My meltdown is not complete. What I mean is… I don’t know when it started and I’m not so sure it’ll ever be over. But what I know is that some incredible people have given me friendship, love and understanding… and I wish I was better at finding the right ways to say thank you.
I guess overwhelmed is the word for me. Everything feels insurmountable. Even finding something small to work on feels like an enormous task. I need help to find help. That makes it hard to, you guessed it, find help. I feel trapped.
I struggle to find the light. Maybe it’s too dark. Is that a thing? Too dark? I never thought so. But… did you know that I’m afraid of the dark… in a literal sense? My own life is mocking me.
And then Snow Patrol (finally) released a new song. Just for me. [I know… it’s not just for me… but I’m trying a new thing: self-important bitch.] [I’m just kidding.] [I think.]
I want things to get better. Desperately. But god knows I’ve had moments of giving in… giving up… quitting. Or wanting to, anyway. Obviously I never truly have… because I’m still here.
Don’t give in / Don’t you dare quit so easy / Give all that you got on the soul
I’ve also been trying to stop punishing myself for being this way. Because it’s not my fault. That’s what they tell me. But I struggle to believe that.
It’s in your blood / It’s in your making
So don’t hold your tongue / ‘Cause it’s no longer working
It’s especially difficult because the circumstances that plague me are of my own making. I have a lot of trouble not dwelling on the past… times when things were better for little moments… until I fucked them up. The mistakes… the regrets. They haunt me.
Don’t fall in love with the way things were / It’ll fuck up your mind
Maybe this song is trying to tell me something…
Don’t Give In | Snow Patrol
Don’t give in
Don’t you dare quit so easy
Give all that you got on the soul
Don’t say that you want it forever
I know, I know
It’s in your blood
And it’s in your making
So don’t hold your tongue
‘Cause it’s, it’s no longer working
Don’t fall on your sword
Just follow your instinct
Like an old lesson learned
Like an old lesson learned
Only you know what it, what it is to see through
See through the eyes that are trained on me now
I can, I can only tell you how it, how it looks from here
I think you made up your mind
I think you made up your mind
[…]
Yes there’s a lot we can
We can learn from this loss
Learn not to let it fall around our ears
Don’t fall in love with the, with the way things were
It’ll fuck up your mind, it’ll fuck up your mind
For this is all on the wings of others
I loved you more
More in your own flight
So it ain’t the same
It won’t be lost forever
It won’t be lost forever
[…]
[Written by Snow Patrol]
Obviously I am not the owner of any rights to this song, video, or lyrics… just everything else… ©2018 what sandra thinks
what sandra thinks 
I full-on think it’s a message…from somebody. I know my rainbows and butterflies shit gets old, and often falls on deaf ears. So, I’m glad that you’re hearing it from someone/where else besides me. I think it’s gives just a smudge of validity to my ramblings, ya’ know? Don’t you think? Sorta? 🤔
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I don’t know. I still can’t shake the fact that there are things that suck horribly in my life and no matter what I do, it’s a fail. I don’t know how to shake the thought that (1) everything is my fault, (2) some things are unfixable, and (3) I am cursed.
I don’t know how to explain how hard it is to have hope when everything always goes wrong for me… when there is always something bad, even when something appears to be good. Everything has a dark cloud over it… you know?
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I do. There have been times that I’ve felt that exact way. I feel so bad, That you feel like that for long periods. I’m not sure how to help you change that mindset, other than to never give up. Just keep plugging away and try as best you can. In spite of doubt or fear or inconvenience or panic. What’s the alternative? 😕
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There is no alternative… because I have kids. If I didn’t, I have no idea what would/could happen. Really dark, I know, but it’s the truth.
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That makes me sad. 😔
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I know… I’m sorry. I’m just a bad liar.
Sometimes I don’t think people believe I’m trying. I try so hard. I think that’s part of why it hurts so much when I fail.
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We all fail, my dear. Nearly daily. Don’t let that stop you. 😊
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It’s kind of a constant ongoing thing for me — failing. I never don’t fail. I’m sick of it. If I fail every time, what’s the point in continuing to try? The off chance (very off) that one time I won’t fail? I don’t know. The pain of constant failure is too much…
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😔😔
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It’s alright. Don’t worry about me. We both know I’m never going to leave my kids. I might not be happy, but I’ll still… be.
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I know that. But I wish the happy part was more abundant. 😕
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Well, I wish that, too. Not sure how to make that happen.
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I loved your post for its raw energy – it takes some doing to write something like that! As for failure – what is that? Usually an outcome we didn’t expect…….The only real failure in life is not to try and, from what you’ve said, you do try ergo you’re not a failure x
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Thanks…
It’s hard when nothing ever goes my way. Everything feels like a failure. So it becomes harder and harder to try…
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Could you give me an example of the sort of thing you’re talking about? Understand if you don’t want to x
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Everything, it seems. None of the treatments they’ve tried for my back pain have worked. I haven’t been able to find a job… Can’t even get close. No matter what I do, what I take, I can’t stop feeling sad all the time. And even stupid little things.
