junk drawer.

Posted on 25 February 2018 by what sandra thinks

I have a lot of anxiety over whether to post this or not post it. I never wanted this fucking topic to be so prevalent on this blog. But life gets in my face and my head gets so fogged up that there’s nothing else in there… and writing anything else continues to fail. I hope that reading this maybe somehow has value to someone… maybe helps someone feel something good… thus making me feel less pathetic for posting it. Or maybe there’s no value at all except for me getting it out (although, unfortunately, it never leaves me permanently…) and maybe having a little company in the comments… because lately, alone sucks monkey balls. 

junk drawer.

It has come to my attention that I don’t know what I want from life. Beyond the fantasies, I mean. Or maybe that’s precisely the problem… I see my wants as fantasies so I’ve deemed them unachievable.

I want to be truly in love… and truly loved. Wanted… maybe even needed. Is that unhealthy? I don’t know but to be that important to someone… I want that. ‘But you’re married,’ you might be thinking. And to that, I say… ‘yes I am.’

I want to give my kids an amazing life. I love them and I take care of them… and they don’t have a terrible life. They have everything they need and then some. But I know it could be better. So much better. I just can’t make that happen because…

I want to have enough money to have a better life. ‘Money can’t buy happiness’ is a lie. I can think of at least five things right now at this very moment that would bring happiness, but they’re impossible without enough money. I hate that so much of life and happiness is about money. You can tell me that it’s not but I won’t believe you no matter what you say. (I know… stubborn bitch…)

I want to kill the anxiety and overwhelming sadness that take over my mind too often. I cannot know for sure if they would lessen if I had any of the above, but I strongly believe that they would. I know there is no ‘cure’ for anxiety and depression. Treatment? Yes. Cure? No. But as the majority of my negative, self-destructive feelings are due to financial and loneliness issues, having the love and the means to make life better would make a huge difference.

I want that happiness. The happiness that comes from being able to do more for my children… from being in love… from escaping the worries that constantly plague me. I really want that.

Yet I feel that these things are unattainable. They are fantasy. They are pipe dreams. Someone (or more than one someone) is going to tell me that they’re not… but to me they are… and that’s enough to push them out of my reach. I know—so change my way of thinking. Oh, I wish it was that easy. I wish I could do that. I wish it all the time as I try all the time… yet here I am.

It feels like my life is the world’s largest junk drawer. Look inside and there’s so much chaos… so much shit to sort through… so much useless junk… that it’s hard to find anything good or useful. And to clean out that junk drawer… well, it’s such a chaotic mess that it’s overwhelming, and I just close the drawer. I know I need to start small but every step feels huge. It doesn’t seem as though there are any small steps.

And what’s my goal? Empty the drawer? If an empty drawer is what I’m after, then why not just dump the whole drawer into the trash? What would that symbolize in this metaphor? Emptiness? Or no need to have a junk drawer at all?

This metaphor is going downhill fast.

 


©2018 what sandra thinks

About what sandra thinks

Sandra is a writer, sometimes blogger, poet, artist, emotional disaster. She thinks far too much and sleeps far too little. Sandra lives in the Northeastern U.S. but dreams of an oceanfront home in Italy, but she would settle for a non-oceanfront home in Italy. She loves books, brutal honesty, coffee, and the color black. She hates insincerity, beer, whipped cream, and facebook. And she is uncomfortable talking about herself in the third person.
This entry was posted in anxiety, depression, life, writing and tagged , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

40 Responses to junk drawer.

  1. supernaturalsnark says:
    25 February 2018 at 7:18 pm

    Aw. I can relate to some of what you write, although in my case, love isn’t high on my list. I want to wake up one day and be able answer the question ‘how are you?’ with a genuine yes. That’s literally it. And the rest will go happen from there.

    Oh, money. From looking at the rich people in the world, if that’s happiness, I don’t want it. Money doesn’t buy happiness because happiness isn’t a linear measure of how good we feel. Money can facilitate ‘happiness’, but on the flip side, it can also cause a lot of problems. Like most things in life. I’d rather have enough money to get by than too much, lol.

