It’s not that I’ve been acting all ‘sunshine and rainbows‘. Is that the expression? Maybe I’m just making shit up. I’m not familiar with that state of mind. I prefer my own name for it anyway… sunshine stick up your ass. Anyway… I think you know what I mean. I haven’t been acting that way. I’m not even sure I’m capable of that. But I have been pretending.
Even my last post… It wasn’t what I’d call cheerful but it doesn’t accurately represent how I feel either. There’s some sugar-coating going on… and it’s not even enough to be noticeable. It’s mild sugar-coating.
Damn… if it’s going to be sugar-coated, I should take it all the way.
Or not at all.
The truth is… I have been feeling desperate, hopeless, and alone. I can pretend that’s not true. And I’m glad I have that ability. But sometimes it’s extremely lonely.
[I faked you out with my post title, didn’t I? Sorry. I have a sick sense of humor…]
My reality is worse than I let on. There are things I don’t talk about. And they’re bad on their own… but even worse piled onto everything else.
Oh, I’m still not going to talk about them.
Hell, I don’t even know why I’m writing this post.
Maybe it’s a confession… because I feel dishonest and I don’t like that feeling.
Maybe I’m just venting… because I’m so fucking angry that this is my life.
But I know what it’s not. It’s not an invitation for someone to tell me to ‘just fix it‘. That’s maddening. It’s like ‘snap out of it‘. It makes me feel a million times worse. Those things are standard ‘things to never say to a depressed person‘. Honestly, what should my response be? Oh… thank you! I never thought of that. Let me just snap my fingers and make it all better. Damn, I must be a fucking moron for not fixing everything sooner since it’s so simple!
I don’t want to sound ungrateful because that’s so untrue. I know people mean well. And I know it’s hard not to try to fix it. But no one can. Even the little steps people suggest… I know it’s impossible for them to understand—unless they also have depression—but those aren’t ‘just do it‘ things either. They, too, make me feel worse. Tiny anthills feel like Mt. Fucking Everest. And to me, it’s like being told I’m an idiot… or I’m lazy… or I’m not good enough. I already know I’m not good enough. I don’t need to be reminded.
No one can fix someone’s depression any more than they can fix someone’s cancer.
Seriously… when is the last time anyone told a cancer patient to ‘just stop having cancer‘?
This is not different. I’m not saying depression and cancer are equivalent illnesses. But, hell, some cancers can be cured. Depression cannot. And they can certainly both lead to death.
[I guess I figured out why I wrote this post. It turned into sort of a how-to-be-a-depressed-person’s-friend post. I had no idea that was going to happen.]
[Another note: When I told my mental health NP that I have a blog, she told me that writing on this topic might help a lot of people. I don’t know about that, but her saying that makes me feel a little less humiliated when I do write about it. And make no mistake… I am humiliated. Is a cancer patient humiliated that he/she has cancer? No. So why am I?]
[One more note: this blog will never only be about this. I’m here for fiction, random thoughts, humor, poetry, and fun. And life. But life isn’t always fun. I hope I never scare anyone away. Oh hell, A-to-Z starts Sunday… those posts will be so far from this topic… which will be good for me… and for you. I might even post something lighter later today… my moods follow no rules.]
©2018 what sandra thinks
*tip toes past front door to Sandra’s house*
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Uh-oh…
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**hug** 😔
Oh, and I agree with your NP. You’re not alone in this. I kinda wish you’d write more often, actually. Not just about depression. But not never about it either. 😊
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Thanks. You are such a great friend to me. ♥
What should I write more often?
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Anything. Whatever topic. Depression included. I get the feeling it makes you feel some better when you do, no?
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Sometimes. But I always feel pathetic, too. Humiliated. Embarrassed. Ashamed of myself and my life.
