are torturous things. I guess that defines hell, though, right?
Fuck. I am screwed!
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©2018 what sandra thinks
what sandra thinks 
I’m feeling that too. There’ve been little cracks of light, but still. But I go on. Deluded that something good is waiting for me. Tired as I am. I go on.
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It’s exhausting. I try to believe the same thing… that something good is coming…
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I refuse to “like” this post but I hate that you are feeling so awful.😭 And I won’t throw you my rose colored glasses because mine are a bit cloudy. Maybe instead of a long weekend in Vermont I should visit your neck of the woods…I’ll DM you more now A to Z is over. A distraction could be jumping right back to your edits of Ethan. Rewrite the parts you want under less pressure and design a beautiful cover with the artsy talent you have…
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I guess I could try doing some edits. I don’t know if I can do it, though. I keep getting stuck in those thoughts like… ‘What’s the point?’ Same with making a cover… what’s the point? To give myself something to do, I guess. But I mean ultimately… what’s the point? I could ask that about most of my life… what’s the point?
And I’m feeling worse and worse because things keep going wrong… and I’m in a lot of pain. If this last injection ‘worked’, I should be starting to feel less pain by now… not more. I think it’s yet another failure… and I don’t know what happens now… other than being in so much pain that I can barely do anything without crying. I’m at about an 8 or a 9… 😦
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Certain things don’t necessarily need a point or an end goal. Sometimes its just the act/process of it. About the pain, did you contact the doctor?
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I guess there doesn’t have to be a goal… I know.
No point calling the doctor. There’s nothing they can do right now… And they will tell me to give it more time… and then they’ll tell me that we can discuss at my follow-up appointment in 2.5 weeks…
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😞
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I won’t “like” this either… Write to me if you feel like it, Sandra! I’m still up for a little bit. You are not empty, you just feel that way. I’ll be glad to talk whenever suits you… You never bother me, Gorgeous. xx *big hugs*
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Thank you for ‘talking’ to me last night. Today the sun is out (literally) unlike last night when it was really dark (literally). I still feel terrible. I can’t get some of those things out of my head… those things that take over everything else and kill any speck of joy that might show up. I wish I could just feel good… even if it’s just for a little while. I can ask for more later. I just need something good. Thanks again. ♥
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You are welcome, Sandra 🙂
I don’t have any magic trick to change lives, but I always enjoy talking, when people need to vent… Hoping it helps a little!
I hope you’re having a lovely Wednesday! xx
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I wish there was magic. But I appreciate you, magic or not! 🙂 It does help me to have someone to talk to… and maybe talk me off the ledge. It’s embarrassing, but sometimes I really need that. ♥
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No need to be embarrassed 🙂 You feel what you feel… Not talking about it will only make it sit and rot inside of you! I am glad that you feel comfortable enough around me to be so open and honest with me. Write to me whenever you feel like it. I’ll always read your words thoughtfully and respectfully.
Muaaah xx
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Thank you ♥♥♥
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I’ll third that Sandra. I couldn’t hit the “like” button and I know you’re probably tired of my Pollyanna attitude but I’m here for you too. Regardless of what you think, you’re not empty and I’m always here, just like in the old days, remember? Sending big hugs. xx
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Thank you. ♥ I do remember. I think part of me knows that there are no solutions so it feels pointless to try anymore. I keep doing it… trying… but it never helps.
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So long as you keep doing it, keep trying and just keep talking to us … you know, we’re all here for you. x
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Thanks ♥
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Welcome to the club♥
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I’d like to quit this club…
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Positively, meditation and exercise helps me.
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What’s up with your car? 😕
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The exhaust… and I’m going to need new tires. It’s going to be at least $1500. Maybe that’s not a lot to some people but we are in some dire circumstances right now. And then also my son needs braces… and our stove is dying… and more stuff.
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Cars suck. Period. We’ve got one that’s gonna need braces too. Not looking forward to that. And $1500 is most certainly a lot of money, for most everybody. Is your mom able to help at all? His parents?
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I don’t know if anyone can help. I’m afraid to ask. I don’t know that my mom would be able to spare it. My husband’s dad already helps us kind of a lot so I hate asking for anything more…
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I hate asking for help too. Despise it with all my being. But, when shit hits fan, swallowing pride is necessary sometimes. I’ve seen people here do GoFundMe pages. Have you thought about that?
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That just seems pathetic. Who on earth is going to help some loser like me who doesn’t even have a job. Makes it look like I’m not even trying. Also… what the hell kind of picture am I going to put up there to try to get people to donate? Not one of my car or my son’s teeth! And then what? Post about it here… basically begging? I know I’m desperate but I don’t think I can handle feeling like that much of a failure/loser/take your pick…
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I hear ya’. Just a thought. I’d donate to it though. And I bet a bunch of others here would too. But I get what you’re saying.
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I kinda feel like it’s like sitting on the corner with a can asking for spare change. I don’t even know yet how much it’s going to be for the braces… or when, exactly, that’s going to happen. If I leave that out, I might be able to take care of the car and a few other things with something like $2500. But the braces… that’ll be a lot…
You know… I can’t remember why but I already set up a go fund me account. Oh and I think I’m required to show my real full name…
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Yeah, I’m not looking forward to the braces bill either. Thank god it looks like I’ll only have to do so for 1 of the 3. I’d bet they can set up a payment plan on those. As for the other, I’d talk to your mom. See if maybe she’d be willing to help y’all out. Maybe? I know it sucks ass to ask. I know it. But…..
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Yeah… only my son will need braces… not my daughter. Thank god. I do imagine there will be a payment plan but still… it’s going to be bad. I don’t know if I can bring myself to ask my mom for anything. She is fine financially but doesn’t have lots of “extra”. I just don’t know.
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I’m certain she’d be willing to help, even if just a little. Would your mechanic be amenable to payments?
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No… I don’t have a regular guy or anything. We have no friends… we don’t know anyone…
I don’t even know how to ask for help with money. It makes me so uncomfortable that I don’t even know the words to speak.
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You’re killin’ me, Smalls. 😕
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I’m sorry……
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You don’t have anything to apologize for. Just wish I knew how to help. 😕
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It’s okay.
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Ack, I automatically hit ‘like’ but you know I don’t really like this. Anyway, I think Marquessa has a good idea: take some time to do some editing on ‘Diary’ or another older project. Sometimes rereading things will stimulate some new ideas, too. And yeah, what’s going on with the car?
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I do like to reread and edit older things. I was just saying, though, to Marquessa, that I keep thinking ‘what’s the point?’ I don’t have an end goal… or ambition… or anything. I guess it might just give me something to do… but I have no motivation to do anything. It’s really bad. 😦
Car… it’s the exhaust… and I’m going to need new tires. I’m sure it’s not a big deal to some people but any financial hit is huge for us right now and this will be at least $1500…
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It’s always hard when something you spend a lot of time preparing for comes to an end.
You should start a new story! Maybe not daily, but weekly or 2 posts a week!
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I have a few ideas but they’re just sitting there. I guess I’m not inspired…
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Your readers want more!!!
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I wish I could do it… I don’t know, maybe after I take a little break…
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Sometimes we do need a little break.
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