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    • what sandra thinks says:
      25 February 2018 at 7:25 pm

      I’d rather have too much. That may just be because of my specific circumstances at the moment, but yeah.

      Things just haven’t been going well for a long time. I try to ignore it and sometimes I can for a while but because nothing ever gets resolved, it’s always back… usually even stronger than it was in the first place.

      I know there are things I need to do to try to improve things, but I’m in a bit of an impossible situation. And it’s beating me up to the point where I can’t seem to DO anything.

      Sorry for rambling on…

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      • supernaturalsnark says:
        25 February 2018 at 8:01 pm

        Lol, I’m broke and up to my eyes in student loans but you can’t lose what you don’t have. Money generally changes people for the worst. I don’t want that.

        I understand that. I tend to think that’s just life sometimes. For some people, they go by and everything is okay. For some of us there are peaks and troughs that we have to ride through. There is no magic happiness, just moments where we’re okay. At least that’s how I see it.

        I totally get that. One thing that I do is too much. I set myself a million goals and give myself an impossible time frame. And then I end up doing nothing and sinking even lower. Sometimes, I think you need to start small. Pick the easiest and simplest improvement that you need to make and go from there.

        You’re free to ramble anytime. 💜💜💜

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        • what sandra thinks says:
          25 February 2018 at 8:13 pm

          Thanks… you’re the best. ♥

          I’ve come to sort of hate people for whom everything just seems to fall into place no matter what they do or don’t do.

          I’d settle for ‘okay’ right now. That would be a huge improvement over my current emotions.

          I overwhelm myself all the time with all the things that need to be ‘fixed’… and I overwhelm myself so much that like you, I end up doing nothing and feel even worse.

          All I know right now is that I feel like crap… I’ve cried a LOT today and I usually am able to keep that under control when the kids are home. Today I failed. And then my daughter, especially, asks me why I’m sad and it breaks my heart that she sees me sad and I have to figure out how to explain it to her without making her sad. She shouldn’t have to deal with any of this… she’s only 10…

          ♥

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          • supernaturalsnark says:
            25 February 2018 at 8:36 pm

            ❤

            One thing I’ve learned is that those people are often playing a role. They act like everything is okay, but it’s not. I guess we all do it to an extent but some are better at it. The easiest and hardest thing to do is to compare yourself to others. Easy because it seems obvious, hard because it’s well… hard (the bad kind 😂).

            I sincerely hope that you get your okay and more.

            It’s a vicious cycle. I’m slowly learning to go at my own pace. I have people pushing me but I have to ignore it and take my time.

            I’m so sorry that you feel like crap, but silver lining – I think explaining it to her and her seeing it isn’t all bad. Yes, she’s going to be sad, but maybe it’ll help her with expressing her own emotions? There’s no shame in crying. It’s better than bottling things up. My parents were the kind that never let us see them upset or emotional and I would always end up crying outside of the house because I couldn’t do it at home because I wasn’t allowed to be upset. Fast forward to adulthood and it’s still the same. I’d rather have seen them emotional and know that it’s okay and feel like there’s something wrong with being upset. I don’t know if that helps at all, but that’s how I would try to look at it.

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            • what sandra thinks says:
              25 February 2018 at 8:48 pm

              It makes lots of sense. I know I’m having trouble seeing things rationally at this point. I just kept thinking this bad spell would end… yet on it goes. I feel like I’ve reached my limit and can’t continue this way. But I don’t have a choice… you know? I can’t just check out. As crappy as I think I am, people do need me.