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Don’t be. Hey man, I promise, there’s no shame in admitting, and trying to work through, problems and depression and loss and loneliness. I promise. Not here, at least. You know you’re safe here. Use us. We don’t mind. 😊
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It’s just that I’ve been a failure forever with this. It’s like I said… there’s no cure. I’m always going to have this. It’s hard knowing that. And it makes it hard to bother trying to make it better sometimes… since it’ll never be gone.
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Maybe you will. You have to manage it though. Just like someone with diabetes or high blood pressure or COPD. It is not your fault. It isn’t anybody’s fault. But just like those who have those other diseases, you can live a life in spite of it.
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So far, it seems, not a very good one. I had a total meltdown last night. It was bad. And it breaks my heart when my 10 year old daughter is coming to me to give me a hug to make me feel better. Who is the parent and who is the kid here… you know? I worry if I’ve already scarred my kids for life.
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I doubt you’ve done that, no.
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I really hope not… but kids remember things… and I hate that these are their memories…. mom being fucked up. 😦
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I hear ya’. I guess just do everything in your power to shield them from it. We all do that in some shape or form.
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Agree totally with Beach. We love you for who you are, what you are, and how you are, not for what others would have you turn into. Lots of us understand a little (some a lot) of what you go through every day. Some have experienced it themselves, some with loved ones.
Keep writing Sandra. It’s good for you, and it’s good for us.
Hugs
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Thanks. Sometimes I need a break from myself… I think that’s why I sometimes get frustrated when all I have in my head is this crap…
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Throwing some of it our way is good. I’m a certified crap merchant!
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Haha… cute.
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I think the number of followers you have speaks to how relatable you are. I also think most people appreciate honesty in whatever form. I’m just so sad that nothing is working for you with your depression and pain. Hugs, my friend!
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Thanks so much. You’e sweet. ♥ I do feel that what I’m taking (meds) is helping… a lot. But I think everything constantly going wrong is causing problems… along with the constant pain.
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I think it’s super great that you are writing about how you really feel. And I agree with your NP that it could help others as well. Just knowing that someone is going through something kind of the same or even the exact same can help in so many different ways.
I’m really sorry you are feeling like this, though! xoxo
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Thank you. ♥ I’m just really tired of everything going wrong… sometimes I’m not sure I can take it anymore… but I guess I have no choice…
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I know you can! You are a strong amazing woman! Im sorry that every thing is going wrong all at once 😦
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Seems to be how my whole life has been. If I wasn’t living it, maybe it would make a great sitcom…
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Awwww 😦
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People have said to me ‘Cheer Up, it might never happen’ it makes me want to punch them…..not really, I’m a wimp, but I agree with everything you said and you must continue to talk about depression, for the ones who are suffering but unable to articulate their thoughts. x
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I understand completely. There are things people say that make me want to punch them! I know not everyone understands but it can be so frustrating!
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Thanks for being so honest. In this social media whirlwind of peoples ‘perfect’ lives it’s refreshing to see someone willing to put their hand up and say ‘life can be shit sometimes’
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I know exactly what you mean. I hate seeing everyone’s perfect little life. It makes me sick… and makes me feel like hell!
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I’ll add an ‘agree’ to what the others have said. We love you for who you are, flaws and all (and we’ve all got them). Your writing about depression is helpful to anyone feeling the same way in knowing that they aren’t the only one. So few people grasp what it feels like to have depression and anxiety, that reading your honest words will bring a measure of comfort. Not to mention it educates those readers who may have someone in their lives with depression with whom they don’t know what to say or how to act. We love you, girlfriend! ❤️
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Sorry I didn’t see this comment sooner… it was in the spam folder… wtf? But anyway… thank you. I think I just really get sick of talking about it sometimes because I feel all those shame-type-things yet I feel the need to get it out anyway. I just have mixed feelings, I guess.
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Oh geez… hope I’m not going to everyone’s spam again!
Anyway, don’t be ashamed. Bottled up feelings of frustration only compound themselves. So talk about them when you need to – no one is judging you here!
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Your newer comments seem to be fine!
And thanks… 🙂
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