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I’m so sorry you feel that way – it’s horrible when we get stuck in a cycle like that isn’t it – feels like we’ll never get out. As for your back pain, I don’t know what caused it but, as a sufferer myself I do know that stress and anxiety makes it 100 times worse. I don’t know if you’ve tried meditation or self-hypnosis but that can help: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L-FhiPicP1Q. I’ve also found that taking half an hour to do some yoga stretches every morning really helps: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q00u-60XM9Y Sorry if you’ve already tried these things……For the job – what is it that you do? Has someone had a look at your CV for you? I ran a business for 12+ years and I tended to bin all the ‘standard’ CV’s and looked for the ones that stood out i.e. contained something interesting or original or funny. Feeling sad all the time is horrible and you truly have my sincere sympathy but there are things that we can do to help ourselves – this really made me think: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hzvT0vy5cjE I’m sorry if I’m giving advice when that’s not what you want but I really would like to help ;O) x
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I’ve been going through this for quite some time so I have tried pretty much everything. I have never succeeded at clearing my head enough for meditation to do anything for me. I do stretches every day. I’ve also been seeing a specialist who has tried a number of different things for my back pain. Nothing has helped me.
For the job… I don’t have a clear job title. I have done so many things that there is no one way to explain it. I have been to agencies, recruiters, job boards… nothing has worked. And I’m in a situation now with my family where part time is what I really need. That’s even harder to find.
I have been dealing with the sadness for well over 20 years. I’ve had some ups and downs. Some things have helped a bit but never enough.
I do appreciate that you’d like to help. That is very kind of you. In all honesty, most of the time, suggestions tend to make me feel even more hopeless because I’ve already tried them all (all that I can afford to try…) and none of them have worked.
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Sorry – hope things get better for you x
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Oh, there is no need to apologize! I didn’t mean to make you feel that you needed to be sorry for trying to help. I do appreciate it. It just seems that no matter what I try, things never get better… so I feel like a failure… and I lose hope.
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It’s ok don’t worry :O) There is just one thing and I’m really not sure if I should say this or not because I really don’t want to offend or upset you but have you ever considered that the more you tell yourself that things will never get better and that you are a failure the worse things will get? Please don’t lose hope x
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People have said that to me before. I know where your coming from. I honestly don’t think it matters what I tell myself. I haven’t always been hopeless… I got this way because things never work out. But yes, I have considered that. I wish I could think another way but my brain just doesn’t seem to let me…
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“I honestly don’t think it matters what I tell myself”, “things never work out”, “my brain just doesn’t seem to let me”….when we write something down, the idea is reinforced in our minds. These sentences can be translated as “I tried it, it didn’t work so that proves I was right all along”, “If I view everything that happens to me as a disaster, it proves that I was right about everything I said” and “None of this can be my fault if I blame my brain”. I once heard these hard truths and it changed the way that I viewed life and that’s the only reason I’m passing them on to you. I really hope that you can find some peace and happiness x
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People always tell me what I’m doing wrong but no one ever tells me how to change or fix it.
Also, I have depression which is a real illness and that is not my fault. I didn’t make myself have that any more than one can make herself have cancer. No one would ever tell a cancer patient that it is their fault.
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I think lots of people have probably told you how you could fix it if you’re honest with yourself…but I’m going to leave it there as I really don’t want to upset you and I apologise unreservedly if I did. x
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I am plenty honest with myself. People have given me suggestions which I have tried. For years. Yet here I am.
I know your intentions are good but you don’t know me or my history.
I’m already very upset.
It took my NP quite a while to convince me that having depression is not my fault… but I guess according to some people, it is my fault.
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You’re right and I apologise
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But, with respect, you don’t know my story either; I suffered from depression for 15 years and, although I have bad days like everyone, I don’t have it now
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But I’m not presuming to know your story. You seem to think you know mine. Just because you’ve had depression doesn’t mean you know me or my situation.
This is making me feel awful. I’m in tears and extremely upset. Please stop. This is only making me feel worse.
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Ok I’m sorry that you are upset. I’ll go
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I know how you feel.. I feel like that most times especially now that things are not working out as I thought it would.. I am trying to keep a smiling face and pretend to be happy but I am dying inside and all people can tell me is to cheer up and look we the bright side.. Sadly there’s no bright side on my side
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It’s really hard to have to pretend to be happy. I understand because I do it, too. And I hate when people tell me to cheer up and look on the bright side, too…. sometimes, there isn’t one!
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May the meltdown remain incomplete forever, and recede slowly to a distant memory. Music is good, especially when it’s written especially for you!
Hugs.
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Will have to get the word out to various artists that they should all be writing songs for me… 🙂
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I think that’s a winner. When they see you, and read your words, they will have no option!
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Weird, I dont seem to get downers like this lately, thankfully, I hope things turn around for you sooner rather than later. Maybe an improvement in weather would help? x
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I’d love to not feel like this. Unfortunately, it’s the norm for me lately. The weather does affect the mood. But I don’t think better weather will change the circumstances in my life that make things so difficult…
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Harumph, well if the time comes when you need to change things around, I hope you do feel much better. I have to say I cant think of a time when I changed things for the better – things just seem to go round in circles, sometimes for the better other times not so much . .
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I feel like most of it is out of my control. I hate that!
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It’s amazing how music can speak to your soul in all the right moments. I wrote a post about that not too long about with respect to The Greatest Showman and the music in it.
Hang in there.
Jayden
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Thanks… I love this band and it’s been a long time since they’ve had new music… and this is the song they put out there… I thought it was pretty amazing.
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Sandra,
My heart aches for you. I pray that you can see past those dark rain clouds in your life to the light. Trust me, everything isn’t your fault and while some things aren’t fixable there are a whole lot of things that are. Here’s to better days ahead!
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Thanks so much. ♥
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