              I’ve had times when I’ve been pretty good at playing the “I’m okay” role. In front of extended family, mostly. It’s only because I don’t want them to worry about me. They have their own lives. I feel guilty. But sometimes, it doesn’t matter how hard I try to hide… it comes out anyway…

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  2. Mark Lanesbury says:
    25 February 2018 at 7:28 pm

    In all the healings I have ever done, one common theme comes out of it. They can have great riches, career’s going gangbusters, loving wife and kids…but somehow it loses its shine. Yes, when they got more money or a new car, it was great…for a while. Because underneath it is that one thing that drives it all…what they feel about themselves. The good stuff distracts for a while, but slowly it comes home to roost, hence your drawer never seeming to get emptied, let alone lowering its content. And if your suffering from any condition, depression or fear of something, it will hold you in those patterns, and they are not easy to face, let alone digest what they mean for you.
    But there is one thing that you can do. Each day you get up, you eat, you look after family, you write your blog, you go shopping…never giving it much thought. But in truth all of your family is very appreciative of all those things…AND, love you because of that…just for being you. It may not seem much to you but it means a lot to those who love and look up to you. You are their universe even though your not residing on the beach in Hawaii, or driving a Maseradi. those cuddles are worth their weight in gold…and your doing all that NOW.
    Imagine living in Hawaii, driving that car with lots of money…and not having that beautiful family to share it with. It suddenly all becomes irrelevant. Believe in you exactly as you are. Yes, you can aim for those things, so take a step towards them…but remember that belief of who you are and what you mean to those that really matter. It is the only truth there is…in the end all else is but a dream. Finding that truth is the happiness we are all looking for ❤

    Liked by 2 people

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    • what sandra thinks says:
      25 February 2018 at 7:36 pm

      What you’re saying makes a lot of sense… and I get it. But I have to say that, without going into specific detail, when money goes out faster than it comes in, eventually, there’s going to be a huge problem. The stress of that is killing me because there’s no solution that’s good for everyone. Someone will have to suffer and I can’t bear that.

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      • Mark Lanesbury says:
        25 February 2018 at 7:49 pm

        I understand that Sandra, it isn’t an easy thing to live on a day to day basis without it leaving its mark. And you are right about someone suffering because of it.
        It may be like my finances many years ago, we had a family meeting and explained all to the children and said we are going to have to share our tough times as well as the good times, so we are all going to need to ‘let go’ of some things for a while.
        And just because I had shared what the problem was it made the children feel inclusive, even though it was hard to go without some things. In reality there wasn’t much to ‘let go’ because we were running on empty practically anyway…but it shifted our attitudes towards it and made it just a little bit easier for us all.
        I know I do not know your circumstances, but at the least, an open and shared hug makes it a little bit easier for everyone. Try it, you may be surprised what a big open hug can create ❤

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  3. Ogden Fahey says:
    25 February 2018 at 7:45 pm

    I happen to be a multi millionaire and man of mystery and intrigue, a spy and master in the house of love, and an all round good egg, and I’m here to tell you to get a grip! Everything is going to be ok, I just happen to have fallen in love with you, and am therefore at your service 24/7, forever!

    (BTW, I’m ugly as shit and a total fantasist – but you don’t need to worry about that right now k?)

    Here’s what I propose, Beer! Drink, be merry! Then weep, weep for all the souls! Its what I do, every Sunday night 😀 😀 XXX 😉

    Liked by 1 person

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    • what sandra thinks says:
      25 February 2018 at 8:05 pm

      Thank you for this. It made me smile. 🙂 Especially if you’re truly a multi millionaire spy who’s in love with me. 😉

      I’m just buried in a bad situation right now and nothing I’m capable of trying seems to improve anything. It’s frustrating… and disheartening.

      I don’t like beer… but maybe I need something like that. I just wish it would chase some of this junk away permanently.

      Liked by 1 person

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      • Ogden Fahey says:
        25 February 2018 at 8:17 pm

        Oh man, I wish I was a multi millionaire good looking master in the house of love!! LOL

        I get what you’re saying, we all need each other, and we are told “There can only be one!!” Ever seen the Highlander films? Bloody crap! Its people like that fuck it all up for the rest of us!

        Oh yeas, I can heartily recommend beer, its got to be good tho, unfortunately I haven’t had time to drink sufficient amounts today, I find that I must go to bed unsatisfied, on a good night tho, it can cure all ills!, for a while anyhow! XX

        I bid you goodnight, and adieu, till some time in the new future, (namely 2moro) when no doubt we shall find ourselves on WP 🙂 Xx

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  4. draughtrider says:
    25 February 2018 at 8:29 pm

    glad you said it. thought i was mad …

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  5. sonofabeach96 says:
    25 February 2018 at 8:51 pm

    I think it’s a perfect metaphor. All of us have a junk drawer. I promise, you’re not alone in that. Money is money. It comes, it goes, and we’ve all had money trouble before. What makes my heart hurt is you saying you’re lonely…with three other people around you daily. That is what I’d change for you if I could. 😕

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    • what sandra thinks says:
      25 February 2018 at 8:58 pm

      Oh, but I don’t feel like I have a junk drawer… I feel like I AM the junk drawer…

      The thing with money is that when more goes out than comes in, there’s a problem that’s only going to grow. There won’t be any ups and downs… it’ll only get worse. And I am stuck on that front for reasons I think you and I have discussed before. It’s a no-win situation.

      Right now, I think my daughter is my best friend. But I can’t really talk to her like I would an adult. She’s in my predicament with me so that’s messy… and, you know, she’s 10. I hate when she sees me cry because it makes her sad and I don’t want my kids to be sad… and I don’t want to explain the details of why I’m sad either… it’s too much for the kids to have to deal with.

      Anyway… I am just rambling now. I think I needed to post this and to ramble to someone… to you… because I feel like I’ve been living in a box with all of this for a while now. I need some kind of contact with someone/something outside of that box.

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  6. gigglingfattie says:
    25 February 2018 at 8:52 pm

    I want all those things for you too! 💛

    Liked by 1 person

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  7. ladieswholunchreviews says:
    26 February 2018 at 7:58 am

    Sad for you. You stopped therapy and treatment or no? Is your back pain worse? I know money can’t buy happiness, but it sure could help! No luck with being able to job hunt?

    Liked by 1 person

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    • what sandra thinks says:
      26 February 2018 at 8:10 am

      Therapy never helped. I stopped a long while back. Still on meds. Nothing on a job at all. Not even any hope on that. 🙁 My back is pretty bad. Nothing anyone has tried has helped. I’m just really really sad about everything. I wish something would go my way but nothing ever does. 🙁

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  8. Peter's pondering says:
    26 February 2018 at 9:35 am

    You know there’s lots of us out here would take that junk drawer off you if we could and scatter it to the winds. We can’t, but we do all send oodles of love and hugs, with profound hope that some of it gets through to you.

    Liked by 1 person

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  9. Meg says:
    27 February 2018 at 8:48 am

    Oh sweetie, I’m coming to this late so I hope that maybe today is a bit better for you. As for changing things, I know you’re overwhelmed but is there one little thing you could do? Organize around the house, maybe find some items to donate or prepare for a spring yard sale? I know that physical organization makes me ‘feel’ lighter. I can’t remember if we talked about this a while back but have you looked into possibly doing work from home? Or some freelance work? I wonder if you could do some copy writing or something like that… just a thought. I wish I had some other way to help. But at least know I’m thinking of you and sending my love! ❤️

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    • what sandra thinks says:
      27 February 2018 at 9:35 am

      Thanks… ♥
      I’ve spent countless hours trying to find some work I could do at home. It’s a lot harder than people think to find anything. It seems to me that unless you already have a “real” job that then let’s you work from home, the pay is crap. I don’t think anyone would hire me to do copy writing since I have no professional experience. I’m not even sure I could do it. Lately, I can write very little… even if someone gives me a topic. I just don’t think I’m good enough. And of course, there’s the whole issue of me not knowing what I want to do anyway. I guess that doesn’t really matter since employers only look at past work experience anyway… not skills I may have that I’ve never done professionally…

      It all sucks. But yes, I do like the feeling I have after organizing something. I need to find motivation… and, obviously, that’s not a paying job…

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  10. visionsbyjoe says:
    28 February 2018 at 1:33 pm

    I had to empty mine and put back only the junk that made me happy. I was left with a lot more room for better stuff.

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